I’ll keep what you say in mind. After all, it is a revision that I had come up w/on Sunday and haven’t quite gotten around to reading it..yeah, haven’t even proofed it but I’m a FT student n shouldn’t even be on here nowsince I have so much work to do. Thanks for your input!
Young Adult / Opportunities Neglected and Reborn-Ch. 1 (Analysis)
Chapter One
”Why is this city so boring?” Gisela Arnez asked her best friends in her room at their final sleep over for the summer.
”Los Angeles is anything but boring,” Alexandra Kent remarked, disagreeing with her. “But then again, when you don’t have a long-term boyfriend anymore, I guess it could be boring.”
”Why would you of all people consider the city to be a boring place to live when you have all that you do?” Kristin Marison questioned, demanding a response.
”Why wouldn’t I?” Gisela said puzzled.
”A lot is offered to you here,” Leslie Taylor said, putting in her opinion.
”Like what?” She asked, pretending to be dumbfounded.
”Like…you have me for a twin,” Kimina said with a smile. She wrapped her arm around her sister. “I should be your main reason for being here.”
”Someone’s full of herself,” Evie Jenkins joked. “You’ve been chosen as a captain of the sophomore cheerleading squad.” She was a member of the same cheerleading team. “You are always in a lot of clubs. There’s the mall, the beaches, the lake, the boys, and Lookout Mountain,” she added seductively.
”Oooh,” the girls chorused together, laughing.
”Most importantly,” Alex paused, “you can always hang out wit’ the Jawhi Blatinas.”
”Aight,” all the girls cheered together.
”Okay, okay,” Gisela beamed. “Next time, I’ll keep my sentiments to myself.”
”Don’t start that smart talk with us,” Kris warned as she pointed a finger at her. “We all promised not to say anything educational until school started.”
”That’s right. Plus, G$, you always have a lot of drama going on in your life, girl,” Les went on with their previous discussion. “It always takes up all of our time.”
”I couldn’t have said that better myself,” Kris said while stuffing her face with buttered popcorn. “Once again, someone’s taken the words right out of my mouth.”
”You’re so full of it,” Kim said while picking up her pillow and hitting Kris’ face.
Everyone followed in unison.
”Hey, I’m only human,” Kris defended herself as she took her pillow and hit them all back.
”Who wants more junk food?” Eve asked. The girls said they all did. “I’ll press the intercom button and you guys say what you want.” After everyone was finished, she added, “we’ll be down in a few Carla,” into the intercom.
”Yes Eve,” Carla reported back.
”Thanks for taking over my hosting job,” Gisela remarked to Eve.
”Es nada,” Eve smiled.
”It’ll be half an hour before the movie starts,” Les informed the girls, looking at the time on her cell phone. “What’re we doing ‘til then?”
”Let’s play truth or dare,” Kris suggested.
”We always leave that til the end,” Kim reminded her.
”Even though we know each other in and out,” Alex added in quickly.
”I know,” Gisela suddenly thought. “We forgot to order pizza.”
”Well, pick up the phone you cow and call Panini’s,” Alex ordered her in a funny voice.
”I’m going to get you for that cow joke,” Gisela promised her best friend after she laughed. To all of her friends, “the usual, something else, what?” She picked up the phone and dialed the number they all knew well for Panini’s Pizza.
”The usual,” everyone agreed.
They all knew it wouldn’t take too long for the pizza to arrive.
Just like their friends, Gisela and Kim lived on the elite side of Los Angeles in the West Hollywood section. Her friends always reminded her that her family’s house was one of the largest in town but Gisela ignored them. She was one of those girls who didn’t really care about how much her parents made even though she loved going shopping. She was blessed to have friends who felt the same way.
The intercom buzzed and she hopped up to answer it.
”Girls, the snacks are ready,” Carla announced. “Come down whenever you like.”
”Okay,” Gisela answered before disconnecting. The girls followed her to the kitchen on the lower level to get their snacks and wait for their pizza.
G~
”I’m having a really good time!” Kris said between bites of her extra cheese pizza. “We’ve got great food, good friends, and a scary movie to top it off.”
”That’s the reason why we shouldn’t invite you over!” Kim said playfully.
”Yeah, you make it seem like it’s Turkey Day,” Alex added with a laugh, “and not just the end of summer.”
”Ha ha, very funny,” Kris said angrily, then her face broke into a smile.
”We know,” Les said, laughing and then they all did.
”Shhh,” Gisela shushed everyone. “The commercials are over.”
”Wasn’t ‘Wax Museum’ a creepy movie?” Kim asked when the movie ended.
”I think Chad Michael Murray is hotter than Robert Ri’chard,” Alex said, taking another slice of pepperoni pizza which made it her fifth slice.
”If you don’t watch it, your stomach is going to blow up,” Gisela warned. “I advise that the first thing that you do on Sunday is jog.”
”Your addiction to health doesn’t effect me,” Alex said, sticking her tongue out. “Besides, I don’t gain weight like some girls I know.”
”Don’t talk about Les like that,” Gisela giggled, sticking her own tongue out before Leslie threw a handful of popcorn at her.
”Here’s the movie we’ve all been dyin’ to see,” Kim announced after putting the surprise disc in the dvd player. “I hope you like.”
”What is it?” Eve asked anxiously.
”Tranquila, it’s starting,” Gisela hushed her.
Kristin screamed.
”Is this for real?” Gisela asked disappointed.
”Oh ma gawd!” Alex exclaimed.
”I can’t believe it,” Steph said, smirking.
”Our absolute favorite fine specimen actor is in this movie,” Les said gleefully. “Matthew Taylor. Where did you get this movie?” She wondered.
”One day I was in a video store and there was this big sale,” Kim explained. “It was mostly old people there and the crazy thing is, this movie is out but it’s never been in the theater!”
”That is strange,” Evie thoughtfully said.
”Okay, we’ll talk about this later,” Alex said, waving her hands for silence. “The movie is on.”
”What’s so interesting about him anyway?” Gisela asked in a bored tone.
”You’re kidding us right?” Kris asked and then said, “no, you’re not.”
”He’s so hot and fine,” Alex put in. “How could you not be attracted to him?”
”That’s true but I don’t care for him,” Gisela answered her. “Most guys at school are cute.”
”Hello?” Kim said impatiently. “The movie!”
”Okay, fine,” she finally gave in. “He’s okay.”
But deep down, Gisela thought Matthew Taylor was gorgeous. He was the most amazing actor in the world to her. Of course, she couldn’t tell her friends because she was Gisela. She always played hard to get in their little group of friends and even if she was in love with the guy she never let up in the beginning.
”That movie was incredible,” Les gushed when it came off.
”Let’s see it again,” Kris added in.
”Not now,” Gisela reminded her. “Maybe tomorrow after we go shopping.”
”So what are we going to do?” Les asked. “It’s still too early to play games.”
Alex went to the kitchen to get another bottle of water, Eve went with her.
They came back in time to hear Gisela’s conversation with her sister.
”Are you sure you don’t want to do this?” Gisela asked her twin. “It’ll be a new look!”
”No,” Kim said stubbornly. “We’ve never been doing the same things before and we’re not going to start now.”
”What are you two talkin’ about?” Alex demanded to know in her Jamaican accent.
”I want to dye my hair, but Baby Girl doesn’t,” Gisela pouted as she crossed her arms over her chest.
”Maybe she thinks that if she does change her hair color,” Alex guessed, “she’ll be a completely different chick. I think we all would feel that way if we had to be exactly like you.”
Gisela hit her with a pillow. “What’s the big deal? It’s not like it’s going to stay that way for long. Besides, if you don’t like it, you can change it.”
”The fact is hermana,” Kim shouted her sister’s way, “I like my jet black hair the way it is naturally. And it’s my business if I want to keep it this way.”
”Fine. That’s all you gotta say,” Gisela was steaming mad as she eyed her twin. “It’s not your fault that you’re the type of person who never changes.”
”I know you ain’t talking you—” Kim said ready to slap her.
”Stop it,” Eve cut in between them. “You girls are best friend, sisters, forget that, you’re twins and it would be stupid to fight over stuff like this.”
”Sweetie is right,” Gisela spoke, breaking the silence that had come over the room. “It is a stupid thing to fight about.”
”Lo siento,” Kim apologized.
”I’m sorry too,” Gisela said. She went over to Kim and wrapped her arms around her. “I could get another best friend, but not another twin, my soul mate. Te amo.”
”I love you too.” They stopped embracing.
”Now don’t you two feel better?” Les asked, grinning.
”Yeah,” Gisela nodded.
”G., I’m ready to try this dye thing,” Kim said, her voice an octave low.
”No K.,” she protested. “Even if we are identical, we don’t have to look exactly alike.”
”Yeah, right,” Kim said, unwrapping her ponytail before letting her hair fall past her shoulders. “I’m going to dye my hair and that’s final.”
”Fine,” Gisela said and this time she was the stubborn one. “Then I’ll leave my hair this color.”
”I’m glad you see thin—” Kim began before hearing what her sister had said. ”What?”
Gisela smiled. “I wanted at least one of us to have a new look.”
Kim huffed. “How do I fall for your tricks? I don’t want to get a new look,” she whined.
”All right,” Kris let out impatiently. “Gissel will get the new look, and Baby Girl will stay the same.”
”Thank you,” Les said exasperated as if Kristin had solved one of the greatest problems in the world.
”Let’s get this over with” Alex pushed everyone into the bathroom the twins shared. “G$, you or Kim can answer my question. Why are there two toilets in this bathroom?”
”Oh, you have the same thing,” Gisela began. “One is a toilet and the other is a bidet. You know, to clean your special area. I requested we get one when mami and daddy redecorated our bathroom. It was Kim’s idea to have the double entry.”
”It looks really good,” Eve complimented. Her family had been on vacation in Europe the previous month so this was her first time seeing the new glossy blue and white bathroom.
”Thanks,” the sisters said in unison.
”Let’s get to work on my hair,” Gisela said anxious to see her new look. She pulled out the hair dye box from the cabinet underneath the sink.
”Let me get my camera,” Kim suggested, moving quickly to her room. “I want to take before and after shots.”
”Good idea,” her sister approved. “Gotta put it on MySpace!”
~G
”You look so good,” Kim said pleased and happy for her twin. A little while later, Gisela had her hair blown dry with the chestnut brown color she had chosen at the beauty store last week.
Eve looked at her best friend. “And just in time for school next week.”
”I love it,” Alex marveled.
”I love the color,” Kris added in.
”When school starts everyone is gonna want the same color,” Les informed her.
”Thanks J.B.’s,” Gisela gratefully said happy that her friends approved her new look.
Kim took a quick shot of her sister’s new look.
”Are you guys still up for T. or D.?” Kristin asked when they were back in Gisela’s room.
Les yawned. “Not tonight.”
”Why not?” Eve wanted to know.
”I’m tired.”
”We can play some other time,” Kim reminded her.
”Okay,” Eve gave in. “Bon amis.”
”Bon amis,” her friends said back. It was the french way of saying goodnight friends. As each girl climbed in either Gisela’s bed or on sleeping bags, Gisela waited for them to settle before clapping her hands twice to signal the lights to cut off.
G~
”You like?” Les asked her friends in the Beverly Center in Los Angeles on Saturday morning. She had tried on a pair of shoes and wanted them to make comments on them. She received good approval and decided to purchase them after she was done looking for other pairs to try on.
”I’m really going to miss you guys,” Kristin said louder than she intended to sound.
”What do you mean?” Gisela asked, examining the shoe racks.
”I’m moving,” She answered, looking at a pair of shoes before turning towards her friends, tears forming in her eyes.
”What? Where? When? Why? How?” Gisela demanded to know. She couldn’t help ask these questions rapidly.
”One question at a time,” Kris said, trying to stop the tears from spilling from her eyes. “We’re moving to New York on Wednesday. Both my parents got transferred to the same firm and we’re flying by plane and our stuff is going in trucks and on the train. Hey, what do you know, I made a rhyme.” She laughed nervously but the others didn’t join in.
”No, not you,” Gisela said a notch higher than her normal voice. “Not our best friend, not our next door neighbor, not our girl since sixth grade. This can’t be happening.”
Kim put an arm around her twin and tried to comfort her. “But it is happening,” was all she could think of quickly.
”I know it’s happening,” she snapped and wiped her tears away. “I was just saying—but why now? Why her?” She wanted to know.
”Well, I know one thing,” Alex said, trying unsuccessfully to keep the tears from forming, “we’re going to send her off in style.”
”Yeah, you’re right,” Eve agreed, trying to look on the bright side.
”Let’s start with going to Haagan Dazs,” Les suggested.
”Nos vamos,” Kim cheerfully replied, a smile creeping on her face.
”Ice cream lifts everyones spirits,” Kris said beamingly, heading for the entrance of the store.
”Wait!” Les shouted, stopping everyone in their tracks.
”What?” Alex waited for a reply.
”I want to buy these shoes,” Les answered as if the shoes were more important than ice cream. She changed back into her own shoes.
”We’ll meet you there,” Gisela yelled behind her back as they left the store.
”I’ll wait with cha,” Kim offered as she headed towards the cash register with Leslie.
”Thanks,” she gratefully said as she gave the cashier her money.
”I’m really gonna miss her,” Kim said quietly.
”Me too,” Les said sadly as she received her change and a shopping bag. “Things aren’t going to be the same.”
”But we did have some good times,” Kim grinned at what she had said.
”A lot,” Les nodded.
”Let’s hurry up before they order without us,” Kim realized as they left the store.
”Or order for us,” Les said, biting her lip, indicating the possibility that it happened before, all thanks to Gisela.
”Is that possible?” Kim asked unsure.
”Nah,” Les answered after giving it some thought. “But let’s hurry anyway.”
~G
”It’s been a really crazy week,” Gisela thought out loud. It was Tuesday, the day before Kristin was to move across the country. She was mixing various gifts into bags. She had just finished her shopping for Kristin’s going away party that was planned for that night at her house.
There was a knock at her door. She instantly figured out who it was by the location of the sound. Gisela gave permission for Kim to come through their shared bathroom.
”¿Como esta?” Kimina asked her twin, concerned.
”Bien,” she mumbled, fumbling with a bow on a present, trying to keep herself busy. “I’m almost done.”
”No no,” Kim said, she put aside some bags and sat on her sister’s bed. “I meant about Cupcakes.”
”I guess I’ll be alright,” she mumbled again, putting a big stuffed animal into a bag.
Kim was trying to be helpful when she asked, “you want me to help you carry this stuff downstairs?”
”Claro,” Gisela said, pulling herself up.
”Cheer up, Honey Bunny,” Kim replied, having gifts in her arms. “Things will be perfect in the end. I promise.”
”They better,” Gisela remarked with a change of attitude. “Let’s hurry and get dressed so we can party.”
”Okay,” she agreed as they reached the bottom landing.
”Wow, this place looks beautiful,” Gisela commented as she saw the decorations of their first floor become a party area.
”It does, doesn’t it?” Kim was smiling.
”You did all this by yourself?”
”No chica,” Kim said, waving her hands, laughing. “With help from Les, Alex, Eve, and a little help from mami.”
Gisela looked at her watch. “It’s six-thirty. We have an hour and a half to get ready.”
”Help me bring the rest of my gifts down,” Kim told her.
”Let’s hurry though,” Gisela said as she ran up the stairs with her sister close behind her.
G~
”Great party, G.” Someone called to Gisela from across the room but she couldn’t put the face and voice together so she just waved in that direction and smiled.
”I love the hat,” someone yelled.
”Thanks,” Gisela said, smiling even wider. It was two hours after the party had started and no one had questioned her about why her hair wasn’t down as usual.
”Well if it isn’t Miss Perfect herself,” someone called from behind her.
Gisela rolled her eyes as she recognized the voice. It belonged to her co-captain, Marisa Diaz. She willingly turned around.
”Are you deaf or just retarded?” She asked irritated at the nickname. “I thought I made it loud and clear to you that I might look perfect in your mind, but I’m not. Nobody is perfect so get off my back.”
A crowd had formed a circle around Gisela and Marisa. “I guess she told you,” Donald Mc Kay said as he jokingly snapped his fingers in a circle. That had everyone laughing.
”Shut up Donald,” Marisa said angrily. “What a lovely dress. Where’d ya get it?”
”From a store,” Gisela answered flatly.
”And the hat?”
”What’s with all the questions?” Gisela wondered.
”I just wanted to know,” Marisa said, now with a piece of chewing gum in her mouth, smacking it very loudly.
”I feel left out because I’m not asking questions,” Gisela said, pretending to be sad. Then in a polite voice, “Can I ask you a question?”
”Claro,” Marisa said, looking at her nails.
”What are you doing at Cupcake’s party?” She asked sweetly.
”What?” Marisa said shocked at this new change of attitude.
”I never invited you,” Gisela went on. “And I know my friends didn’t either.”
”Well…I—I,” Marisa stuttered, trying to find the right words. “You see…I…uh.”
”Now get outta my face before I do some real damage,” Gisela said sneeringly.
Everyone started to laugh as Marisa turned around speechless and quickly left the room. Gisela went over to her best friends and their boyfriends as they continued to spend their last night together with Stephanie.
~G
I hate when parties end like this, Gisela thought sadly. She saw Stephanie’s going away party became a couple’s only party. I wish I had taken up some guy’s offer to meet me here. At least I would be happy for tonight. Gisela stood up off the couch and walked slowly towards the stairs. I can’t stay here and watch other girls make out with their boyfriends, that’s not my style.
There must be someone out there that’s right for me, Gisela thought as she changed into a pair of pajamas. Maybe on Thursday when school starts, she thought hopefully. Maybe there is someone at John Marshall’s just right for me.
Gisela pulled the covers back, turned the air conditioner on and got into bed. She clapped her hands to cut off the light and laid in a comfortable position. I wish I had a boyfriend that made me happy and loved me. She shrugged off the thought. That will never happen.
Little did she know that she would be changing her tune in the upcoming weeks. Things were about to get interesting and a lot better for Gisela. As long as she went for the right guy.
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black_butterfly reviewed Version 1 -
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Jacamo reviewed Version 2 -
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Overall the story reads well,and the main charater Gisella along with her twin and their friends have a lively discourse.This allows the story to develop and flow.There are a few grammatical disconnects ie; on page 10 “some many girls are going to bite her style” The line throws the flow off.More than just their hair, there needs to be a better physical description of the characters in play.What do they look like? How old are they? Round the characters out a bit more,to allow the readers to identify with each of them better.
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AstridM reviewed Version 2 -
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First of all: Show, don’t tell. The narrator’s job is not to give a bland rundown of the action, but to describe the action in such a way that the reader can be a part of the characters’ experiences.
Second: What story are you trying to tell? Every part of the story needs to propel the reader toward the “point” of the story. The story doesn’t seem to have any focus.
Third: Give your reader time to process! You immediately introduce at least six characters who carry on several conversations and include other characters. It’s too much! You don’t need to name every actor, ex-boyfriend, or school rival that comes along. And we don’t need to know all the girls’ last names. Similarly, we don’t need to know everything the girls say. If it doesn’t move the story along, cut it out.
Fourth: This one goes along with #3. Trim, trim, trim. Get rid of wordiness, repetition, and anything that the reader can figure out.
Example: “Gisela went into Kim’s room and…As the movie played, she began to drift off into dream land.” You’ve turned this into a slo-mo replay. Try to tighten it. “Gisela retrieved the DVD from Kim’s room. The other girls had their boyfriends, but she had Matt to keep her company. As the opening credits played, she drifted off to sleep.”
PhotoWriter reviewed Version 2 -
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This writing was very original, characters named and identified well. The plot itself might warrant a little more diversity within the story, i.e., tied in, related plots associated with the central themes and characters. This story line would appeal to a youth audience of teenagers specifically. I would encourage the author to continue writing along these lines and stretching their creativity to that audience. There is very strong potential.
rsaioxkreual reviewed Version 1 -
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First things first—you start off boring. That is easily the worst thing you could possibly do. The reader, in the beginning, doesn’t care about the characters or the situation. You need to make them interested, and as it stands right now, you don’t have that hook for the reader to get.
The very next thing I noticed you repeatedly doing was the tags at the end of dialog. Not only are they repetitive (She said, she exclaimed, she answered, et cetera) but they add absolutely nothing to the story. All it tells us is who is speaking. Sometimes it doesnt’ even exaplin what the person is doing. For example, when someone explains something, does their hands do anything? When yelling in anger, would a person grab at their hair and maybe smack something? This is a good place to add these in. As it is, you have none, and so the reader once again is pulled away from the characters.
Third, have you looked at how much dialog you have? It isn’t a bad thing, but just look at how it’s lined up. Look at the beginning of every paragraph and you’ll see my problem with it. 90% of your paragraphs begin with dialog. Most, in fact, only have dialog and one little tag that doesn’t exceed 4 words. It’s a boring and repetitive cycle. Try and use some other things, liven it up. Don’t follow the same pattern over and over again.
This would also be a good time to point out that the random different language will bother some people. It would probably be best if you didn’t have it. It really doesn’t fit into the story at the moment. ALso, if you’re going to have a character with a specific dialogue, then keep it constant. You don’t do that all of the time. It would be a good time to also point out that your characters have yet to make their own voices heard. I wouldn’t know who’s speaking unless it’s told to me. You want to get to the point where the reader automatically knows exactly who’s talknig and why. Maybe it’s because you started off with a group of teenage girls, but you need to work on that.
Also, you keep switching POV. One minute you’re in Lee’s, then Gisela, and it keeps going. You need to stick to one single character because otherwise it gets really connfusing for the reader. At times, it feels as though my head’s going to explode from the random changing.
Next, you seem to be laying on a lot of cliches. Boyfriends, the nicknames, the catfight at the end with the same co-captain cheerleader that’s present in waaaaay too many chick-lit stories. You need to comeup with your own ideas about that. I understand that writing things original can be hard, but you need to try the hardest you can. This is too much like so many other stories, and while those sometimes sell, you have to think about if they make you stand out in the croud of teen-lit. Right now, in my personal opinion, this doesn’t do that for me.
Now, don’t be discouraged by the things I’ve told you. Just think of it as constructive critisism. I am really rooting for you here and I do hope that you take some of my advice. You have a few good things like some of the concepts with Gisela, but you need to push those through.
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to drop me a line.
-Heather
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