Haiku/Senryu / Ambiguous

Good senryu.
These elements do lead to raw feelings.

I really like how you approach a person’s emotions, in dealing with a deceitful person. This haiku is really unique in it’s composure.

I did find a problem that’s easily fixed though. In your second line, you have an eight count syllable. You could solve that problem just by either, taking out ‘lie’ or changing ‘cultivating’ to ‘cultivate’.

The second line is my favorite one, because I interpreted it as causing ‘many doubts’ in a person’s character.

Loved it!

Rhonda

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July 19, 2008

by onlywish

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1524	85.2% (398 votes)	77.4%

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37	F	United States	October 12

Great suggestions. I missed the count good catch. Thank you.

July 19, 2008

by guild

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100	F	United States	September 23

Thanks, that’s what we’re here for.

I really love your haiku poems, because you have a very insightful mind.

Take care..

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A clever and oblique haiku. It digs to the root of repressed emotions and conveys the sharp slap of emotional darkness brought to the light. Very clever work, and “cultivating sprouts” adds a lighter touch.

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May 21, 2008

by onlywish

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1524	85.2% (398 votes)	77.4%

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37	F	United States	October 12

You are also clever.

May 22, 2008

by Harold_P

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22	M	United Kingdom	November 23

Evidently not for the person who marked this as unhelpful. Grr.

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This was a very good piece.The wordplay is wonderful.The syllable count is correct,575.This painted a very colorful picture in my mind. Great job.

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May 21, 2008

by onlywish

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1524	85.2% (398 votes)	77.4%

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37	F	United States	October 12

Thank you

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I can’t quite get the link to the title, unless you’re saying the piece can deliberately be interpreted in many ways.

I like L1 and L2, and the idea of secrets or emotions that have been kept hidden continuing to live and grow.  The jump to exposing a nerve seems quite big in L3, unless you’re saying the action of secrets growing also exposed the nerve.

I’m not completely sure about ‘cultivating sprouts’, but don’t have much better to offer right away.  Germinating, perhaps?  A solid senryu that I think is close to being very good.

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May 21, 2008

by onlywish

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1524	85.2% (398 votes)	77.4%

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37	F	United States	October 12

Germinating. Not a bad thought. Thank you for your suggestions and kind review.

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