Thanks for pointing out the Marshal law…with as many times as I proof read my own things you would think that I would have caught on….I shall have to change that.
Poetry / Marshal Law
This is Marshal Law,
Iron boots of oppression pound the desolate streets,
Making void the once bustling sound of freedom,
The voices of kids laughing in the moonlight,
Now is just an echo,
Replaced by the shots of domestication,
Ringing from the same barrels that once shouted for freedom,
The hollow shells drop leaving in their wake a hollow trail,
Gunpowder soaks up the tears shed by liberties children,
They see them as “terrorists” fighting for a lost cause,
We see them as freedom fighters,
Waging war for a cause never lost,
This is Marshal Law,
Neon green eyes peer through the darkness,
Watching for the steps of those stepping out of place,
Bringing order to disorder,
Disorderly seeking to subdue the savage beast of patriotism,
A new order rising from the uprising of those tired of tyranny,
As the sun rises the dew holds drops of blood,
Dripping from those who have a drop of hope,
Drooling over the idea of having their country of old,
This is Marshal Law,
These “rebels” are put down in public squares and dark allies,
Armor covered soldiers solid in their stares,
Gaze into the eyes of their neighbors and friends,
Unmerciful mercenaries paid with the idea of civil upheaval,
Riddle these “traitors” with torrents of bullets,
No questions asked,
No answers needed,
This is Marshal Law,
Crowds of dreamers lie in waiting,
Flaming bottles held steadily in their hands,
As the marching grows louder sweat lingers from the brows of anticipation,
Windows filled with the faces of eager idealists,
The scent of freedom is smelled with every exhalation,
The feeling of independence felt as the salt perspires through every pore,
Thickening the air around the passionate people patiently waiting for retribution,
Revenge for the deaths of “deviants” that were nothing more then martyrs,
They were the parents and children,
Who would not let the idea die,
This is Marshal Law,
The ground shakes below their steady feet,
Confident faces of supremacy collide with splenetic faces of undeterred uncertainty,
The light glows as the blaze rages,
Cast from the hands of the caged ages,
Swarmed with a torrent of ire and rage,
Erupting from the soul of freedoms seekers,
The windows spit fire as the dark corners churn out lead,
From the rooftops the rebel cries haunt the dreams of the slumbering,
Hailing from the skies a wall of bricks and stone descend upon the submissive soldiers,
In the middle knuckle meets knuckle,
Bone meets bone,
Blood meets blood,
Subjugation meets Freedom,
This is Marshal Law,
Cities rise to raze this abomination of a country they love so much,
To take to the streets with weapons in their hands and hope in their hearts,
The very blocks that use to be their stomping grounds now are war zones,
Filled with the bodies of their oppressors,
The sewers fill with the blood of martyrs and enemies alike,
Draining from the roads above,
We will be undeterred from our cause,
Unswayable with our resolve,
Unstoppable in our revolution,
For this is our country,
This is our home,
This is Our Law.
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johntheroman reviewed Version 1 -
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I had to give the ratings sections dealing with public approval low scores because this is a poem that most people would stay away from.
As for your talent and clarity, yes --- this is very clear and you convey a lot of conviction in writing it. The poem strikes a chord with every fiber of me that screams for people to recognize that the greatest act of patriotism is dissent and that the government should have a healthy fear of its people.
Well written.
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GreenIguana reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought this was a very interesting poem and it may come to pass. A few suggestions for clarity:
The correct phrase is “Martial Law.”
“Watching for the steps of those stepping out of place,
Bringing order to disorder,
Disorderly seeking to subdue the savage beast of patriotism,
A new order rising from the uprising of those tired of tyranny,”
it got a little confusing who was who here. Perhaps add a pronoun somewhere.
“As the marching grows louder sweat lingers from the brows of anticipation”
I don’t think “linger” is the right verb here. Perhaps “beads” or “drips”?
Although I understand your intent in the repetition of the phrase “Marshal [sic] Law” I wonder if it might enhance the poem to find a corresponding phrase to describe the other side, especially since in the end you reference “Our Law.”
Teehka reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you meant liberty’s rather than liberties children.
I felt these lines slowed the pace of the poem a bit:
“Disorderly seeking to subdue the savage beast of patriotism,
A new order rising from the uprising of those tired of tyranny.”
By contrast, I love the continuity here:
“As the sun rises the dew holds drops of blood,
Dripping from those who have a drop of hope,”
“nothing more then” should be “than”.
I would have liked to have seen a period at the end of this line, only because it would have been a strong end to the lines that came before it. “Erupting from the soul of freedoms seekers,” The line is so strong standing on its own.
I’d suggest taking out a few commas and putting in periods instead in order to strengthen some of your already really strong lines. All in all I think this is a fantastic poem that’s also a story.
Steven_Benjamin reviewed Version 1 -
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I like how this gives voice to the anger and spirit of those who have been marginalized in the minds of the aggressors as “terrorists”. There’s a great violent energy to this piece, too, like your trying to rally the reader. There are alot of great images here, but not all of them cohere. I think it would be interesting to see a leaner version of this poem. Just try narrowing down to some of the most vital ideas and images. I think would only add to it’s urgency.
dark_ink reviewed Version 1 -
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I Like How Visual Your Poem Gets As I Keep Reading…Greate Job!
angknott reviewed Version 1 -
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paints a picture perfectly
easywriter57 reviewed Version 1 -
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last line seems unfinished
Overall, this is very good and reflects the vision of those in most oppressed countries. I think”liberties children” is meant to be “liberty’s children”.
jalubcarrey reviewed Version 1 -
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The structure is chaos as the subject is itself. If that’s the intent, that the structure is chaotic, then you’ve done well. I would wonder if you could put in more senses . . . touch, sight, smells. In chaos there is the smell of oil, polluted water, dust, sweat, grease (in hair and in machinery). The sights are flaring and aggressive, disjointed—here you’ve done well. There are good abstractions, but pull in more minute detail to add depth.
moonlitjade reviewed Version 1 -
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WOW you are awesome and you are talking about all the different wars that have gone on through the centries that have been fought against rebel groups. I will try not to go political on you cause I 90 percent agree with you on the entire topic of a lot of Wars that the US has been in. Anyways I love your imagery it is frickin awesome and well yeah but I think your rhythum is off I read it aloud and their were some parts that poetically made sense and had good rhythum and some that were making sense in my mind but not the poem cuz your rhythum was a little off Somehow, ( IDK cuz im a new writer ) your rhyme scheme needs perfected a little bit
mysterianne reviewed Version 1 -
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WOW. And triple threat wow.I wrote a short piece on the same subject.Most are afraid to do so.Lots of descriptive imagery and you put us right in the middle of the conflict.awesome.I bow…LITERARY GENIUS.
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