Sci Fi & Fantasy / Prologue (Analysis)
She was falling. Slowly, but still falling. It hadn’t occurred to her that she couldn’t tell how she knew she was falling, for everything was pitch black. She finally hit the floor softly as she landed on her feet. Although she couldn’t see, she remained calm and calculating, and began pondering where she was. The place was desolate, or so she assumed. The darkness swallowed everything, but she could still see herself quite clearly. She did not continue this line of thought however, as flames shot up all around her. Panic gripped her as they started to dance in a circle with the teenage girl in the middle. The flames were so close they were scorching hot, and yet they did not burn her skin, though it scared her and she began panicking. Wondering if she would get out alive, she looked in front of her as she saw a sword sticking out of the flames. It was drawing her in closer and closer as if calling out to her. She grabbed a hold of it, the flames vanished, and she was left holding a katana. The darkness that followed was unbearably cold. Her breath fogged the polished metal, as she stared at the sword. Suddenly, she heard a booming voice. “Why did you want to get rid of the flames? Why did you pick up a weapon instead of staying warm?” The girl looked around, frightened, but saw no one. “The flames did not hurt you, but that sword is.” Before she could ask what that meant, she looked down at her hands. They were covered in so much blood they were dripping. Just as she saw the blood, the screams of hundreds of people pierced her ears. Scared and confused she let the sword go only to find the blood was not her own, for her hands were not injured. The piercing cries hurt and she covered her ears with her bloody hands. To her amazement, the blood was still warm as it trickled down her chin. The cold air became frigid but she could not let go of her ears for fear of becoming deaf. As the screams continued, she started sinking down as the ground gave out beneath her. She cried for help, she begged for forgiveness, but no one was there to hear her cries, so she just started falling farther into nothing.
Just then, she woke up in her own messy room. Sweat was falling from her face as she looked out the window. It was still night, but she wasn’t tired anymore. She didn’t think of the dream. Every night she did all she could to forget it because it was too painful. Using the light from the nearly full moon, she went to the bathroom to splash cold water on her face. The rooms were filled with tall shadows that made her edgy to be alone. As she downed a glass of water, she once again began feeling drowsy and wandered back into bed, but the dream was still haunting the back of her mind as she fell into an uneasy sleep.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
This 35 word review has not been unlocked.
This 26 word review has not been unlocked.
This 793 word review has not been unlocked.
Interesting. Kept me reading through to the end.
The fact this is a dream is not a surprise. You could make it dreamier.. actually you’re almost there already, but it feels like you’re trying to hold off letting us know it’s not really happening.
Technically, you have some work to do. Start by getting rid of 75% of the pronouns. You’ll be amazed and pleased with the results. Also, eliminate every ‘that’ ‘was/were’ ‘could’ ‘look’ ‘watch’ ‘hear’ etc. that you can. This will help you show rather than tell.
That first paragraph needs to be broken into at least 4 or 5. Off the top, I see breaks at: ’The place was desolate’ ‘Wondering if she would get out alive’ and at the dialogue.
Don’t call her the teenage girl.. that’s a pov slip. she wouldn’t think that about herself.
This is very good. It’s imaginative and well drawn. It is not, however, ready to be seen by an agent or publisher. You want to send them the very best you can do.
Writing is easy. It’s the rewriting that will kill you, but you can not shortcut your way around it.
Luck to you,
ali
- add/view comments (0)
Showing 1 - 4 of 4
Review item
Add to faves
GENERAL
REVIEW QUEUE
Ratings & Rankings
