Poetry / Burnt Out

As poetry goes this ones great, well done; I love the repetition throughout it really works and can feel the pain and anguish.  If you’re looking for improvement the only thing I don’t see is a vivid picture.  By using a stanza or two with a few metaphors in, more drama could come from this piece and make it A**, but that is only an idea and you are the poet in this instance.

I THINK THE CUSS WORD WAS USED WITH WELL INTENTIONS BUT IT ACTUALLY HURT THE MOOD OF THE POEM. BUT MY FAVORITE LINE:

Shown up, I look up and I give up

AND THATS PROBABLY WHY THE NEXT LINE TO FOLLOW I THINK IS THE WORST LINE.
I’D ALSO CHANGE THE TITLE OF THE POEM BECAUSE AFTER THE FIRST STANZA EVEN THOUGH I CAN SEE YOU BEING BURNT OUT ALITTLE IT TAKES FROM THE WHOLE MESSAGE OF THE POEM IN WHICH YOU ARE GIVING UP.

I like how you began this piece as a fury of emotion and thought, it draws the audience in.
Try to expand on the feelings of the second line, prehaps echo the distance of someone elses but only use the expression once.
Someones elses pain in my head, thoughtless rejection

I bite down on the aggression…great visual!
My abandoned heart; an empty hole

Of muted self-expression…strangely powerful and LOUD for contrast of expression…brilliant!

I’m someone very different now, not myself

Shown up, I look up and I give up…again a fury of the core of the subject matter…

Grand ending, I think minimal revision will end your burn out!  Good work!

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November 19, 2008

by HeavyMetalMouth

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28	M	United Kingdom	July 28

Wow. Thank you. Best review I’ve ever had, and I can only accept your suggestions as theres no argument to be had. Glad you took the time, I appreciate it -

Paul

December 12, 2008

by sadpoet

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You’re welcome.  Really good work!

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I didn’t like the third stanza, second line, it seems awkward, and cursing, while it used to be edgy is now used when someone has nothingelse to say. And the first part of it sounds like a line in the Less Than Jake song For The Rest of My Life. But otherwise, I like the rest. The repetition works well for it. Good job. :)

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October 25, 2008

by HeavyMetalMouth

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28	M	United Kingdom	July 28

FUCK Less Than Jake… I spit on the comparison… and to swear is to exclaim to a great degree, and there is nothing more fitting. I don’t swear for edge, I swear for tone… it’s called “turn of phrase”, heard of it?

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Thank you, thank you for writing such a great poem.  My only critique is that me’s needs an apostrophe.

Apart from that, I’m totally fulfilled by what I’ve read. Thanks again!

I rather liked this piece, noticed the way you tried to rhyme through on the aggression and carried the line through the piece – clever.  The poetry comes together as a whole well, just watch for those apostrophes we all do it at times! Hint ‘it’s’ not its in last stanza – hope this helps in some small way! Kindest thoughts and intentions.

I’ll be honest, and no doubt have the review referred for recrediting, I find this kind of ‘woe is me’ stuff very difficult to relate.  i think its because a) there’s a lot of it about b) the imagery is somewhat repetitive (holes, twisted walls, vomit etc; you spared us the last two and though its a bit like the vomit lines, i rather liked gutter mouths) and c) because there is so little extrinsic to relate to.  In terms of constructive suggestions I’d ask you to concentrate more on what’s making the narrator feel this way, why should we relate to it beyond when (if) we’re feeling depressed ourselves.  You’ve got some nice phrases in here so it seems to me you should turn that talent outwards just a little, i loved ’ I bite down on the agression and swallow my own soul’ for instance

Morbid…but morbidity does not exclude beauty. Nice.