I’ll keep what you say in mind. After all, it is a revision that I had come up w/on Sunday and haven’t quite gotten around to reading it..yeah, haven’t even proofed it but I’m a FT student n shouldn’t even be on here nowsince I have so much work to do. Thanks for your input!
Young Adult / Opportunities Neglected and Reborn-Ch. 1 (Analysis)
Chapter One
“My life sucks!” Gisela confused to her best friends in her room at their final sleep over for the summer before their sophomore year of high school began. With no new boys to occupy her mind and her time split between hanging out with her friends or going on family trips since school let out in June, Gisela Arnez came to this conclusion.
Being one of her best friends since kindergarten, Alex Kent did not take her seriously. “With me in your life, I beg to differ.” She flipped to the next page of a Seventeen magazine featuring a new fashion style for the upcoming fall season. “I know how your mind thinks G., just because you don’t have a serious boyfriend anymore does not mean your life sucks.”
Kristin Marison laughed at Alex’s narcissism. “Gisela forgot how often they fought and the reason they broke up. She’s just focusing on there’s no one to call or text her, ask her what she is up to or check out her website profiles to see who she may be hooking up with instead of spending time with him.”
Gisela had to disagree with that statement. “Jeremy was so not like that Kris! He was a very loving, concerned boyfriend who thought I was seeing someone else. Who doesn’t get paranoid from not wanting to lose the person they’re dating?”
Leslie Taylor was originally not going to get into their conversation but focus on the one she was having with Gisela’s twin sister, Kimina and Evie Jenkins but had to cut in after hearing Gisela’s question. “People who trust their boyfriend and girlfriend don’t act like that Gisela. I wouldn’t be engaged to Myles if I had any doubt about what he was doing or whom he was doing it with.”
Kim just sat on the edge of the bed in amusement. “Why are we even discussing this? Gisela is just saying all of this because school is about to begin and there are no cute boys on her radar this year. I mean, she already went through half the class in grammar school and the other half last year!”
“Hey!” Gisela interjected. “That is so not true!”
Kim rolled her eyes. “Oh yeah, that’s excluding our boyfriends and family members.”
The girls all laughed at her joke.
Evie got up from her beam bag chair and walked over to Gisela, sitting next to her and wrapping her arm around her shoulder. “That’s not necessarily true Baby Girl. I recall her crush on Jose in grammar school. Since he’s my brother and you guys are like my sisters, that’s incest! I don’t want my niece or nephew coming out deformed!”
“Guys stop! Why can’t I just be a regular teen who wants to express her personal thoughts on her life to her closest friends without being made fun of? Starting Thursday, I’m going to find a new group of friends I’m calling Jawhi Blatinas cuz you guys suck just as much as my life!”
“Good luck with that.” Alex challenged the reason behind the name Jawhi Blatinas. “Where are you going to find a Jamaican, white girl mixed with Spanish, another twin, Spanish-French and black girl that not only go to our school and get along but will also have your back?”
Gisela looked dumbfounded for a moment. She shrugged her shoulders. There has to be a few on the cheerleading squad.”
Her friends laugh.
When the laughter stopped, Evie spoke up. “Everyone knows the only person on the squad you get along with is me and unless the rumor of the school combining the sophomore and junior squads into the junior varsity team, your cousin and friends do not count. It’s a wonder they all voted you in as captain and Marisa, who they love as the co-captain.”
Kim scuffed at the mentioned of Marisa Diaz. She had her personal reasons for disliking Marisa, including the fact that her boyfriend almost dated her before they hooked up in grammar school and she still tried to dig her claws into him even to this day.
“Oh here we go,” Les announced, at the reaction Kim had just given. “This is the reason I don’t think Gisela’s life is boring. Between you and Kim, there is so much drama in your lives. It takes up all of our time.”
“Quit rubbing it in that you have the good boyfriend/fiancé,” Kris accused, throwing a few popcorn kernels her way.
Gisela witnessed this happen. “I know Kris is going to clean that up because neither I nor Carla is going to clean up her mess.”
Kris shook her head no. “Uh-unh, Carla loves me,” she insisted. “She knows she won’t be back til next summer so she’ll gladly clean up after me.”
“No she won’t,” Kim let her know. “I mean she would but we won’t let her. Get your own hired help to pick up after you.”
Being bored with the conversation between her friends, Alex said, “speaking of Carla. I want some more junk food.” No one was really surprised since she was always hungry.
Eve stood up and went over to the intercom on the wall against Gisela’s bedroom door. “Everyone just say what they want—one at a time!” When the girls all agreed, she pressed the button for the kitchen. Being the last person to say what she wanted, she thanks Carla and told her they would be down shortly.
“Okay Eve,” Carla Santaro replied back.
“Thanks for taking over my hosting job,” Gisela remarked to Eve, not upset. “I am in lazy mode with my life up for grabs.”
“Es nada,” Eve spoke, saying it’s nothing in Spanish while smiling at her friend.
Leslie looked at the time on her cell phone. It was only 7: 30 p.m. “It’ll be half an hour before the movie starts. What’re we doing ‘til then?”
“Let’s all do the quiz Alex had mentioned earlier on which celebrity would look good on our arm,” Kris suggested.
Kim didn’t want to do that yet. “Let’s wait until we’re ready to sleep.”
“I know,” Gisela suddenly thought. “We forgot to order pizza.”
“Well, pick up the phone you cow and call Panini’s,” Alex ordered her in a funny voice.
“I’m going to get you for that cow joke,” Gisela promised her best friend after she laughed. She picked up the phone and dialed the number they all knew well for Panini’s Pizza.
“Are we getting the usual or something else?”
“The usual,” everyone agreed.
They all knew it wouldn’t take too long for the pizza to arrive from downtown Los Angeles to their elite West Hollywood section. The pizza would come just about the time for the movie to start on HBO. They could have opted for a pie just a few blocks down the street from where Gisela, Kim, and Kristin lived but it wasn’t a favorite of theirs and they wanted the best for their last Friday night before school started.
The intercom buzzed and Gisela hopped up to answer it.
“Girls, the snacks are ready,” Carla announced. “Come down whenever you like.”
“Okay,” Gisela answered before disconnecting. The girls followed her to the kitchen on the lower level to get their snacks and wait for their pizza delivery.
G~
“I’m having a really good time!” Kris said between bites of her extra cheese pizza. “We’ve got great food, good friends, and a scary movie to top it off.”
“That’s the reason why we shouldn’t invite you over!” Kim said playfully.
“Yeah, you make it seem like it’s Turkey Day,” Alex added with a laugh, “and not just the end of summer.”
Kris pretended to be serious but laughed anyway. “Ha ha, very funny.”
“We know,” Les said, laughing and then they all did.
“Shhh,” Gisela quieted everyone down. “The movie’s about to start.”
“Wasn’t ‘Wax Museum’ a creepy movie?” Kim asked when the credits were rolling.
Alex grabbed another slice of pepperoni pizza, making her fifth slice. “I think Chad Michael Murray is hotter than Robert Ri’chard.”
“If you don’t watch it, your stomach is going to blow up,” Gisela warned. “I advise that the first thing that you do on Sunday is jog.”
“Your addiction to health doesn’t affect me,” Alex said, sticking her tongue out. “Besides, I don’t gain weight like some girls I know.”
“Don’t talk about Les like that,” Gisela giggled, sticking her own tongue out before Leslie threw a handful of popcorn at her.
“Here’s the movie we’ve all been dyin’ to see,” Kim announced after putting the surprise disc in the DVD player. “I hope you like.”
“What is it?” Eve asked anxiously.
“Tranquila—calm down, it’s starting,” Gisela hushed her.
Kristin screamed.
“Is this for real?” Gisela asked disappointed.
“Oh ma gawd!” Alex exclaimed and then screamed.
“I can’t believe it,” Kris said, smirking. She moved her chair closer to the TV.
“Our absolute favorite fine specimen actor is in this movie,” Les said gleefully. She was so excited. “Matthew Taylor. Where did you get this movie Baby Girl?”
Kim, who was sitting beside her, began to explain. “One day I was in a video store and there was this big sale. It was mostly old people there and the crazy thing is, this movie is out but it’s never been in the theater!”
Evie considered the possibility of this happening. “That is strange. Maybe it was leaked somehow? On second thought, who cares? Mr. Taylor is so hot!”
“You know I’m always going on saying I could easily be his wife, right?” Les reminded her friends. “We do have the same last name and Leslie Taylor is so easy to roll off the tongue.”
Alex waved her hand at her. “As if Les! You better just focus on being Mrs. Myles Prescod. M.T. is all mine.”
Gisela didn’t want to hear anymore about him. She focused on her nails and decided she needed to go to the nail salon to get a refill soon. “What’s so interesting about him anyway?”
Kris forced her eyes away from the movie to look back at her. “You’re kidding us right?” Then knowing better, answering for her. “No, you’re not.”
“He’s so hot and fine,” Alex put in. “Sexy smile, nice body, mmmhh! How could you not be attracted to him?”
“That’s all good and true but I don’t care for him,” Gisela answered her. “Most guys at school are cute.”
“Hello?” Kim was getting impatient and started the movie again. “The movie is playing! I want to hear all he has to say.”
“Okay, fine,” Gisela finally gave in. “He’s..okay.”
But deep down, Gisela thought Matthew Taylor was gorgeous. He was the most amazing actor in the world to her. Of course, she couldn’t tell her friends because she was Gisela. She always played hard to get in their little group of friends and even if she was in love with the guy she never let up in the beginning. Her dream was to become famous with either singing or acting just to meet him.
“M.T. was incredible,” Les gushed when the movie ended.
“Let’s see it again,” Kris added in.
Gisela had other things on the agenda. “Girl, please. Maybe tomorrow after we go shopping.”
Les didn’t see why they couldn’t watch it again. She wanted to be stubborn and not participate in anything else. “So what are we going to do?”
Alex went to the kitchen with Evie to get another bottle of water. They came back in time to hear Gisela’s conversation with her sister.
Gisela was standing in front of her twin, trying to convince her to do what she wanted. “Are you sure you don’t want to do this? It’ll be a great new look!”
“No,” Kim said stubbornly. “We’ve never been doing the same things before and we’re not going to start now.”
“What are you two talkin’ about?” Alex demanded to know in her Jamaican accent.
“I want to dye my hair, but Baby Girl doesn’t,” Gisela pouted as she crossed her arms over her chest.
“Maybe she thinks that if she does change her hair color,” Alex guessed, “she’ll be a completely different chick. I think we all would feel that way if we had to be exactly like you.”
Gisela hit her with a pillow for saying that. “What’s the big deal? It’s not like it’s going to stay that way for long. Besides, if you don’t like it, you can change it.”
“The fact is G.,” Kim shouted her sister’s way, “I like my jet black hair the way it is naturally. And it’s my business if I want to keep it this way.”
“Fine. That’s all you gotta say,” Gisela was steaming mad as she eyed her twin. “It’s not your fault that you’re the type of person who never changes.”
Kim was ready to slap her. “I know you ain’t talking you—”
“Stop it,” Eve cut in between them. “You girls are best friend, sisters, forget that, you’re twins and it would be stupid to fight over who is or who isn’t getting her hair dyed.”
“Sweetie is right,” Gisela spoke, breaking the silence that had come over the room. “It is a stupid thing to fight about.”
“Lo siento,” Kim apologized in Spanish, saying she was sorry.
“I’m sorry too,” Gisela said. She went over to Kim and wrapped her arms around her. “I could get another best friend, but not another twin, my soul mate. I love you.”
“Te amo tambien.” They stopped embracing.
“Now don’t you two feel better?” Les asked, grinning. She couldn’t help but add, “this just proves my point. You two and drama!”
Gisela and Kim laughed.
Even though she didn’t want to change her hair color until she was a little older, Kim told Gisela she would do it.
“No K.,” she protested. “Even if we are identical, we don’t have to look exactly alike.”
“Yeah, right,” Kim said, unwrapping her ponytail before letting her hair fall past her shoulders. “I’m going to dye my hair and that’s final.”
“Okay, then I’ll leave my hair black.”
“I’m glad you see thin—” Kim began before hearing what her sister had said. “What?”
Gisela smiled. “I wanted at least one of us to have a new look.”
Kim huffed and then whined “How do I fall for your tricks? I don’t want to get a new look.”
Kris was impatient with the back and forth routine. “Gisela will get the new look and Kimina will stay the same.”
“Thank you,” Les said exasperated as if Kristin had solved one of the greatest problems in the world.
“Let’s get this over with” Alex pushed everyone into the bathroom the twins shared. “G., why are there two toilets in this bathroom?”
“Oh, you have the same thing. One is a toilet and the other is a bidet. You know, to clean your special area. I requested we get one when mami and daddy redecorated our bathroom. It was Kim’s idea to have the double entry.”
“It looks really good,” Eve complimented. Her family had been on vacation in Europe the previous month so this was her first time seeing the new glossy blue and white bathroom. “We are definitely coining this the getting ready bathroom when it comes to dates, parties, and dances.
The sisters looked at her with grins on their faces. “Exactly what we were thinking,” Kim told her.
Gisela brought the focus back to her hair. She was anxious to see her new look. She pulled out the hair dye box from the cabinet underneath the sink and placed it on the counter. “Let’s get to work on my hair.”
“Let me get my camera,” Kim suggested, moving quickly to her room, shouting, “I want to take before and after shots.”
“Good idea,” her sister approved. “Gotta put it my profiles!”
~G
“You look so good,” Kim said pleased and happy for her twin. A little while later, Gisela had her hair blown dry with the chestnut brown color she had chosen at the beauty store last week.
Eve looked at her best friend. “Just in time for school next week.”
“I love it,” Alex marveled.
“I love the color,” Kris added in.
Les knew girls were going to want the same look. “Some many girls are going to bite her style.”
“Thanks J.B.’s,” Gisela gratefully said happy that her friends approved her new look.
Kim took a quick shot of her sister’s new look.
“Are you guys still up the quiz?” Kristin asked when they were back in Gisela’s room.
Les yawned. “Not tonight.”
“Why not?” Eve wanted to know.
“I’m tired.”
“We can take it tomorrow before we go shopping,” Kim reminded her.
“Okay,” Eve gave in. “Bon amis.”
“Bon amis,” her friends said back. It was the french way of saying goodnight friends. As each girl climbed in either Gisela’s bed or in sleeping bags, Gisela waited for them to settle before clapping her hands twice to signal the lights to cut off.
G~
“You like?” Les asked her friends in the Beverly Center in Los Angeles, Saturday morning. She had tried on a pair of shoes and wanted them to make comments on them. She received good approval and decided to purchase them after she was done looking for other pairs to try on.
“I’m really going to miss you guys,” Kristin said louder than she intended to sound.
“What do you mean?” Gisela asked, examining a shoe rack. She had talent at finding a good pair of shoes in the least suspecting places.
“I’m moving,” She answered, looking at a pair of shoes before turning towards her friends, tears forming in her eyes.
“What? Where? When? Why? How?” Gisela demanded to know. She couldn’t help ask these questions rapidly.
“One question at a time,” Kris said, trying to stop the tears from spilling from her eyes. She asked that all her friends gather around her so she wouldn’t have to repeat herself several times. “My family is moving to New York on Wednesday. Both my parents got transferred to the same firm and we’re flying by plane and our stuff is going in trucks and on the train. Hey, what do you know, I made a rhyme.” She laughed nervously but the others didn’t join in.
Gisela shook her head no, as if trying to erase what was just said to her. “No, not you. Not our best friend, not our next door neighbor, not our girl since sixth grade. This can’t be happening.”
Kim put an arm around her twin and tried to comfort her. “But it is happening,” was all she could think of quickly. Her mind was more on whether her boyfriend knew that Kristin was leaving or not since they were cousins and if he did, why didn’t he tell her sooner.
“I know it’s happening,” she snapped and wiped her tears away with the back of her left hand. “I was just saying—but why now? Why her?” She refused to face reality.
Alex on the other hand knew they had to make the best out of the situation. She didn’t believe in mopping around when they only had a few days to be with Kristin before she left for New York. She tried to hold back the tears as she said, “we’re going to send her off in style.”
Evie nodded her head. “Yeah, you’re right.”
Leslie’s stomach began to rumble. When she received bad news, the first thing she wanted was ice cream. “Let’s start with going to Haagan Dazs.”
Kim face lit up briefly. “Sounds like a plan.”
“Ice cream lifts everyone’s spirits,” Kris said beamingly, heading for the entrance of the store.
She was especially relieved that no one had asked her when she first found out she was moving, which was at the end of their freshmen year, or else the issue of why they were told just days before she was leaving would bring on an argument. It wasn’t as if she wanted to deceive her friends in any way, it was just that she had placed in her mind that somehow, someway, her family could stay in the city she loved and not have her friends even know about the possible move.
“Wait!” Les shouted, stopping everyone in their tracks.
Alex stopped as she requested. “What?”
“I want to buy these shoes,” Les answered as if the shoes were more important than ice cream. She changed back into her flip flops.
Gisela didn’t feel like waiting. “We’ll meet you there,” Gisela yelled behind her back as she left the store with Alex, Evie, and Kristin.
“I’ll wait with cha,” Kim offered as she headed towards the cash register with Leslie.
“Thanks,” She said as she gave the cashier her money.
“I’m really gonna miss her so much,” Kim said quietly.
“Me too,” Les said sadly as she received her change and a shopping bag. “Things aren’t going to be the same.”
Kim almost didn’t bring this up but decided to just because it was Leslie. Out of all the girls that she was best friends with, she was very close to her. “A few years ago, I would’ve been glad she was leaving. “
Les didn’t have to ask why because she remembered how it was for Kim in the sixth grade. When Kristin arrived at the beginning of their sixth grade year, she became instant friends with Gisela, taking up most of Gisela’s time from her other friends, including Kim.
Kim tried not to let the jealousy she felt so long ago cloud the feelings she now had for Kristin. It had taken Gisela a few months to remember that she had other friends and a twin sister that wanted to spend time with her. It wasn’t until a big blow up between Kristin and Kimina that Kim confessed her true feelings of abandonment by Gisela that led to all the girls becoming good friends.
Kim sighed as she thought about the past. Only two people knew how much Gisela and Kristin’s friendship still affected her and that was Les and her boyfriend.
Leslie grabbed her shopping bag and wrapped her arm around Kim’s shoulders as they left the store. “Let’s hurry up before they order without us.”
“Or order for us,” Kim said, biting her lower lip, indicating the possibility that it had happened before, all thanks to Gisela.
Les remembered that time too. “I don’t want to be forced to eat fat free ice cream again.”
“Me either.”
~G
“It’s been a really crazy week,” Gisela thought out loud.
It was Tuesday, the day before Kristin was to move across the country. She was mixing some gifts into assorted bags. She had just finished her shopping for Kristin’s going away party that was planned for that night at her house.
There was a knock at her door. She instantly figured out who it was by the location of the sound. Gisela gave permission for Kim to come through their shared bathroom.
Kim peeked her head into the room before fully stepping inside. “¿Como esta?” She was wondering how her twin was holding up.
“So-so,” she mumbled, fumbling with a bow on a present, trying to keep herself busy. “I’m almost done.”
Kim put aside some of the bags and sat on her sister’s bed. “No no. I meant about Cupcakes.” She played with one of the bows of a small rectangle box that was no doubt a necklace. I wonder if I was leaving, would she put this much effort into my gifts. She was upset that she was even feeling that way.
“I guess I’ll be alright,” she mumbled again, putting a big stuffed animal into a bag. “I just want everything to be right, you know, for my girl…our girl. It’s just so sudden. I don’t know what to do with myself.”
Kim gave her a small smile in understanding. “Do you want me to help you carry this stuff downstairs?”
“Claro,” Gisela said, pulling herself up.
“Cheer up, G.,” Kim replied, having gifts in her hands. “Things will be better in the end. I promise.”
“They better,” Gisela remarked with a change of attitude. “Let’s hurry and get dressed so we can party.”
“Okay,” she agreed as they reached the bottom landing.
“Wow, this place looks beautiful,” Gisela commented as she saw the decorations of their first floor become a party area.
“It does, doesn’t it?” Kim was smiling.
“You did all this by yourself?”
“No crazy,” Kim said, waving her hands, laughing. “With help from Les, Alex, Eve, and a little help from mami.”
Gisela looked at her watch. “It’s six-thirty. We have an hour and a half to get ready.”
“Help me bring the rest of my gifts down,” Kim told her.
“Let’s hurry though, I want to get ready.”
The way her sister wanted to rush her, made Kim not want her to help. “Never mind, I’ll do it myself.” Maybe Kristin leaving won’t make me and Gisela closer.
Gisela looked at her sister carefully. “Don’t be silly. I said I would help. Come on.” She took the lead of running up the stairs with her sister close behind her.
G~
“Great party, G.” Someone called to Gisela from across the room but she couldn’t put the face and voice together so she just waved in that direction and smiled.
“I love the hat,” someone yelled.
“Thanks,” Gisela said, smiling even wider. She brushed her fingers against the tip of the fedora hat to make sure it was still in place. It was two hours after the party had started and no one had questioned her about why her hair wasn’t down as usual.
“Hello, Miss Perfect,” someone called from behind her.
Gisela rolled her eyes as she recognized the voice. It belonged to her co-captain, Marisa Diaz. She willingly turned around and plastered a fake smile on her face.
“Hello Milkshake,” she greeted airily, irritation trying not show from the nickname Marisa always called her. “Are you deaf or just retarded? I thought I made it loud and clear to you at cheerleading camp that I might look perfect in your mind, but I’m not. Nobody is perfect so get off my back.”
“Well, you know what they say about us Dominicans. We call it as we see it.”
“Not when it comes to that. I still don’t understand the fixation. Plenty of guys would say the same for you, wouldn’t they?
Marisa nodded. “Lovely dress. Where’d ya get it?”
“From a store,” Gisela answered flatly.
“And the hat?”
“What’s with all the questions?” Gisela wondered.
“I just wanted to know,” Marisa said, now with a piece of chewing gum in her mouth, smacking it very loudly.
Gisela sighed exasperatingly before coming up with a new angle to get rid of Marisa. “I feel left out because I’m not asking questions. Can I ask you something?”
Marisa straightened out her dress. “Go ahead.”
“What are you doing at Cupcake’s party?”
“What?” Marisa said shocked at this new change of attitude.
“I never invited you,” Gisela went on. “And I know my friends didn’t either.”
“Well…I—I,” Marisa stuttered, trying to find the right words. “You see…I…uh.”
“Now get outta my face before I do some real damage,” Gisela said sneeringly.
She laughed as Marisa turned around speechless and quickly left the room. Finally! She thought as she went over to her best friends and their boyfriends as they continued to spend their last night together with Kristin.
~G
As the party died down around 11:30, Gisela became aware of her friends all pairing up with their boyfriends including Kristin who was spending her last night with her boyfriend. She saw Kristin’s going away party became a couple’s only party. Gisela stood up off the couch and walked slowly towards the stairs.
I hate when parties end like this. I wish I had taken up some guy’s offer to meet me here. At least I would be happy for tonight. It occurred to her that it wasn’t always like this at parties she threw or went to. Her break up with Jeremy in July and even before there three month relationship, she always had someone. I can’t stay here and watch other girls make out with their boyfriend, that’s not my style.
Gisela went into Kim’s room and picked up the DVD of Matt Taylor’s movie from the night stand and took it into her room to watch. She changed into a pair of pajamas and turned on the air conditioner. Gisela pulled the covers back and got into bed. She clapped her hands to cut off the light and lay in a comfortable position. I wish I had a boyfriend that made me happy and loved me. She shrugged off the thought. That will never happen. At least I have Matthew Taylor to keep me company. As the movie played, she began to drift off into dream land.
Little did she know that she would be changing her tune in the upcoming weeks. Things were about to get interesting and a lot better for Gisela. All she had to do was go for the right guy.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
black_butterfly reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This 171 word review has not been unlocked.
Jacamo reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Overall the story reads well,and the main charater Gisella along with her twin and their friends have a lively discourse.This allows the story to develop and flow.There are a few grammatical disconnects ie; on page 10 “some many girls are going to bite her style” The line throws the flow off.More than just their hair, there needs to be a better physical description of the characters in play.What do they look like? How old are they? Round the characters out a bit more,to allow the readers to identify with each of them better.
- add/view comments (0)
AstridM reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
First of all: Show, don’t tell. The narrator’s job is not to give a bland rundown of the action, but to describe the action in such a way that the reader can be a part of the characters’ experiences.
Second: What story are you trying to tell? Every part of the story needs to propel the reader toward the “point” of the story. The story doesn’t seem to have any focus.
Third: Give your reader time to process! You immediately introduce at least six characters who carry on several conversations and include other characters. It’s too much! You don’t need to name every actor, ex-boyfriend, or school rival that comes along. And we don’t need to know all the girls’ last names. Similarly, we don’t need to know everything the girls say. If it doesn’t move the story along, cut it out.
Fourth: This one goes along with #3. Trim, trim, trim. Get rid of wordiness, repetition, and anything that the reader can figure out.
Example: “Gisela went into Kim’s room and…As the movie played, she began to drift off into dream land.” You’ve turned this into a slo-mo replay. Try to tighten it. “Gisela retrieved the DVD from Kim’s room. The other girls had their boyfriends, but she had Matt to keep her company. As the opening credits played, she drifted off to sleep.”
PhotoWriter reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
This writing was very original, characters named and identified well. The plot itself might warrant a little more diversity within the story, i.e., tied in, related plots associated with the central themes and characters. This story line would appeal to a youth audience of teenagers specifically. I would encourage the author to continue writing along these lines and stretching their creativity to that audience. There is very strong potential.
rsaioxkreual reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
First things first—you start off boring. That is easily the worst thing you could possibly do. The reader, in the beginning, doesn’t care about the characters or the situation. You need to make them interested, and as it stands right now, you don’t have that hook for the reader to get.
The very next thing I noticed you repeatedly doing was the tags at the end of dialog. Not only are they repetitive (She said, she exclaimed, she answered, et cetera) but they add absolutely nothing to the story. All it tells us is who is speaking. Sometimes it doesnt’ even exaplin what the person is doing. For example, when someone explains something, does their hands do anything? When yelling in anger, would a person grab at their hair and maybe smack something? This is a good place to add these in. As it is, you have none, and so the reader once again is pulled away from the characters.
Third, have you looked at how much dialog you have? It isn’t a bad thing, but just look at how it’s lined up. Look at the beginning of every paragraph and you’ll see my problem with it. 90% of your paragraphs begin with dialog. Most, in fact, only have dialog and one little tag that doesn’t exceed 4 words. It’s a boring and repetitive cycle. Try and use some other things, liven it up. Don’t follow the same pattern over and over again.
This would also be a good time to point out that the random different language will bother some people. It would probably be best if you didn’t have it. It really doesn’t fit into the story at the moment. ALso, if you’re going to have a character with a specific dialogue, then keep it constant. You don’t do that all of the time. It would be a good time to also point out that your characters have yet to make their own voices heard. I wouldn’t know who’s speaking unless it’s told to me. You want to get to the point where the reader automatically knows exactly who’s talknig and why. Maybe it’s because you started off with a group of teenage girls, but you need to work on that.
Also, you keep switching POV. One minute you’re in Lee’s, then Gisela, and it keeps going. You need to stick to one single character because otherwise it gets really connfusing for the reader. At times, it feels as though my head’s going to explode from the random changing.
Next, you seem to be laying on a lot of cliches. Boyfriends, the nicknames, the catfight at the end with the same co-captain cheerleader that’s present in waaaaay too many chick-lit stories. You need to comeup with your own ideas about that. I understand that writing things original can be hard, but you need to try the hardest you can. This is too much like so many other stories, and while those sometimes sell, you have to think about if they make you stand out in the croud of teen-lit. Right now, in my personal opinion, this doesn’t do that for me.
Now, don’t be discouraged by the things I’ve told you. Just think of it as constructive critisism. I am really rooting for you here and I do hope that you take some of my advice. You have a few good things like some of the concepts with Gisela, but you need to push those through.
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to drop me a line.
-Heather
Showing 1 - 5 of 5
Review item
Add to faves
Ratings & Rankings
