Ty, Butterfly!
Poetry / Whimsy (Analysis)
She strolled through the gate with ill gotten fate,
Her deed was askew though she knew what to do.
And her disdain showed in her eyes all so profane!
She taunted each male with a flip of her tail,
And lived as a cat will, such as she will never fail!
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Namid reviewed Version 1 -
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Lilith_Snow reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, the piece is certainly lovely. You have a good use of grammar and diction, and you know how to pull someone in. The only problem I found was in the way it flowed. Perhaps reading it out loud would help to adjust it so that the lines are more metered. The lines 5 and 7 are out of rhythm with the rest of the poem, but the piece is entertaining and very cute. Thank you for sharing!
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qsosnaspear reviewed Version 1 -
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(First of all-Too many ratings and rankings.)
The rhyme scheme wasn’t enthralling, instead a bit distracting. The third line has too many syllables, maybe one too many in the worth, and the last has too many syllables and the slant rhyme is just plain too slanted. I loved the idea, but needs better excecution. The rhymes sounded forced and not every thought in the piece really looked as though it fit, that it was just used because you needed something there.
butterflyjen01 reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nice poem. I liked the meter and vivid imagry.
j_wesley reviewed Version 1 -
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i think this poem is very quaint. nothing spectacular going on and and the rhyme scheme gives each line a da-DUM da-DUM sound that actually drowns out the imagery a little bit, so i’d consider reigning it in a little bit. i think this poem needs something to put it over the edge and make it interesting, consequently, i think your best line is actually your notes for the reviewer because i think it is a more appropriate tone for the content of the poem. with some serious revisions this poem could become something quite nice.
on another note, i’d drastically reduce the number of review criteria. i count 22. certainly some of them say the same thing and no poet wants their poem to be remembered by the number of review criteria.
Blacktigre reviewed Version 1 -
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Im sure i dont have to stress the shortness of this piece. I think you should extend it substantially. I didnt really connect with the cat cause of the brevity.
GreenIguana reviewed Version 1 -
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Cute poem.
“with ill gotten fate” not sure what this means.
“And lived as a cat will” I would put period here, then: “Such as she will never fail!” In other words make it two sentences.
Can I ask why you checked so many “ratings and rankings” criteria? They seem redundant and it certainly makes it tiresome for the reviewer.
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Version 1
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