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Poetry / An Aspiring Poet Bites the Dust (Analysis)
A somber, yet airy work is in order,
or so the mood dictates,
something bony, perhaps, skeletal,
inviting doom from more ferocious
critics of the self-indulgent art
of expressive cadence and the flesh-eating
butterflies of flowery verse.
Something manly, yet sensitive, effectively
camouflaged in avant-garde form, concealing
deeper puddles of testosterone, repression,
oppression, regression, suppression, obsession,
secession and confession. Treacherous going
in three-inch heels.
Or leather-teddy feminism, fierce, yet nurturing,
assertive, with just a hint of aggression and the
slightest suggestion of petulance. But truth will out.
“If you hate men, try a girlfriend on for size.”
But then . . .
I have no deity to praise,
no kitty to adore,
no unattainable love to immortalize,
no bloody conflict to glamorize,
no political axe to grind,
no sunrise moving me,
no sunset either,
no odes to friendship, motherhood, brotherhood,
fatherhood, sisterhood, neighborhood, Ford hood, Fort Hood
or Little Red Riding Hood,
no kinship with nature or God’s furry beasties,
no Zen enlightenment,
no reason at all for stroking the keyboard
no reason
at all.
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Valencia_Rodallec reviewed Version 1 -
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This is not half-bad considering what it is, a spoken word piece. As often is the case with spoken word, it uses words carelessly. I think that this might be your intention, since you have given it such a title, but I’m not sure, because you suddenly start talking about girls? Makes no sense, and yet this might also be your purpose. So if your purpose is to grab at words, and to confuse, then it is a success, if that is not your intention, then you have failed. Your problem doesn’t seem to be that you have no sense of poetry, it seems that you do, so honestly I think you should accompany the piece with a more explanatory note of what you want a reviewer to look at.
The first paragraph seems like an apology on your part, which you shouldn’t need.
The rest of the poem after that is really the poem.
You go on to long about the hoods, which ends up killing the effect of what should be the funny twist to little red riding hood.
I like what I think is your reference to Robert Burns in the “beasties” line.
I think you have something going on here, something modern, but it needs a bit of a brush up.
I hope that helps.
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db_metallo reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this… writing a poem about having nothing to put in poetic form… brilliant.
I especially enjoyed these lines”
inviting doom from more ferocious
critics of the self-indulgent art
of expressive cadence and the flesh-eating
butterflies of flowery verse.
Well done.
elf_asura reviewed Version 1 -
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1. I have no complaints really. You are really working at the level of craftsmanship.
2. However, I feel this is two poems or two sections of perhaps an even longer poem. That is, I feel the first poem ends just above the “But then” which seems to me to be an after thought.
3. The pace and structure shifts heavily after “but then” and that disturbs me and I feel the poem weakens after “But then”.
4. The second part in itself stands pretty strong except for the last two lines. What if it ends at keyboard?
5. I like the device of “listing” you have used in the second section. It’s pretty effective.
6. Likewise, I like the rolling phrases, images in the first three verses.
You’re good but I still want to see a second version of perhaps two poems. And if it remains a single poem, ver 2.0 will be radically different?
MrBrooks reviewed Version 1 -
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that was good i liked it. i dont have much to critcize on it and i especially like the last stanza. good job
jebozid reviewed Version 1 -
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In the first stanza only “flesh-eating butterflies” stand out, the rest makes little impression as it’s very generic.
Later i think that the repeating of -ession and even more later -hood is too much. Maybe choose just one of those.
“Treacherous going in three-inch heels” – did you mean it like “a treason is walking in three-inch heels”? I saw it that way and it was an interesting picture.
Last stanza: first 4 lines – very powerful, great writing there, you managed to say to the reader ‘I’ve got nothing’.
Last 3 lines – perfect ending, kudos for the linebreaks.
I like the style very much, maybe you should cut on the “big” words as they tend to slow the flow.
I see a lot of work here, but should be worth it at the end.
esprit_descalier reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked this – which is really something, considering that 90% of the time I can’t stand poetry. Especially free-form; for some reason it tends to get frustratingly repetitive and bogged down in obscure, lyrical tangents that are barely relevant to the central theme or actual subject of the poem.
This poem was descriptive without being redundant or inane, I thought, and descriptive though it was, managed to maintain a pleasant brevity. I thought some of the line breaks were awkward and I might have done them differently, but overall I did enjoy it. :)
penny2204 reviewed Version 1 -
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I loved the line “A somber, yet airy work…”. Overall, I liked this poem. It really was somber, yet airy. ”The truth will out”—isn’t that Shakespeare? Might have to rethink that one. I really liked the ending, “no reason at all…” Thank you
IdeeFixe09 reviewed Version 1 -
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Isn’t that just writer’s block at its best? You’ve got it, you know you do, and then slowly but surely there go the ideas one by one. Such a sad thing and that’s what I see here. Writer’s block.
It’s interesting.
bittersweetmemory reviewed Version 1 -
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this poet did not bite the dust!
a brilliant testament that a brilliant mind can create poetic prose based on a “lack of inspiration”. cast off ideas become the poem .
clever, with just enough humor to completly satisfy the reader.
craftykathy reviewed Version 1 -
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Finally, a poem that speaks directly to me! I’m almost sure my inability to compose such verse is somehow related to my inability to listen to country music.
Your movement through topics to write poems about is spot on, as is the title. Great piece.
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