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Young Adult / Untitled Chapt. 1
The sun was only just beginning to set on what seemed like the longest day in Ryan’s life. The sun’s rays continued to peak through the clouds, which moved along in the gentle breeze, as they had done for most of the day, creating the most beautiful golden haze across the countryside, the skies began to burn a warm shade of amber from over the distant hills. The deep blue of the sky above seemed to compliment the rich oranges and golds of the autumn landscape, and crispness of fallen leaves. The fields looked like they could, and very much did, go on forever. Miles and miles of emerald and jade coloured meadows, contrast to the ginger-coloured foliage of the deciduous trees lined with white picket fences, which all in a matter of months would be stripped bare and lay beneath a thick blanket of snow.
Ryan sat dazed, under the shade of a large oak tree. It was just one of the many planted in the memorial park quite a few decades before. Its leaves had fallen, been caught in the wind, and scattered below making a lovely mess among the headstones and burial plots. Ryan’s body was limp and lifeless from the day’s formalities; he stared blankly ahead at the plot of land that had become of his best friend and even briefly thought about the moment that changed his life forever. The day Ryan’s world turned upside-down. The day he learned of the events that took Luke’s life away. A part of him refused to believe Luke was actually gone, refused to consider that his best friend could be laying under six feet of dirt, and merely marked with a headstone with a name. But the facts presented themselves right in front of him; all he had to do was choose to believe them.
‘In loving Memory of Lucas A. Meyers
Much loved son of David and Carolyn.
Gone, but never forgotten.
21-04-1991
24-10-2007’
The inscription on the headstone had been something Luke’s parents had worked on, and chosen. It was simple, yet meaningful but also served as the proof Ryan chose to deny. Surely not, he thought. Two large bouquets of white carnations rested in long clear jars filled halfway with water against the headstone in front with the single flowers placed by those who attended the service, towards the middle. The hardest part, was trying to accept his friend was dead.
Dead.
Luke. Dead.
It was something Ryan couldn’t bring himself to think about. The words echoed in his head over and again, in a number of different ways, but no amount of repetition would ever make it sound right. Things like this weren’t supposed to happen to people like Luke. Luke was a good person and good people, young people weren’t supposed to die. They were supposed to go on and live long and healthy lives. Have lives worth living, finish school, make something of themselves maybe even get married and have kids, but they weren’t supposed to die. They didn’t deserve to die. Luke deserved more than that, Ryan thought. The problem was the more he thought about it, the more questions would surface. The more he’d confuse himself and grow frustrated with his current situation. They were the same questions that he continuously failed to come up with answers for and it didn’t matter how many times he tried to think of a reasonable explanation, nothing ever made any sense.
Ryan heard the doors of a car slam followed by the footsteps of two feet walking along the gravel. By this point, a rich auburn shot from the skies above and soon the sky would begin to darken. He was almost certain the person who slammed the door was someone coming to tell him to leave. As the footsteps neared, Ryan told himself he wouldn’t leave – not for anyone but just as he finished talking himself into staying, he turned his head, saw two familiar faces, and realised maybe he wouldn’t have to. Rachel and Sam; his beloved sisters were walking up the dirt path, nearing closer and closer. Rachel greeted Ryan with a supporting smile, before deciding sit beside her brother. Sam had run along into the distance, being wary not to stray too far out of sight. The two sat in silence for a minute before Rachel kindly asked how Ryan was.
Ryan shrugged his shoulders, his eyes refusing to meet with Rachel’s. “I’ve had better days,” he muttered almost to himself.
Both Rachel and Ryan had a connection to Luke; both loved him as if he were family, which made today especially hard for the both of them. Luke and Ryan had known each other for what seemed like forever. The pair had met in primary school, forced together by a friendship first made when their mothers met when the boys were in pre-school. The Meyers family often acted as a surrogate family for Ryan, when he had felt suffocated by his own. No one knew his family or family’s affairs better than Luke did, he was a source of support and distraction for and from a world, which Ryan chose to ignore. An instant bond between families was born from then on in, an unspoken reliance and dependence had fallen on the Meyers’ family, one of which they never felt burdened by, but was more something they longed to have. David and Carolyn had always dreamt of expanding the family, giving Luke much-deserved siblings, but a medical mishap made by a trusted doctor during Luke’s delivery had blown any chances of that ever happening. This is why David, Carolyn, and Luke had welcomed Ryan, Rachel, and Sam in with such open arms. The pieces of broken hopes and dreams pieced back together and seemed to fit together perfectly, just like those of a well-orchestrated jigsaw.
Ryan managed to catch a look from Rachel; the silence became increasingly loud after that. For a second his eyes darted wildly from one thing to the next; he shuffled around slightly and wondered why his sister had sat there for so long without saying anything, was she waiting for him to say something first? Usually Rachel knew exactly what to say to make situations like these seem better, but she hadn’t spoken and Ryan wasn’t sure if it was because she didn’t have anything to say at all, or if she was just waiting for something. Ryan looked at his sister playing in the leaves as most twelve-year-old kids did. Rachel looked over also; they both shared a smile while at looking at their sister so overwhelmed with the joy that the simplest things in life brought her. The silence replaced by slight laughs.
“Do you remember when we were that age?” Rachel asked,
“God, Yeah.” Ryan looked away in a hurry, as if to remind himself that he should feel bad for feeling good today, even if it were for a slight second.
Rachel leant over and touched his shoulder “Its okay” she assured him. “You can still smile, and remember good times. Don’t feel bad about that. Luke wouldn’t want you to.” She took her hand off Ryan’s shoulder unsure if she had done the right thing, by mentioning Luke’s name.
“C’mon, Sam!” She called, fervently. Sam turned around looking somewhat disappointed.
“Now?” She yelled.
“Yes, Now. It’s getting dark, we’re going soon!” Rachel wasn’t sure when they would be leaving or when Ryan would be ready to go. The three of them could be there all night.
Sam came over and stood over Ryan and Rachel. “Can we go see mum?” She asked.
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LexiLane reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the way you write about Ryan. Ryan becomes a very believable character and the reader is easily able to get a sense of who the character is and how its feeling; so many writers write one-dimensional characters and it makes it difficult to relate to the protagonist and sometimes difficult even to read the story. But you’ve got no problem is that department – you also have no problem with descriptive writing – well done.
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rsaioxkreual reviewed Version 1 -
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First off, I have to say that I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want someone to write a review here and instead send it to you. There is a rule here, that if you want to be reviewed, you must review for other people. Let’s not cut out the middle-man for this, can we?
Anyway, onto the review.
There is repetition from the first sentence into the second one. You start out with ‘the sun’. Couldn’t you find a better way to work that out. In fact, it would read a lot better if you just cut out the first sentence, and went with the second one. The first sentence does not follow up with an explanation, which is should.
Next, the second sentence is way too long. You need to cut that up—run-on sentences are not good. In fact, they’re pretty bad. You also don’t have to purple-prose it with an entire paragraph explaining the beauty of the sky and the area. There is exactly three sentences the writer as to grab the reader, and using overly-used and cliche descriptions doesn’t do that.
After that, you get into a paragraph that doesn’t really explain what’s going on. In fact, it begins kind of boring. You need to edit out a lot of the sentences and get to the important part. Luke is dead, and we want to hear more about that. Don’t make us wait for it, publishers get antsy quickly.
The next thing that I noticed was that in the paragraph after the dates of Luke’s death, you go from one topic to another. Keep, inside of a paragraph, everything constant. If you want to bring up a new idea, put a new paragraph, even if it’s one for one sentence.
The thing that bothers me the most throughout the piece is the unnecessary information dump. Tell things slowly; the first paragraph to the last one has too much of a dump about things that aren’t important, and not enough on the fact that Ryan is trying to grieve. Don’t get into family details and why Luke’s parents couldn’t have any more children, tell us the pain and aching.
Overall, I gave you a six because you’ve got a long way to go. While it’s good enough to be read and understood, that doesn’t mean that it’s good enough to be published. The idea of the story isn’t all too bad, certainly not original considering that there is only so much to read, but there is still enough time to get it good. Just remember what’s important and what isn’t. Also, the two girls at the end of the chapter were kind of confusing, just being thrown in there.
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to drop me a line.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this even though it seemed like a short story. I guess we have to keep reading to find out how Luke died and I dont have a problem with that. I kind of like all the characters even though they didn’t say much or all were in this chapter. This story from here is really unpredictable..it could be a family drama, a coming of age story,.........or even a murder mystery. I’m sure you have an idea, but just to let you know I liked reading the first chapter.
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