Poetry / Up This Life (Analysis)

I like this piece.  I like the near rhymes and the cadence.  I don’t however thing that the last line is very strong.  Perhaps, if you don’t say it first a few lines up and just have it once, it would be stronger.

I thoroughly enjoyed this peice. My only complaints are minor; 1) the use of the word shoddy, i think that’s a typical English word? Therefore this may not be a typical transatlantic poem. As Americans etc may not know of the word. My other point 2) is that given how good the poem is, i think perhaps it would have been better without as many rhyming words. I think some work well, but that without a couple of them it would have worked better. Like i said though, minor complains to what is otherwise a very impressive poem. Nice job.

You’ve written the contraction of “it is” twice without using an apostrophe.  This is a mistake.  The contraction form “it’s” is always written with an apostrophe, but the possessive form “its” is not.

You also fail to capitalize “I’m” several times when it’s not at the beginning of a line.

I like how the rhyme scheme is broken up in several key places.  It gives this poem a catchyness that does not get over-bearing, and I enjoy that.

I also really like the choice of subject matter.  Envy over material possessions is so common, and yet I never see poetry regarding it.  Good job.

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May 19, 2008

by flem3

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	50.0% (2 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
21	M	United Kingdom	April 07

Thank you, i appreciate everything you have to say. I know my grammar isn’t good but i do tend to focus alot more on what i want to write rather than how i write it. A weakness i know, thank you for your review.

May 19, 2008

by metaphoricalsimile

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
767	87.6% (474 votes)	46.7%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
30	M	Portland, OR	September 29

You’re welcome.

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Nice play on words and intelligent, clever rhyme.  Your sense of humor comes through above a depressing topic.  That’s poetry.  One small thing on the fact finder’s parade, fish don’t get thirsty, the image off this line is a little awkward for an otherwise nice level of diction throughout.  The success of this piece is that you trained the reader to accept the last line and that line is not only unique but multi leveled.  Good work.

I would say this is good.  I would have said great, but I thin you struggled a little too hard trying to make everything rhyme.  In this kind of pooetry rhyming really is not necessary.  Your structure is excellent, and well balanced.  Your idea is great.  Let the idea itself flow freely and don’t worry about the rhyme.  Free verse can be very effective and I think this poem would pop if you rewrote it saying what is in your soul without having to dig around for word that rhyme.  I did give you an 6 because over all I liked what you have to say.  I think you are a true poet.  You just need to let yourself go.