Poetry / Love of a Lotus (Analysis)

The arrow of love has pierced my soul, Steadily seeping poison from it’s passionate tip deep down into the marrow of my desire;

Allowing the venom that is obsession to creep into my heart, Infesting my emotions, Clouding my judgment, eluding my senses, A puppeteer of synapses, Losing my path due to lust;

Loosely losing control of limber limbs, Allowing hands to roam wondrously, Caressing the flowers petals, tasting its intoxicating nectar, Roaming eyes gazing on bountiful hills;

Slowly waking from soothing slumber, Surely a surreal surprise, White lotus tainted with taboo, Onyx splotches of opium expand as desire blossoms, Soon to cease is the diminishing hope, Drowning in the tar of deception;

Yet still this lotus cries to me, A calling of ultimate passion, Sitting in a garden of romance, Tending to this forbidden lust, Lost in the tranquil night, Listening only to the voices of love, Longing to rescue it from the gardener, Which neglects its very presence;

How I wish to caress her beauty, Smooth legs to luscious lips, Following the path of my warm breath, Gently trickling along with attentive fingers, Erotically playing to the utters of joy, Gazing wantingly into her eyes, ‘Allow me to be your distraction’, I whisper as she shivers, Releasing her energy onto the stars;

Whispered ideas of love and life, Float seamlessly into the velvet sky, As the pain of knowing she is unattainable echoes everlasting, How I cherish these subtle silent moments of solitude, Holding her against my soul, Running trembling fingers through lacy hair, As she listens to my placid beat, I inhale every sigh she releases, As to keep some part of her closer to my heart;

Silently I pray to the Lord, Let this last forever, Laughing loudly while laying in the dew ridden grass, Bathed in a haze of light, Falling gently from the glowing moon, Softly landing on her naked body, Highlighting her beautiful curves, Sweat glistening, Daring the stars to diminish this sleeping angel, Whose head lays upon my chest, Slowly I kiss her forehead, Knowing the prayer will not be answered;

Fiery red rests upon my eyelids, Cautiously I open them, Only to meet the breaking dawn, Gazing at my palms with the phantom feeling of the seductive night before, Her skin seared into my own, Her scent embedded in my nostrils, Her face branded into my vision, Her lips laced across mine, Oh how I long to stare back into her eyes;

I slowly stand upon weakened legs, My head buzzing with reminiscence of the beguiling night, How it pains me to be alone, Bending down I collect my garments, Soaked in the essence of passion, Collected from the blades on which they rested, Soon I find the singular prints of a weary heart, Smiling I stroll down my self-trodden path, Pausing only to look back on our ghostly silhouettes imprinted in the ground, Knowing that at night her lips are mine.

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goofygoober168 avatar General Stranger

June 20, 2008

goofygoober168 Prolific-icon-medium

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goofygoober168 reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

Love your word choice/usage…you’ve created quite an ambiance here.

At first it read a bit like prose, but as I got into it a bit further, poetic elements surfaced. Kudos.

plecogeek avatar General Stranger

May 29, 2008

plecogeek

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plecogeek reviewed Version 2 - Read 50% of the Item

Hi there,

I really wanted to enjoy your work, after reading such doldrums prior. However, I must say:

Any time you start a poem with, “The arrow of love has pierced my soul”, the poem sounds like a parody if itself. I know you don’t feel this way, so I would recommend changing the first line.

My other comments relate to your general application of “whispered ideas of love and life”. I recommend you be specific – how do you feel in specific. Colors. Noises. Touch feelings?

Your poetry flows well, and has nice meter. I recommend to take this poem to be more specific of who you are, and how you feel.

Take care,
Tom

computergagne avatar General Stranger

May 28, 2008

computergagne

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computergagne reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

I love the imagery used in the beginning with the poison.  There is an awesome use of vocabulary here as well

dolphine32781 avatar General Stranger

May 15, 2008

dolphine32781

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dolphine32781 reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

I really don’t see this as poetry but more of a creative piece in general.  I loved it though.  Reminded me of a paranormal romance almost, just from the words you’ve chosen.

Teehka avatar General Stranger

May 15, 2008

Teehka

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Teehka reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

I have a love of prose poetry, but I’m reading this wondering if you intended this to be prose or if you have extrodinarily long line breaks. If you did not intend for this to be prose, then my suggestion to you is to make the line breaks shorter so that you can control where the line will break rather than the web browser I’m using.

Another thing is the punctuation. I don’t know if you intended to seperate everything by commas because I really didn’t find any significance in that. If you’re going to mess with grammar for a poem, then there needs to be some visible significance to the reader.

I found certain images to be a little hackneyed as well like “Releasing her energy onto the stars” and ” bountiful hills”.

Is this a work of autoeroticism?

martinw avatar General Stranger

May 15, 2008

martinw

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martinw reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

You really took me into this world, eloquent descriptions, i shall never look out into my garden in the same way.

Good piece.

dark_ink avatar General Stranger

May 14, 2008

dark_ink

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dark_ink reviewed Version 2 - Read 50% of the Item

I Love Poems That Take Over One’s Mind Painting The Picture As You Read On…Not Only Is It A Very Visual Poem But The Subject Made It Even Better…

spincycletexas avatar General Friend

May 14, 2008

spincycletexas

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spincycletexas reviewed Version 2 - Read 50% of the Item

I love it!  I’m very picky about poetry, but this one is somewhat musical. It has a good rythm.  A good poem reaches the reader’s emotions and this one does.

jalubcarrey avatar General Stranger

May 14, 2008

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jalubcarrey reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

Does Urbis screw with the format when you post?  It seems that you’ve capitalized words that are the beginning of sentences, but which show up in the middle of the stanza.  Maybe I’m confused, but the capital letters  after a comma, in the middle of nowhere, seems odd.  

“flowers petals” should be “flower’s petals” (ownership).

The spacial representation of the words, the place, is all over.  I feel the poem is trippy, disjointed, and all over the place.  When I hear Lotus I think of Buddhism, of flowers, and that in and of itself is fairly “far out”, so I guess I should expect some confusing abstractions.  But then the obsession with things lasting forever takes it out of a Buddhist context as Buddhists don’t believe in permanence.  This goes from Buddhist abstraction to physical attraction, into obsession with impermanent things.

What does this allude to? “Slowly waking from soothing slumber, Surely a surreal surprise, White lotus tainted with taboo, Onyx splotches of opium expand as desire blossoms, Soon to cease is the diminishing hope, Drowning in the tar of deception;”

Poetry will mean nothing to other people if it can’t be put into a context they understand.  I read this poem as a study in obsession over a woman and a sexual encounter cloaked in spiritual symbolism.  For that it’s very useful.  But the rhythm is a little clucky and it seems to lack structure.  Pay special attention to grammar, placement of apostrophes, commas, semi-colons and rhythm to contain your intent within a reasonable form.  

As a practice in free-writing it’s fine.   There are a lot of cliches, or often used expressions (beautiful curves, phantom feeling, weary heart, sweat glistening), try to break these up into something new if you can still retain your meaning.

imara219 avatar General Stranger

May 14, 2008

imara219 Prolific-icon-medium

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imara219 reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

I love that your poems have a level of maturity in them, especially this one. The reader has to be attentive to apperciate your work. In this piece the longer sentences aren’t as much of a problem but the formatting would flow better if you shorter lines for your stanzas. I think the descriptions and imagery were strong so you do entice the reader.

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Beer_and_Poetry

Age: 22
Loc: Saint Petersburg, FL
Gen: M
Last Login: December 04
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