Poetry / "The Question" (Analysis)

I’m a little confused about the structure. Did you intend this to be a prose poem, or are the commas meant to stand in for conventional line breaks? It’s not BAD, but I do find the approach unusual and thus a little distracting. There are so few full stops, as well, and so many alliterative phrases, that the whole piece kind of blurs together for me. I find myself getting lost in the words, and more specifically, in the sounds of the words. On the other hand, I do like the way the poem rockets towards its conclusion; it makes the speaker’s determination seem more real. Over all, though, I don’t think your vision would suffer terribly if you were to break this up on the page and/or end-stop a few more lines.
I also feel like you need to pare down your adjectives. I know you’ve got this great thing going with lots of cool alliteration, but it feels a little excessive at times. More words does not necessarily = better. Sometimes one word that means exactly the thing you want it to mean is better than all the ones that come close. The other thing about a lot of adjectives is that they tell rather than show. You TELL me that you have an “enigmatic mind,” but I have no idea what makes you enigmatic. You can demonstrate your mysterious nature through example better than you can say it with that word.
I do really enjoy the almost manic, super-positive conclusion. It’s kind of touching that the speaker is consciously admitting their own denial and embracing it anyway. I feel like the windup to the conclusion is a little overdone, and needs some reigning in and proofreading. It seems like a really exuberant first draft that needs to be turned into a dour old second draft.
Thanks for the read.

My first ten of the night, I think only my second or third 10 ever. I was very impressed, and my experience as both an author and a teacher have turned me into quite the critic. Usually I find that when writers/poets put in almost any kind of effort into the pattern of their rhyme, or in your case, the constant flow if alliteration that it takes away from the overall underlying beauty of the work itself. Not in this case. I can tell that you took careful consideration with your choice of words, and where they lie and how they’re read. I read this poem/short story twice because I was worried i might have missed something. My favorite passages were:
“It leaves me to ponder, What is life worth living if we don’t warrant delicate wants and dangerous attractions, Why imprison ourselves with copious quandaries without regard to the copacetic possibilities, I will no longer obscure my vision nor dull my discernment, I must allow myself to walk freely into the horizon of unknown territory;”
AND
“to proceed down a perplexed path, Peering passively beyond the walls of doubt, Not knowing the outcome nor the firmness of the future, Armed only with faith and love, I tread a trail trusting in my heart, Believing in my soul, Knowing in my mind that if we were meant to love or not to love, I shall confidently neglect the latter of the two.”
I look forward to reading more. and i would be honored if you took a look at my work, some of which already published. www.zolirozen.com (a consequence of ordinary)
all best,
zoli rozen

it is dense reading in the best of ways.
i thought of the best classics such as Thoreau. i had to read this piece more than once to grasp its full meaning, in any other text this should spell disaster, with the exception of something as deep rooted as this. there is not a whole lot that can be critiqued when a expression feels like it has been lifted directly from the mind, yet maybe a longer version can be used to describe the compact thoughts presented here.

this is beautifully written. a moment of clarity found in bliss. powerful.
promising premise of perpetual passion;(brilliant!)

after 5 reads the only thing i can find to “critique” is a sp. error.

phantom (seems),/seams?

• add/view comments (1)

May 28, 2008

by Beer_and_Poetry

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	88.6% (44 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
22	M	Saint Petersburg, FL	September 08

Thank you for your kind words. I am glad you enjoyed it.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

There are some very good lines here, such as “To risk losing a piece of myself if the bonds of trust fail to support the weight of time”
I find the continual alliteration distracting.  The parts of this piece that I like better mostly lack alliteration.  But I do like “I have shed the shell of solemn sureness” and “Landing loudly on the edge of love, Swaying steadily”  You could use alliteration a little less, and then the better parts would stand out more.
Altogether, I think you have something interesting here.

“A single moment in time eclipsed by the shadow of doubt, A gray blanket draped over exulting feelings of love, Hazy covering which diminishes a once brilliant spirit, Allowing minute rays of hope to crawl out of moth holes in its melancholy fibers;”

—I like how the poem begins. It’s an unusual structure. More like paragraphs than stanzas. It seems to work well, though. Watch your punctuation – don’t be afraid to use periods or semi-colons or colons within the paragraph-stanza. It might make it easier to read or to connect thoughts. I’m sensing superfluous commas.

“phantom seems”

—I don’t know if you mean seems, as in something seems to be something or seams, like the edge of a garment.

“Spewing forth a surge of sensuous emotion,”

—Spewing does not equal sensuous. You probably want a different word here. Spewing has a negative connotation.

“decant desires”

—Do you mean decadent desires?

“Awakening a crepuscular curious craving of carnivorous capacity for life”

—This line makes it seem like you’re trying too hard.

Overall, it’s a good poem. But the poem, in my mind, lacks definite structure. You like alliteration but don’t use it consistently or it seems forced. My favorite parts of the poem aren’t those with alliteration.

Also the strength of the opening stanza doesn’t carry through the poem. You might have -two- poems here, as I sort of get the sense of conflicting form and idea at times. I’ve done that often myself, written something and realized I needed to separate bits into two individual entities.

Word choice is important. But when you use a lot of words, you run the risk of being cliche or trite or forced.

I really like this and think it has a lot of potential. But I feel you can rework parts of it to really, really make it shine.

• add/view comments (2)

May 15, 2008

by Beer_and_Poetry

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	88.6% (44 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
22	M	Saint Petersburg, FL	September 08

This is probably the most constructive review I have received. Thank you for you help and please review my work any time.

May 15, 2008

by drowsingmuse

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1	94.7% (19 votes)	20.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
31	F	Kalamazoo, MI	June 19

You are very welcome!

I try to review your stuff the way I’d review my own. Obviously, I’d want my own stuff to be the best it can!

I’ll keep an eye on your things, for sure.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

Congratulations on an interesting piece. Normally, you know, one keeps alliteration to a digestible level… it flashes by almost unseen. And then there is alliteration for the sake of it… like it is the only tool in the poets toolbox. And then there is your piece. I feel like behind your playful and athletic and enigmatic writing voice there lies a very very good poet with something to say. Be very careful when you stretch the readers vocabulary that you get every word absolutely correct. I would have thought that “to discover decant desires and dusty dreams” should have been “decadent” but then, when I think about it, I actually PREFER “decant” in the context of your poem although it should be perhaps “decanted” or “decanting”?
Also, when the alliterative momentum starts to slow your writing becomes a little cumbersome and perhaps self-conscious… which is something you would do well to be on guard for. I really think you got something with this style…but I would strongly recommend shaving the excesses back considerably because in that way the real core of the piece has a better chance of emerging in a more direct and powerful way for the reader.
Oh… and I think the last stanza should be the opener for the piece. Cheers and good luck.

It was a tad bit confusing to me.
Although its love,
It seemed it had bits in it I could not understand at all.
But it was overall very good.
Kudos.

I Like How Visual This Poem Is And Becomes As One Keeps Reading…Awsome Poem

very powerful. very descriptive detailed use of adjectives to paint the picture.