stark is good, thank you.
Poetry / Quite A Trip (Analysis)
It was something
Beautiful
Making its way
Between the shadow
And light
Reaching out to hold
An opportunity
Divided by the alabaster
And momentum
Following the turn
Of the sun
With each rising and
Falling tide
Changing in the sea
What could not keep
A vestige
Of the faults
Below the deep
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
dukelemoyne reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Punctuation not necessary. The lines dictate the rhythm. The odd-numbered lines feel like waves building, the even lines the waves crashing. The coda (the last threee lines) drum to a perfect close (da-dum, da-da-dum, da-da-dum). Nice.
My only nit to pick is the word “beautiful” which is vague, presenting no clear image. It negates the first two lines. You could start with the third line and not affect the integrity of the poem, I think.
Good work. Thanks for the read.
- add/view comments (0)
HipStar reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Your words are absolutely beautiful!
The imagery is amazing, and your words make the image even more amazing!
gmemi reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Nice and precise. The vestiged faults were clearly understood. The mood of the poem is stark, but not distractingly so. Good job.
derekosborne reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Nice revision. I read the first draft. The level of diction is fine for any average reader. Don’t these frickin’ kids use dictionaries any more? Concerning punctuation, I think it’s a feather in your cap not to need any. I also get that alot on this site. My understanding of free verse is the diction and syllable count dictate pace and, therefor, no need for punctuation unless you sepcifically want to suggest a breath.
dolphine32781 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
This poem is very moving. The imagery sets it up of being on the beach at night and watching the effects. I picture the vestige of faults as how exactly we feel about ourselves underneath the surface. Basically how we show face.
nails29 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
“Divided by the alabaster”, that sounds like the start of a poem. opening the poem with “something” didn’t work. give that something a name, or describe its beauty without naming it. the poem has a nice cadence to it, but cadence is easily disrupted by too many images.
daphnedapple reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Wow incredible deep and beautiful poem!
Beer_and_Poetry reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I enjoy this one a little more. I appreciate the way you take this…something and delicately choose how to describe it. It is indeed a journey that takes my mind through night and day. Around mountain bends and deep into unknown waters. I like how this poem allows me to escape with the narrator. To be a companion on the highway of life. Thank you for allowing me to be in your passenger seat.
Jimmykoksferhans reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
This poem to me just seems incredibly great. You may have tapped into my secret mind to discover exactly what it is that I like about poems, then make one up that fits the exact specs. I just love it. I reviewed a poem this very evening that was similar in style to this one, which I loved just as much as this one. I only hope that you are not the same writer, as it gives me hope that there are multiple poets this good out there.
If I actually had to suggest something to you, dear reader, it would be that you write something every single day—in 5 years you’ll be astounded at the miracle of what you’ve created.
Lovejonz reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Nice, I like your flow. Its got rhythm. You made your subject clear enough to
comprehend and imagine for myself. It’s the start of practice which I am
certain you will develop.
Showing 1 - 10 of 17
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Item Stats
GENERAL
10 Reviews 6 Comments
Version 2
Latest Activity: 4 days ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 14 Times
Skipped: 4 Times
Ratings & Rankings
Versions
| Version 2 |
| Version 1 |