No this piece was written during a time when I was in pain and no one gave me any kindness when I needed a break, I was supposed to be superman, even if I was sick and in immense physical pain…. not an attention thing just a kindness (or lack thereof) thing…
Poetry / Anguish
I awoke this morning hating myself, berating myself for getting this way. I come in the morning and try to help out, all anyone ever does is shout. I look into the crowd and what do I see, everyone always just looking down on me. I keep staring down the pathway into the light never able to reach what is just in my sight. Running and screaming I feel my heart beat, the anguish I sense is searing with heat. I just love how people don’t care what you do, how you’re always wrong and never right, all they want to do is continuously fight. I’m done with it I’m over the pain, now I just need to escape this anguish and rain.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
bittersweetmemory reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
i didn’t give high marks, because this is still very ‘raw”. it has potential, keep working on this.
watch these things: clarity, structure, intent, consistency of style
some suggestions:
I awoke this morning/i woke up this morning (to keep with the relaxed style)
just in my sight./just within my..
is searing/is seared
this anguish and rain/find a substitute for anguish, used earlier
- add/view comments (2)
nails29 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
its clear the subject is angst and self loathing. its very general in a struggle between the narrator and a crowd. it would help to define what the struggle is. the only thing i can grasp from this is the narrator is looking for attention and no one is giving it to them.
brianna319 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
The poem is interesting, to say the least. Your format would be better suited to a flash fiction or short story, though. Try making it look a little more like a typical poem and it may clear up some parts of it that are hard to understand the way you are reading it here.
youngjed reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
i’m sorry i could not see any difference between prose and peotry here. you should consider putting some form to this and also the imagery you use – can it be rendered a bit more complex?
Beer_and_Poetry reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Did you mean to put a coma in between light and never? Overall this poem is rather plain. I enjoyed the emotions expressed throughout its entirety. I could ascertain and bring up a certain emotion it stirred in me. I enjoy that in a poem. It kind of feels like the rhyming was forced or perhaps rushed along. Maybe I am just too picky right?
Other than that it was a good read. Easy to follow easy to understand. The reader could gather the information given without getting lost in needless words. It’s always a good thing to be able to carve a path for the reader. It allows your poem to retain it’s meaning. Good job and I can not wait to read more of your work.
PrettyHateMachine reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Youve obviously done a good job describing what youre feeling because I immediately got the “been there” feeling when I read it. You paired words together that were a little out of the ordinary, and I like that. My only suggestion would be to count the syllables in your head when you read it to yourself,and make sure it all flows in good time.
goofygoober168 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Where’d your formatting go? It’s a big part of poetry…the flow, the feel…try making it off center and not matching up the lines:
I awoke this morning
hating myself,
berating myself
for getting this way.
I come in the morning
and try to help out,
all anyone ever does is shout.
I look into the crowd
and
what do I see,
See what I mean? Totally different. Make me work for it. Besides, that lumpy paragraph reads more like flowery prose than a poem. That’s what the line breaks (pauses) are for.
Lovejonz reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Wow, this sounds so depressing. Sounds like the words of a very young
writer who has faced many a disappointment. It is not artistic just very
depressing and lacks experience.
AVRP reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Very nice, however this would look and read a lot better if you staggered it, one line per line, so to speak, in a more ‘poem’ structure. It will look nicer and be easier to read, and the rhyming will stand out more.
Very good though. Keep it up!
CanadianWildRose reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I am not a pro so please bare with me. I liked this poem, it was up-beat for a sad feeling. Was the last word rain or should it have been pain? Does this website not put the poems in stanza’s? I feel this beautiful poem would be much stronger if it were in stanzas, only as it would give the poem some organization and perspective, other wise, I am looking forward to reading poetry by this poet. Kudos to you!!!
Showing 1 - 10 of 12
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
12 Reviews 12 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 6 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 124 Times
Skipped: 9 Times
Ratings & Rankings
