Thanks for the input, trying to wrap my head around it and keep the world in tact with the characters, but useful in its own way.
Gavion E. Chandler
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Maje' (Analysis)
Maje’
By
Gavion E. Chandler
“
Chapter One
µ
“Ah see you have wakened. Good… oh you haven’t truly accepted. It takes a bit of faith. No you’re not going mad… well you’re not mad as any other CC that governs ‘Aspects’. I’m sorry ‘CC’ Carnal Consciousness, human aspects of reality, the principle force of conscious reality. That’s you.”
A slight chuckle echoing in some deep whisper of consciousness of your mind.
“Oh please don’t think me rude, please I meant no offense, just remembering, ‘We’ Nodes, neurological operating demi-entities, or CEI as the Corp States know us the ‘Conscious Entity Intelligence” or just Dream Nodes. The CC that know us to be, few and far between, we call the “Dreamers” You’re not there yet. You are only aware of ‘Us’ and me. Maje’. I managed to become what you call famous, but attention is one thing you really don’t want here in Neudaria worlds of Mindscapes and Dream-worlds thread-bound in conscious realities that exist beyond a thought or within it. That is often debated here in Neudaria and our worlds… well there not really our worlds, they’re yours.
“That itching sensation between the crest of your nose and brow, that’s me ‘digging’, trying to help you along. ‘Dreamers’ call the ‘Third eye’ a Conscience Sensory where things unseen, are detected. We call it the Auger, or the Seed point’ But where to begin. Perhaps in my tale you might understand clearer. My Opt… of course let her tell you! So simple, but it is never really that simple.
µ
“My father remembered fondly simpler times, when there was time to take in those quiet pleasures. I don’t remember much of those days. Everything is faster, and immediate. Our technological knowledge and applications seem to outgrow us, and soon the industries consumed our humanity. Now we live in a world where the Corporations govern the State, even though the State would be the identity of the People, where ‘we’ are to be represented in the voice of the Councils, but in truth the people’s voice is not heard there, and they are subject to the Corp Mongrels, who would manipulate in their polite suggestions that are so polite, as to what the standards and expectations should and shouldn’t be.”
“Just starting this journal. Breaking it in. You won’t find any poetic antidotes, no gentle words of remorse… too late to regret. Just have to go on, keeping eye on the unseen horizon of your own existence. Don’t know when it all going to come to dead stop. First Mum, now Dad… I’ll get the bastards for this one way or another.
“The year is 3578 and the human population expanded, rather exploded exponentially stretching across the systems, where a few earth like worlds were found known as Sential Planet, while synthetic worlds or Orbs were created. In the human expansion, we in our rapturous, ravaging and consumptuous nature have devoured most of the world’s natural resources, but man being a devil mad with his own invention, manages to survive his own hells, creating new hells to live in.”
“But the things that men create, no one can really ever begin to imagine… yet it is the very essence of our worlds that we come to live in. Those that we see and know to be within the realms of our senses, then there are those that exist beyond the ‘Veil’ where we linger in memories… in thoughts born in apparitions, reflected simply in possibilities and improbabilities, that mathematical formula that equates all too often to Human kind and our persistent existence… gotta love it. What we dream we dread, and what we often fear, we in time grow to become.”
“We humans often think we have a fix on things, on how the world and its in natural laws functions. We even tempt to reason out God and the spirit worlds that we come to dream up in our ability to think out and reason to be… as mad as that may sound. We do it, proclaiming ultimate truisms, sounding our religions into the world.”
“But there are worlds beyond the ‘Veil’, we know it to be true. CEI Conscious Entity Intelligence that have come be known as Dream Nodes. Dad or Mum knew ‘They’ functioned, existed within our ability to reason and dream. They often regard ‘Us’ as CC, Carbon Consciousness or CBU Carbon Based Units, and sometimes slurred as Fleshlings by those that exist beyond the ‘Veil’ ‘They’ the CEI dwell within and on the other side of our consciousness. It gets too complicated to explain. Like God, ‘they’ are, explainable within reason, except for the fact that it is not a matter of faith, rather it has become a matter of science, and unfortunately the Corp Mongrels have learned of them, and have invested much of their technological investments into to gain the upper hand in the State and industry. It was bad enough, with them controlling the Councils, dictating with promises of their capability to control the economical practices and influencing political policies with contributions. In time our world will come into focus. But it is a world of technology and wonder, and the natural world, like trees, fields and hills have long been lost to man’s own ambition to build and build and build. Where anything is grown, are our Plantations where Tree Harvests produce the necessary oxygen to maintain the ceiling. The skyline is protected by the Shield that prevents us from being burnt up and we have Sister Orbs, other planets where synthetic habitation has been developed. But too late to go back.”
“Com’ on Ree, don’t like the fact that you talked me into doing this high-balled game. Too damn risky if you ask me, especially after your father and all.”
Quietly closing her journal, and pressing her hand against its leather bound cover. “Give me a moment, will you Jasz?” As she tried to gather her thoughts and her cool. “Know I’m asking allot…”
“Damn straight Ree, takin’ my skid into the Tubes is dangerous enough, but tempt our fates with tappin’ the Chapel’s resources.”
“Have to get answers Jasz, and it’s the only way I know how to do it.”
“Ree, you creep me out a times, the way write in that journal of yours, like you’re talkin’ to someone who ain’t there. It’s creepy really it is, It’s not like you’re gonna share it with anyone.”
Drumming her thin fingers against the journal, “Jasz,” She muttered in muffled grown of displeasure, as she peered up through her auburn curls, her green crystal sharp eyes fixed on the ‘Cutter’, “you haven’t been poking around in my journal have you?” She put to him as more of demand than a question.
Jasz stretching out like a cat pressing huge hand against the metal molding as lanky build yawned as his spine cracked in rifling sharp snaps. “Com’ on Ree, you know me better than that. Read your journal, don’t have a death wish. Besides,” he said with a crooked smile and he looked at her through his greasy ash black hair. “Don’t have too.” He chuckled as his slate blue eyes glinted with a bit of mischief, “you mutter your thoughts when you write. Can’t help but to listen, just in case you put something down in it about me. Don’t want you incriminating me. Not like I’d get me into any shenanigans.”
Rolling her eyes, in a twisted grin,“Oh no Jasz, you’re an angel for sure.” She mockingly scolded.
“Yep I am. Your angel.” Jasz said giving himself another stretch.
Renee gave her friend a chuckle as she watched him. If there were past lives, she’d imagined him to be a Siamese Cat in one life time or another. His body build was diametrically opposed short and lanky and huge hands with long nimble fingers, ears of an elf, and agile, quick and strong. But her ‘Cutter’ friend was loyal to the death, just like a Siamese.
Cutters were useful folk to know. They know how to drive, and cut into secured systems computer or physical fortifications and they can bypass any lock mechanical or electrical. Doesn’t matter, if there’s not suppose to be a way in, they’ll find a way. Corp Mongrels just love Cutters to death, literally to Death.
“So why do you talk like someone’s out there listening?”
Chuckling at her oddity of a friend, but then again what’s normal anymore. “Just helps me think things out, that’s all Jasz. Trying to make sense of all this shit.”
“Right.” Jasz scoffed in a cough, “What ever you say Ree. But normal folk, they just write ‘Dear Diary, not in the first person. It’s not like you’re talkin’ to anyone there, or like someone’s listenin’.”
Her tone dry and drone, “Someone’s always listening. Someone’s always watching. Jasz, you know it and I know it. Hell everybody knows, but no one wants to do anything about it.”
Pressing his hand against the air, “Yeah, yeah, I know. But we do what we can, don’t we Ree? Please don’t start your rant, don’t have the ear for it right now.”
“Yes we do.” She smiled back at him, as she began to back up her stuff.
Jasz just watch her as she moved around with a cat’s grace and sure footed midst the debree of her pod, a little iron cell of apartment catacombed in complex where humanoids are stacked like ants.
There was nothing fancy about her, but she was pleasantly pretty, her thick auburn curls, and pleasant complexion where green eyes that burned with life and all its furies.
Throwing flight jacket over her loose fitting white blouse and stashing odds ends of things into the pockets of her tan cargo pant that were neatly tucked into her combat boots. “One last thing.” Renee commented, strapping her ion blaster her side and slipping her ion dagger into its sheath.
“You know, if you’re going to be hanging around the Rift, why you would want to when you could be living in home quarters in the Sanctum, I’ll never know. You might want to dress down a bit. You really stick out.”
“What, doesn’t mean I have to let my clothes go to your state Jasz.” She jabbed, pointing out his dress. His worn camouflage pants, torn black T-shirt and weather worn leather jacket and black cap with a cracked skull, always turned backward. “You suggesting I take up Blaze’s fashion statement?”
“Do that, and I’ll have to slap you! No just saying still look too pretty to be a ‘Rifter’ that’s all.”
“Why thank you Jasz, think that was a compliment. But Blaze, she’s pretty, just won’t let herself be pretty that’s all.”
“No, the girl’s half mad and plain unpredictable.” Jasz said with a half laugh. “Know you took her in like a sister…”
Renee shot him a look. “Just like I took you in Jasz, if it weren’t for me…”
“And just like we took you in. It’s mutual curiosity I guess we ended up in cahoots together, besides, I’d be in my own mix of trouble, but your mix is like a Molotov Cocktail in a warehouse of absinthe. Speaking of which.” He said, popping a tin out of his vest pocket and taking a quick swig. “Something to warm the blood.”
“First Jasz, you never complain. Secondly, you like the ride. You get bored too easily. Until I came along, your endeavors were less than noticeable. Now you’re a legend; in your own mind perhaps, but a legend none the less.”
Grinning ear to ear as his puckish dimples winked. “Yet can’t complain, been one hell of a ride since you came along. Problem with Rifters, they got no imagination when it comes to trouble. Bunch rebels with squabbling with banters of causes that’s nothin’ more rivalry bitchery.” Jasz slicking his hair from his eyes, “Blaze ain’t coming is she?”
“No, is sneaky only when she wants to be, and doesn’t stay to the pack. The girl has no fear, and no inhibition what’s so ever.” Renee sighed. “She could be pretty if she wanted to… but maybe.”
“Yeah right, you keep dreaming Ree. She’s mad a rabid dog. She’s been down in the Street Farm too long. She know’s only how to survive, and she does that well enough for both of us. She’s one of the Lost Ones, and there’s little that you and I can do about it. But she quick and brutal. Hopefully we don’t run into Ropers.”
Jasz huffed impatiently.
Renee giving the eye, “What Jasz, what’s your bitch now?”
“It’s nothin’, just wondering why we don’t take you Cruiser rather than my skid. You got clearance to get us in. Don’t know why we have to chance the Tubes, Ropers and Sentry Systems to bypass.”
“Com’ on Jasz, thought you were up for this, besides adds a little spice to life. Besides if we use my Cruiser they’ll know that I’m in, and then I have to go through the hassle to get you a voucher, and explain why you are there, and that’ll definitely raise Bishop’s radar, and that’s the last thing I want, especially since last time.” Gritting her teeth, as her knuckles knotted into a white fist. “He and his witch hunt. First Mum, and then Dad. I’ll get my dues, but first have to know why.” She swore, half muttering underneath her breath.
“Just keep your head about you Ree. If you chance upon that Devil run, or get a shot and hope like hell you take him out. But best way to take him out, is not let anyone know that you did it. If they mark you, they’ll hunt to the end of the world and beyond.” Jasz scratching his head, “So, is your friend around?”
Giving him a wink that glinted with devilish gleam as she innocently played with an auburn curled and smiled at him angelically, “Yeah, he’s near the surface, but doesn’t want to emerge yet. But he’ll be there when we need him.” Her smile deepening.
“That’s really creepy you know that Ree. Don’t know if you’re half out of your brain, and just plain witched when you do that thing, lookin’ like some angelic devil. They’d picked the wrong girl to play ball with.”
“Tell me about it.” Renee said, her voice firm with determination as she pressed the palm patch, opening the hatch.”
A rush of steam mixed with oxide and musk filled her senses as she stepped out onto catwalk that edged the open space, laced with gang planks and stairs that interlocked levels of Tent Pod Units. Glancing over the rail, towards the Bizarre where panners locals who sold goods and wares that they could scrounge up and then there were the scammers who in the middle of the mayhem offered other services. Either they were profiteers or vessels who served their unspoken master.
Looking back at Jasz, “You ready to do this?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be.” Jasz huffed.
“Have faith Jasz, have faith. When have I…”
“Think we’ve been through this Ree, but let me count the ways. Do you know how much shit you got us into? I do enough ‘Scimming’, but you girl might as well purchase a credit passport. The ‘Phazers’ do it for pleasures and intellectual highs, you girl, you are just plain…”
“Dangerous?” Renee threw back at him as she started down the iron rod stairs.
“I was goin’ for stupid, but I’ll be nice and say reckless, if that makes you feel any better.” Stopping slowly drawing her towards him, as concern sounded in words. “Ree, know you lost allot, but you won’t bring any justice to your Dad or your Mum, if you end dead or in a Slam. You’re tough Ree, but not that tough.”
“Have to be Jasz, just have to be.” Patting his hand, “But I have you with me to make sure I stay out of trouble, right?”
“By bringing me right into the middle of it.”
“But you handle it so well Jasz. Come on we don’t time to waste.”
“Okay.” Jasz huffed as he raced after.
Ñ
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richardlynn51 reviewed Version 1 -
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You have a good grasp of dialogue. At first I found it too philosophical. I got bogged down and almost quit reading.Grab the reader at the first with dialogue. Set the stage and maybe ask some questions..or a telephone warning from a stranger or guard…or a letter from a friend asking for help..intrigue me, the reader to “have” to read more.The idea that the corps. control everything is a current fact…so maybe go with implanted micro chips…etc..good luck
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DragonRider reviewed Version 1 -
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“Com’ on Jasz, thought you were up for this, besides adds a little spice to life.
Is besides supposed to be there? Besides this mistake it was good. The story line kept my attention and was intresting
DragonQueen reviewed Version 1 -
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She smiled back at him, as she began to back up her stuff.
I believe you meant “pack” up.
But she quick and brutal.
But she’s quick and brutal…
“Com’ on Jasz, thought you were up for this, besides adds a little spice to life.
Is besides supposed to be there?
Besides these mistakes it was good. The story line was good and kept my attention.
PawPrintsOfLife reviewed Version 1 -
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Alright for one I could be nit-picky and pick out all the mistakes and just waste credits.. but I’m really not that desperate so I’ll try to keep this short and sweet.
I’m not sure if it’s me or not but something about this line just doesn’t sound all too right:
“A slight chuckle echoing in some deep whisper of consciousness of your mind.”
I find myself playing with sentances and I tinkered with this one perhaps you meant something close to:
“A slight chuckle echoes in some deep whisper of the consciousness of your mind.” or maybe not?
Another thing I found is that Perhaps in the third paragraph you could get by with taking out the second please and after “no offense” ” I was just remembering”?
“well there not really our worlds, they’re yours.” (here I’ve found the misuse of the famous ‘there’ – They’re
Over-all I would like to say you have an really good start, but you may want to go back an look over some of your vocabulary words as well such as debree
and catacombed. As well as observing your punctuation in certain areas know’s does not need and apostrophe..:) I can’t wait til the next installment comes out!
Louminator reviewed Version 1 -
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Since you’re admitting it is a first draft, I’ll avoid pointing out any glaring errors with grammar. Those can be fixed up in the rewrites (hopefully). I don’t know which contexts will transfer into a graphic novelization, so I’ll leave that for you to decide which of these remarks will be appropriate and constructive, and which can be tossed aside. I’m going to treat this as a ‘standard’ novel.
I imagine there will be a lot more visual representation in the graphic novel, but until I can actually see it, I’m left in a void when reading this. I have no clue as to where they are, what their surroundings are like, etc. I don’t feel like I’m there (wherever ‘there’ may be) with them. As of right now, I’m watching a dialogue taking place in vacuums. Sights, sounds, smells, etc. Feed my brain, please.
There is a whole lot of narrative and exposition to absorb. Too much, really. Its probably one of the more difficult aspects of writing sci-fi and fantasy when you have to explain ‘everything’ because its so new and different. But the truth is, you don’t need to explain ‘Everything’ to the reader right away. Let it come out naturally and on a smaller, need-to-know basis. Part of the fun of reading sci-fi is discovering how everything works, but don’t feed us the entire meal at one sitting. Nobody will have room for dessert.
We need to be able to identify with the characters more, at least the ones we can actually see (Ree and Jasz). Good stories are not about plot or setting; they typically revolve around good, interesting characters. These are the centerpieces in front of the canvas of backgrounds that include the elements of plot and setting. Focus on them and give the readers more to connect with. Who are they? What are they like? What motivates them? Why should we care to read about them?
Conflict, suspense, and drama are the key elements that move a book along and keep a reader turning pages. It is very critical to have at least one of these in the beginning to hook your readers from the start. This writing only hints at any of these. Open it up! Find the conflict and throw it in our face, or show us some real drama unfolding right there. Or at least offer some suspense to keep us wanting to turn the next page to find out what’s going to happen next. Your goal as a writer is to give your readers a reason to want to keep turning the pages. Otherwise, they’ll put down the book and find something else to do.
As far as the setting goes, it seems you have a very solid grasp of what you’re trying to build. There’s obviously a lot of details involved, which is great, but you need to pace yourself on how much you need to expose us to right away. I don’t need to know everything right away, and you don’t have to just explain it to me on the first page. Tell me what I need to know, or better yet, SHOW me what I need to know without letting the explanation of how things are overshadow the real story.
Hope that helps. Good luck, and keep writing!
wise2owls reviewed Version 1 -
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In this prose, the main thing is the relationship between Cutter Jasz and Renee Winters. Renee is an orphan who wonders why she was chosen to be one. Lots of dialogue, many descriptions, and a group of definations of what the various groups of people are. It maybe a rough first draft but I was rivited to the story from the first page, very good. Please continue polishing this up, thank you.
Jay_Pee reviewed Version 1 -
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I like th way this story is building. the characters are interesting too.
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