Poetry / it's almost midnight (Analysis)

The poem has a dreamy feel.  The short lines work well. their concise.  Each one stands on its own, but they flow nicely into the following line. The last two stanzas are more congested.  
i’m here in my bed
facing the sky and tempted to dream
Sounds good, but it has me think the bed is outside.  Or looking out a skylight.  The poem could use more clarity on the setting.

I love the content that you are portraying.Although i am confused as to whether it is supposed to rhyme or not…although if it isn’t it is amazingly well written.Good job and keep writing.

First off extremely beautiful and inspiring, I enjoyed it deeply.

For your work I understand the writer can choose to break any rule they wish in writing poetry as long as there is consistancy… you started with using lower case letters and then you threw in two capital letters I’m not sure if it was a slip… or it was done with intent..

‘i’m thinking of you right know and its almost midnight’ (I’m not sure.. but did you mean now? slight slip but it makes things read a whole lot smoother :))

I hope I have the pleasure of reading more of your work!

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May 17, 2008

by djmejia2011

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
18	33.3% (3 votes)	36.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
19	M	Capitol Heights, MD	June 20

thank you so much, and yes the “know” was a typo for now.  :) thanks

May 18, 2008

by PawPrintsOfLife

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
31	75.0% (4 votes)	46.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
17	F	Elizabeth City, NC	December 01

Your most welcome. :)

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I’m afraid it is too naif and romantic for myself. Smells like teen spirit, but at the softest side. I miss some force, of claw, of affectionate passion.

This was just far too choppy for my taste, and it’s a bit confusing. Get the lines to rhyme correctly, and get words in the right orders if they are not like in the line “you in my thoughts are.” It didn’t finish, and it shouldn’t have ended on “are.” Sometimes ending a line with a word used in that way, to continue to another line, work out, but this didn’t. You need a little more practice, but this wasn’t too bad. Good job.

I can relate to what you are feeling. Very well constructed.

First of all, please don’t take my rating numbers too harshly.  I use the whole scale of 1 – 10, with 5 being average.  Some people think that this is like scoring gymnasts at the olympics and anything less than a 9 is horrible.  This is not true.  You’ve got some talent.  The structure and grammar bring down the clarity.  The second stanza isn’t uniform with the rest of the work.  The first, third, and fourth stanza all have four lines.

Some quick subject-verb agreement fixes would help with the clarity.  For example, line 2 of the third stanza has the subject-verb pair(words/makes).  As I’m reading this, my mind is trying to correct it to read (words/make). Again, in the fourth line, the same situation exists with the S-V pair (memories/teaches), which I’m auto-correcting in my mind to (memories/teach).  These small mental distractions take away from the flow of the work and reduce the overall quality.

Two things that might help improve clarity are:
1.) Define the three letters referred to in the third section.  I assume those     letters to be Y O U, based on reading the fourth section.
2.) In the fourth section, change “know” to “now”.

Over all, not a bad piece.

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May 14, 2008

by djmejia2011

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
18	33.3% (3 votes)	36.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
19	M	Capitol Heights, MD	June 20

wow thank you i will take it in consideration and make the changes.

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