Poetry / it's cold (Analysis)

Overall it is a great piece. It maakes reader guess a little as to the true subject. Either the writer is dying and is counting down the days or he is just lonely cos he misses someone. Good title as it works on either level.  I enjoyed it; but it made me sad.

I like your poem very much. It was clear. However you need to watch you spelling and grammar. I can understand what you are trying to say typpos aside though and I feel the same way.

You begin the text as a poetry one, but with every verse it becomes prose. Poetical? I’m not sure. It seems a teen love letter, like a personal diary or a such thing. “i don’t know if you  have heard of a story like mine” This verse could start a good way, comparing a prison with the miss feeling, but the next sentences are too topic, I’m afraid. I suggest you work in the way of the 6 first v.

What made this poem interesting was the word usage. It was vivid, but this was extremely choppy, and did not flow. With that great of word use, if you just fix up the poem a bit, it will be really good! Keep up the good work. =]

This work is all over the place. The first section’s bilingual aspirations lost me.  The second section felt out of place with the rest of the piece.  It held no relevance to the rest of the work.  I liked the third section and tried to tie everything back together from there.  The fourth section wouldn’t allow me to get a decent handle on where this piece was going.  From that, I walked away with the following information: “Today, a painful dream of losing me made you wait in the rain with an unexplainably cold chest.” It took a second read to bring that conclusion forward.  

In the last section, my momentum is uncertain.  By “really missing” me, you add value to the minutes and, as a reader, I’m thinking that I should be clinging to these precious minutes.  Then, you make them “go flying”.  Now, I’ve sped up as though I were on the open highway only to run into a speed limit sign of falling leaves that reminds me that I’m in a hospital zone. But wait… the tree, itself, is falling.  So, the leaves must be moving fast, right?  Do you see how this confuses the pace of the section and leads to a lack of clarity?

Each time I tried to establish a rhythm, I found myself off-beat or thrown out of count.  I don’t think this work was put together very well.