Poetry / blessed with a scrawled curse (Analysis)

The surreal, seemingly almost drug induced alter-reality that you put us in through your words is absolutely fantastic through the first stanza. It then seems to float away to this introspection. A look at ones self so finite, yet dreamlike. Wonderful Job.

I have a conflict in which I want to throw punctuation into this piece; yet, I question that impulse because I think it might interrupt flow. Do think about though. Unfortunately some editors and publishers are sticklers when it comes to  punctuation then some may just leave as is. It is hard call. EXP…

Instead of…

“unilateral sedation sewn into the sky
sleep coated dreams encasing my wake
as if it were merely reality”

then…

“Unilateral sedation sewn into the sky,
sleep coated dreams encasing my wake
as if it were merely reality.”

These may not actually be full sentences and therefore work as they are without the punctuation, but then again…

Great job. I look forward to reading more  

I like the piece but it’s uneven.  I find the first half of the first verse to be a bit wordy and slow to get started.  However, it really took off at the “meaningless menagerie of lies” line and was absolutely startling in short sounds and imagery down to the line “in the mirror.”  I don’t think you need the line “of destiny” to make this work and the final line in that verse may actually weaken the work.  What might happen if you placed the last six lines of the poem at the front of the poem before the “meaningless menagerie” line and tried to work them in there?  Just some thoughts.

You have many nice phrases, original expressions like “a sidewalk coma patient”, the words you use and the way you use them are quite powerful, and would probably sound very nice as lyrics… But… there is no real connection between one line and the next, there is nothing that leads the reader further into the unknown, it just looks too random (except chorusy part “on every street corner…”)
Also the words sound very appropriate together: membranes/remembered, caw/crow.
Ptential is there but I can’t see the story behind it.

nice style I love the short and sharp sentences towards the end, very powerful, builds deeply and rakes out vivid imagery.