Sci Fi & Fantasy / Soul Search (Analysis)
Soul Search
“Premier Travel Agency. This is Reagan. How may I help you?”
“Reagan? When did they talk you into doing switchboard?”
It was then that I realized who I was talking to.
“Aidan! Long time since I last talked to you. I’ll tell you, a lot of things have changed since you left. Which, by the way, I’m still mad at you for leaving me here! You do realize that now Rebekah will complete my training?”
“Yeah, yeah,” Aidan said, “I kinda miss my goofy redhead!”
“Ha, ha. So, what’s up?”
“I need you to do me a favor. You know those forms that we have about the Organization of Authorized Travelers? The rules and regulations? Can you fax them to me?”
The Organization of Authorized Travelers, also known as O.A.T, is Terramu’s best way of organizing who and what are allowed to enter into our plane, and the other twelve known planes. Any being that plans on traveling has to have the proper documentations and authority to be allowed access to any known gate. Notice that I used the word known because there are a whole lot of beings that are finding non-reported gates and using them. Jeez, what a headache.
“Yeah, Aidan. I will be happy to fax it over to you. Call me sometime and let’s go out, kay? I’m feeling the need to hike Table Rock.”
After I hung up with Aidan I realized that I had to get my sore legs in motion. My karate class kicked ass last night! Thanks to Patrick, my trainer. My parents picked him out. Personally, though, he just always tends to rub me the wrong way.
My office was on the end of the row of cubicles and I had to go all the way down the hallway to find out where we keep the forms. And then I saw her. She is short, voluptuous, and a bitch. She was the type of person that would fix her hair in a ponytail and mess it up just to make it look like she worked out. So high maintenance, so annoying. But, what can I do? Rebekah is now in charge of training me on the job.
“Whatcha doing, Reagan?”
What I wanted to say was, “Like I want to talk to you.” But, “Faxing some stuff to Aidan,” was what came out of my mouth. Damn it, I’m too honest. Wonder when this is going to come back and bite me on the ass.
As she walked away, I vaguely heard her mumble some smartass comment about me not needed to keep in touch with former employees (read her former lover, yeah, he told me about that) and then everything else turned to blah, blah, blah in my head. So, I walked to the end of the hall and I had to pass Davis’ office. Nasty gray haired man, although he says its snow white. Whatever, I know gray when I see it. See how much I love my job? I poked my head around the door and thanked God the note taped there said he wasn’t in today.
Damn, the phone on my hip was buzzing. Okay, Patrick, I get that you are trying to reach me, just give me a few minutes, okay!? I told you he annoys the crap out of me. Why couldn’t mom and dad find someone like Aidan to train me? At least he would make it fun.
I finally found the forms and faxed them over to Aidan. Now I get to talk to the ever so sexy Patrick. Did I forget to mention that part? He’s tall, dark, handsome and oh so fuckable. But, like Mom always says, don’t mix work with pleasure. I know she’s right, but I can dream, right? So, his main text message goes like this:
Good Day Beautiful Angel
I hope you are not too sore today
Got a message from O.A.T.
Some serious illegals’ came in last night
I’m on duty and I hope you will come and watch
Could use your help to take them back
Pay is good…Patrick
If you haven’t got it yet, I’m a travel agent by day. As a travel agent I set up appointments and vacations and what not for people either to different areas of Terramu, or for the adventures to other planes, like Magus. Sometimes, the evil man, Davis, will ask me to actually assist in opening gates for customers. Pay is well for doing it, I just prefer not to. Mostly to annoy him. I’m still fairly new and the other sexy man in my life, Aidan, used to train me. Something went down between him and Davis. Now he’s trying to open another travel agency, and Rebekah took over his position here. As you can tell, I don’t even try to get close to her. I think she feels threatened by me, and has made me her enemy before we got to know each other. Whatever!
At night I am a watcher. As trained by my parents, I watch the gates. I especially watch for threats by my father’s older brother. You see, my father was second in line to be king in Magus. He was the favorite and my uncle was threatened. My uncle set my father up for banishment, and killed a lot of people in the process, but he’s the king and untouchable. My father wanted to protect his family, so my half angel mother, my younger sister and I all left for Terramu. Both our parents trained us on how to protect ourselves and how to watch the gates. My sister showed a lack of interest in watching since she did not inherit the same powers I did. But, she doesn’t seem to care anyway. She’s more interested in using her empathic abilities to help those that were hurt by the illegals’ coming through the gates.
As for me, I get off on all this adventure stuff. The more dangerous, the better, much to the detriment of my mother’s mentality. She doesn’t know where I got that from. Dad just enjoys watching me on my many misadventures.
Well, after sending Aidan his paperwork, and texting Patrick that I would meet him later, I went back to my desk. I’m hoping I don’t have to hear Rebekah’s voice again, when my desk phone rings again.
“Premier Travel Agency. How may I help you?”
“Reagan, my dear, I could use your help. Please meet me at the Pleasant Ridge Gate, please. The traveler I brought with me apparently can’t hold the gate open wide enough for the group trying to come through. Of course, double your pay today for coming out when you were scheduled for office time.”
Crap, it’s the slimy voice of Davis. And, as usual, he’s made it impossible for me to refuse by dangling more money in my face. What can I say; my adventures need money to fund them. God I hope this doesn’t last much longer.
“Yes Mr. Spoonarelli. I’ll leave here as soon as I tell Rebekah what’s going on. I’ll be there in about half an hour.”
“Splendid, dear. And when you speak with Rebekah, please tell her she will need to stay later today to meet with this group in order to finish their paperwork. I would take care of it myself, but I have made plans to meet with the head of O.A.T. right after we are done here.”
“Yes, sir, I’ll make sure she gets your message. See you in a little while.”
Let me just say, for the record, I am not looking forward to telling Rebekah anything. Did I mention that she is a bitch already? Please, just shoot me now. Not to mention the fact that no one should be coming through any gates without all paperwork being done beforehand. I smell something fishy going on but I bet there is nothing there to prove it.
So, as I’m getting my stuff together to meet up with Davis at the gate, who should come around the corner of my desk but the very person I had to see first. Rebekah had this look of utter glee on her face; like I was the mouse and she was the cat about to get her dinner. I would shudder, except that she’s so much shorter than me, that I feel like all I have to do is lift my foot and stomp her if she pisses me off. Don’t get me wrong, she is not a person to cross, and I’ve seen her in a fight before. She’s a little demon, literally.
“Where do you think you’re going Reagan? Office hours are until 5, not 2,” she says while achieving the feat of actually looking down on me.
“Davis just called and said he needed me at the Pleasant Ridge Gate. Something about needing help opening the gate wide enough for the group coming through. Oh, and he needs you to stay late to meet the group and finish their paperwork.”
I, of course, almost couldn’t keep the glee from my voice when I told her that. I suppose you could say that I’m also a bitch. Go ahead, it wouldn’t be the first time someone has called me that, and it really won’t be the last.
Her look immediately changed to frustration and anger, but I don’t believe it was directed at me, but at Davis. Let me just say that Rebekah is just as capable as me at opening Gates, and she has more experience, so why Davis wants me there and not his little foot soldier is beyond me.
“Let me just call him and confirm what you’re saying. You won’t mind, will you, Reagan? It’s not that I don’t trust your word, I just need to hear him say it.”
“Whatever floats your boat, Rebekah.”
She turns away to call Davis. I’m surprised she didn’t just call him and stare at me while she did it. She’s fully capable of making anyone feel tiny and very much beneath her. I really don’t know why she works for Davis. Most of the time, it seems as if he annoys her. Of course, she never lets him see her frustration. She just takes it out on the rest of us. Jeez, Rebekah, hurry up. It’s not exactly a short drive to get to this gate.
“It seems as if you were speaking the truth. Let Davis know that I need to speak with him privately at his first opportunity. I’ll see you in the office tomorrow and we’ll go over proper procedures as far as paperwork goes,” she said through her teeth.
Jeez, when did I become their personal message service. Creator save me from people keeping secrets.
“Sure. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Should you see you friend, Patrick, tonight, please tell him that I will see him Saturday for our date. Last time we went out was just wonderful, I’m looking forward to it again.”
“Uh huh.” Did she say that just to piss me off? I think so. Anyway, I turn away from her and walk out of the building and head for my SUV. I love my car. I get in and make sure my Velvet Revolver CD is playing full blast. I need the loud music to make this drive to the middle of no where and is probably a complete waste my gas.
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This 149 word review has not been unlocked.
My reviews are not demands; every author can and should feel free to ignore me. All I ask, is that you consider what I suggest and apply it to your writing as you see fit.
The first thing I want to suggest is to keep the rating criteria down to the three or four that are most important to you. Having to rate eleven criteria wastes time. It’s just a nitpick, but some Urbis users really get angry over that and won’t review you.
“Aidan! Long time since I last talked to you. I’ll tell you, a lot of things have changed since you left. Which, by the way, I’m still mad at you for leaving me here! You do realize that now Rebekah will complete my training?”
Omit the “long time since I last talked…”. The way she called his name says it’s been a long time, or at the very least, she’s pleased to speak to him.
The Organization of Authorized Travelers, also known as O.A.T, is Terramu’s best way of organizing who and what are allowed to enter into our plane, and the other twelve known planes. Any being that plans on traveling has to have the proper documentations and authority to be allowed access to any known gate. Notice that I used the word known because there are a whole lot of beings that are finding non-reported gates and using them. Jeez, what a headache.
Narrative summary, exposition. Would she take time out to suddenly “think” all this? Is there any way to incorporate this chunk of info into a scene? This conversation? Maybe have her think of the last time she had to deal with sort of situation?
After I hung up with Aidan I realized that I had to get my sore legs in motion. My karate class kicked ass last night! Thanks to Patrick, my trainer. My parents picked him out. Personally, though, he just always tends to rub me the wrong way.
I understand what you’re trying to do here, but I don’t think it has any merit to the story or this character. Perhaps she could remember why Patrick rubs her the wrong way? What did he do?
Nasty gray-haired man, although he says its snow white.
Page 3 is all exposition, and again, narrative summary. Is there any way to make that a scene? Flashback? Can you figure out a way to let us, the readers know who she is? What the history is? What she does without her telling us? Some exposition is okay, but large chunks slow your story to a crawl. And her nickname from Patrick is a little cliché, but I guess he’s supposed to be a doof.
I need the loud music to make this drive to the middle of nowhere...
To be honest, you lost me during the middle pages 3-7, which makes four pages I only skimmed. Rebekah is a bitch, yes, I got that. One mention and that’s all you need. Better yet, I’ll challenge you in the revision to never say she’s a bitch. Don’t mention that word, at all. SHOW it. Show how she is a bitch by her actions, expressions and demeanor. Let the readers decide how much of a snot she is without the main character giving us a blow-by-blow.
The main issue is telling when you could be showing. Showing engages the reader, pulls them in. Some telling is necessary, but you should strive to show whenever possible. If there is a lot of information to give, consider a prologue to this book that will give the reader a heads up on the ride they’ll be taking.
Your grammar is good, Reagan is very spunky (though try to keep her from being another Anita Blake or Rachel Morgan) and the idea is cool, but it’s all that information at once is daunting.
M
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The story is reasonably good, your problem lies in your style. To me personally it seems like your gossiping with the reader instead of telling them the story, which to me feels kind of strange. If you were telling someone this story verbally the style would be suitable but as a written piece, it feels slightly odd. I would suggest that if you wish to keep the style similar then you must remeber that the reader only needs a point such as X character is a bitch, Y is good looking etc. once or twice throught say a chapter. Any more and it makes the reader think, yeah, yeah i get it know get on with the story.
Regardless of this keep up the good work and with a few aesthetic tweaks and language adjustments your stories will become far more readable.
Keep it up!
The story line was good, but i have one suggestion. Description. It seems as if you used the least amount possible. You need to describe everything better. in first person it can be a little difficult, but trust me it is worth the effort.
Your piece is promising. You’ve got a great first person style that draws the reader to your character. However you’ve got to shed more indepth light on the Sci-Fi aspect of this piece, so I’m hoping to get to read the continuation. Your style has youth to it. I guess it aimed at a teen-young adult audience and will be most particular among girl-folk. It will enhance the appreciation of your work if you add descriptive elements.
I like this its a really interesting concept. I am so used to the fantasy stuff I read to be medeival in nature that a modern, even futuristic piece is refreshing. I love the feel of this—the language, humor etc is great—Good work. Let me know if and when it gets published I would love to read it.
I like it because it’s something I would write. This chapter requires a lot of concentration, because of the big info dumps we get. Even though a lot of characters get introduced it’s almost easy enough to keep up with them. I’m still a little confused about what this girls does, but I’m sure once I actually see what happens once she arrives at the gate…I might understand it more.
The story line was good, but i have one suggestion. Description. It seems as iof you used the least amount possible. You need to describe everything better. in first person it can be a little difficult, but trust me it is worth the effort.
Cool, my name is Eric, FYI i write as I read your review then sum-up if my opinions change about the work torwards the end therefor you get a better feel of how a stranger reads your work.
1) Introduction not bad, i like how you started out with characters talking it up. Not sure exactly what date this is supposed to be but be aware that fax machines will most likely be obsolete by the end of this decade, if not sometime in the 2010s. More people are switching over to email based fax or emails all together.
2) Interesting, so Terramu is like a vacation/resort/theme park type thing. I would be aware of the existing cliches if so, such as Jurrassic Park, Futureworld & Total Recall. I don’t believe this subject is oversaturated but it def. needs to be original.
3) The End was a little vague, would have liked a little better conclusion to what the story was trying to get across. Not bad, worked as a quick short.
Overall not bad, good dialogue, working premise (although might need some work to get published).
Needs a lot of work. The concept, dimensional travel agencym isn’t bad. I don’t actually read much sci-fi but that piques my interest. However, you’re also breaking the old “show, not tell, rule” from the very beginning and unsuccessfully. For instance, why not, in the opening sequence, have something along the lines of,
“Premier Travel Agency. This is Reagan. How may I help you?”
“Reagan? When did they talk you into doing switchboard?”
“Aiden?”
“That’s me.”
“It’s been a long time since I talked to you… etc.”
Use the dialogue to show the characters in action, speaking to one another. You can develop the characters and advance the plot by doing this. But you also have to balance the dialogue with exposition so you don’t wind up with a couple of “talking heads” on the page.
There are a lot of grammatical errors in this story. I believe every page has at least one. You can get away with that in dialogue but not in the narrative. I’ve heard that such errors a real turn-off among the agenting and publishing set. Good luck with the re-write.
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