Flash Fiction / Start here (or a story not written) (Analysis)
He opens his eyes for the first time in days. The same white walls. No matter where he moves, always he is greeted by the same smoke stained white walled tomb. Overwhelming dullness. The mirror, shy and fearful, reflects more and more of the wall and less and less of anything that could be identified as living. He brushes his teeth, more of a ritual than anything. His jaws have become a mortar and pestle making fairy dust for aborted children and the kids who never get adopted and know it’s never too late to abort themselves. He thinks of himself as less of a biological organism and as more of an outdated broken down machine. Programmed with paradoxes that debilitate and deconstruct. He puts on his clothes, relics now ruins, that hint at long forgotten adventures and quest, of sleepless nights and true love. He walks outside to smoke his first cigarette of the day, the corporeal reminder that this will come to an end one day, one day. A hope that sleep will one day actually bring him rest. A sleepy friend comes to join in the wakening rite of cancerous understanding. The only being still alive that can, or is at least willing, to comprehend the bitter unreality of absolute truth. The absent truth that leaves an intoxicating sobriety, the smell of a scented candle, a fragrant orange deathy smell. He tries to tell his friend everything, knowing only he can decipher the speaking in tongues. Silence is the only thing separating their soullessness and words are what they use to say the few things the silence and their understanding can’t. He moved away, but maybe not far enough. If miles, no matter how many, could be far enough. He brought his friend to help him, but he now wonders if maybe it wasn’t more to help himself. The fear of losing the only being perceivable to everyone else, and not just himself. That shares the same psycho-spiritual construct of the abyss. The understanding that the end is the only absolute, but that their friendship would be enough of a comfort until then.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
This 294 word review has not been unlocked.
This 189 word review has not been unlocked.
This 320 word review has not been unlocked.
This 104 word review has not been unlocked.
I really don’t know exactly what they mean by flash fiction, so I can’t really say whether or not this fits, but it kept me interested and was well written. It was easy to get a sense of the writer.
- add/view comments (0)
This 29 word review has not been unlocked.
this is a very nice piece of work, i like the style of words you use, the images are really clear and very understandable.
for a minute it felt like if i was reading a beautiful poem. great work
How is this a story?
There is no movement. The characters is not concretely established. What is the conflict? Where is there movement towards a resolution?
You are in love with your ability to play with words, and quite frankly, the play quickly becomes very boring and tiring as they are not conveying anything to the reader that helps them understand the character or the reason for this piece to be written.
I would recommend you focus on something concrete. There needs to be a reason for us to read this very descriptive introduction. Therefore, you need to get from point A to point B.
You tell us about the main character and how he feels, but why does he feel that way? You give us glimpses but not enough to really understand him.
Simply this needs expansion and a plot.
You writing has a poetic quality, and you make some good word choices.
I found this piece a little difficult to read because it was one long paragraph – you might want to experiment with splitting it up a bit. I didn’t like that there was no story arch.
I think that this piece doesn’t stand well by itself, but could easily be incorporated into a larger piece.
Showing 1 - 9 of 9
Review item
Add to faves
GENERAL
REVIEW QUEUE
Ratings & Rankings
