Punctuation and spacing? Are there any examples? The only way a review is helpful is if it provides specific details.
Young Adult / Gifted, Chapter Nine, Pt. 1 (Analysis)
Some days Charlotte wanted to wear her sunglasses while at work. The bright clashing hues made Pet Palace look like the Taj Mahal as decorated by kindergarteners. As Charlotte arrived one such morning, half asleep and clutching a grape Slurpee, she took off her sunglasses and found the store empty. They were supposed to be doing inventory before the store opened. Gibbons would be firing people for sure if they all skipped out. It was not unexpected for one or two of them to be running late, but for everyone to do on the same day defied mathematical odds. The stock room was also empty, which was odd considering there were plenty of vehicles in the parking lot. Unless they had all mutineed and run off to Beverly’s Pancake House, someone should have been there.
Just as she was about to go search the parking lot for clues, Charlotte heard Charlie’s signature punk celebration song coming from the breakroom. She pushed open the door to a wave of cheers. A dozen or so employees were there, and Charlotte stood with mouth slightly open and one eyebrow cocked.
Emily bounded over to her. “Charlotte! It’s about time you showed up! We called your cell three times!” she yelled over the music.
“What’s going on?” No one ever cheered for Charlotte when she entered a room. Stock boys, groomers, and cashiers were all crammed together, but they didn’t seem to mind the lack of space. Even Cole, who despised large gatherings of semi-normal people, was present with a couple of fresh markers. “Did you guys win the lottery?”
From her perch on the couch arm, Cole spoke up. “Better. Gibbons got canned.” They all cheered again, raising soda cans and coffee mugs to toast.
“What?” she mouthed.
“Came in last night right after you left, mumbling to himself,” Charlie said. “Then he packed up his crap, called all of us in the stock room no-good slackers, and threw his keys at Randall.”
“Well, you are slackers,” Cole said with a hint of a smile. Her inner arm had Gibbons’ name written with a red circle and slash over it. She held it up. “Not my best work, eh, Calloway? But good enough for him.”
Charlotte was still confused. “Are you guys sure? I thought—”
“Yeah, Gibbons’ mom fired him.” Charlie interjected. “After all the misery he put us through, it was time for him to get some of his own jerk-flavored medicine.”
Someone shoved a vending machine cupcake into her hand. “It’s on the house,” Emily said. “We’re celebrating Randall’s promotion with caffienated beverages and cream-filled delicacies.” Charlotte noticed that the front panels on the vending machines were open.
Randall raised his voice. “Before we get to work, there’s one matter we have to attend to.”
“Raises for everyone!” Charlie proposed.
“We’re taking back the store, and we’re starting with Gibbons’ office. I don’t know how they got that desk in there, but I know how we’re getting it out. Charlie, if you would do the honors?”
“You got it, boss.” Charlie procured a sledge hammer, and the room cheered again. He led them through the narrow hallway to Gibbon’s office. The room was still full of milk crates and stacks of papers. Charlotte moved to follow the crowd.
“Charlotte, wait a second,” Randall said. He was basking in the moment like a new father. Charlotte even thought he was standing a little taller than usual.
“Congratulations, Randall. I hope this means I won’t have to worry about getting fired anymore.” The group had formed a bucket brigade, and junk was coming out in piles. Charlotte could hear the thwack of the sledgehammer against wood, and bits of desk soon joined the old newspapers and crates.
“Only if you screw up. Although if I ever fired you, my roommate would probably kill me.” Catching himself saying too much, he snapped his mouth shut.
Charlotte hoped she wasn’t blushing, although the tingle in her cheeks probably meant that she was. Would it be presumptuous to discuss her feelings for Seth with Randall? There was no telling what kind of stories they were exchanging. Of course, the only two times she’d seen him, she’d been awkward and in so much pain. The memories were more haze than anything. For all she knew, she made a huge fool of herself.
Randall shook his head. “Forget I ever said that, and you can consider your position permanent.”
The whole situation left her with a heavy, dissatisfied feeling in her gut. The circumstances were possible, she could admit, but the possibility was such a slight one that she did not accept it. Something more is going on, she thought.
“Can you believe this?” Randall asked.
“Randall, this doesn’t seem right. I mean, isn’t it too easy? You walk in one morning and find the boss you hated is gone?”
“Hey, why are you complaining? Don’t want me to be your boss?”
“It’s not that, it’s just that I—”
Randall folded his arms over his chest. “Honestly, I couldn’t believe it at first. But I’ve gotten over that.” They both watched as the pieces of desk got bigger. “Do you want a swing at the desk? Of all people, you deserve it. He treated you the worst.”
“Nah, Charlie needs to vent his frustration more than I do.”
“It is funny. Just yesterday you were wishing for him to get fired What a coincidence, right?”
That was it. That was what made her feel so uneasy. She had wished it, had spoken the words, and they came true. Charlotte felt her hands turn cold. The same thing happened with Rocky. And even with Seth! The things she wanted most were coming true. There were too many things to be coincidences.
She could feel panic well up. Questions swirled around her head, too many questions to process them all. Why was this happening, and why was it happening to her? How could she stop it? And above all, who had done this to her? She didn’t believe in magic, that of fairy tales or street corners. She scoffed at supernatural claims, of ghosts or powers or other worlds. And yet, she knew that this power she had discovered was something of those fairy tales and ghosts that she denied. Charlotte wanted to rip it out and hurl it away from herself.
“Charlotte, are you feeling okay? You look a little pale.” Randall looked worried, and Charlotte knew her expression showed her fear.
She shook it off. “I’m fine, Randall. Congratulations.”
“Okay, if you say so. We’d better give them a hand. And everyone’s going out tonight to celebrate tonight, so you have to come.”
Charlotte nodded and plastered a smile on her face, but she didn’t feel it. The racing beat of her heart echoed in her ears.
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84princess reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow is first of all. The dialog is very realistic, in fact I believe Charlotte is a lot like someone I know. Even though it is not my genre of liking I would still read this just for the fact that it is more like looking into someones journal.
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poetking reviewed Version 1 -
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Good basis on the story line, but the punctuation and spacing needs a bit moore attention! i enjoyed reading this, and i know you can produce this story, into a great story
rsaioxkreual reviewed Version 1 -
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First thing that I noticed was that, in the first paragraph, you refer to the workers as ‘they’. I think that it would be better if you state names, exactly who is supposed to be doing exactly what. It’s be nice if I was able to put a face to ‘they’, or at least a name.
Emily uses a lot of exclaimation marks, and it gets repetitive. Use the exclaimation mark sparingly—using it too much, which you do a couple of times through the piece, can be both an eye-sore and remind most of us about the time when we had just learned it, and used it after every sentence. The people and Emily are celebrating, but that doesn’t mean that every sentence needs to end with it. In fact, you could have one on the first sentence and it’ll radiate through the rest of the dialog.
Where would Charlie find a sledge-hammer? If you could say that maybe it was in the back of the story, it would help. At the moment it just seems to have appeared out of nowhere, expecially when you consider what the store is. Also, you forgot a space between sledge-hammer after ‘thwack’.
Overall, better developed than most of the stuff on here, but I think you could maybe fix the last page, which begins to hit home on how weird the fact of the matter is. I want to see Charlotte’s panic, not just hear about it. If possible, I think it would be best if you showed her doing something, like a bad habit. Have her bite on her nails as she thinks about it, or maybe start scratching something.
Anyway, if you have any questions or comments, feel free to drop me a line.
debberdoo4 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 75% of the Item
I thought it would be difficult to review this considering it is chapter nine and I have not read 1-8; but it wasn’t I caught up quickly. It felt like an episode from “The Office” (one of my favorite shows). The characters seem to despise their jobs and find comfort in the misery at similar things. It could be, perhaps the only thing this diverse of people have in common, and that is the disatifaction of being trapped in a job they don’t enjoy and it is through the mutual experience of their rote chores they have solidarity.
You have set yourself up for a unique twist of an age old situation. Everyone has been in one of those jobs; the normalcy but, also, the disfunction of mundane chores. This leaves so many avenues for humor and the exploration of what people are forced to settle with in life.
I would really liked to have known why Charlie needs to destroy the boss’ desk the most. I would really like to know more about Charlotte’s insecurities and interest in Seth.
You write dialogue really well. I think a few paragraphs of the characters having themed discussions would really enhance the humor and interaction of your characters. Keep going…the story deserves it. But, details, details, details will take this story from being good to being great. Good job; good luck
angknott reviewed Version 1 -
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didn’t really catch my attention but that could be because i haven’t read any of the 1st 9 chapters.
cwhitsitt reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this could even go general fiction. You set the story up extremely well, your writing is solid. Great images. Great words. You have created a very believable character, multi-faceted. Charlotte is obviously wrestling with more than just her suspected powers. I easily found myself in the scene. Great showing and not telling.
I like that I read right through it, wanted to read more, enjoyed it as much (if not more) than anything I’ve read on Urbis so far. How much of this do you have written?
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