Flash Fiction / The Antique Clock

The only piece of furniture left in her foreclosed home was the old grandfather clock. Because ancient architects set it flush into the wall, it took a crew of four men to pull it out.

Minnie noticed an old box on a deep shelf behind the space where the clock once stood.

She pried it open to find two things: the sales slip for the clock and a bulging bag filled with a thousand one hundred dollar gold pieces.

She fainted.

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Reviews

January 31, 2008

DCAllen

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1727	93.1% (669 votes)	49.5%

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
44	M	Germany	December 05

DCAllen reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

OK. Not bad. Take the following for what it’s worth. I see these problems:

a “little” tin box that holds a THOUSAND one-hundred-dollar gold pieces? This doesn’t seem possible.

grammar:

behind where the clock stood = had stood

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January 15, 2008

CourtshipLives

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
513	57.1% (170 votes)	35.5%

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20	M	Miami, FL	December 04

CourtshipLives reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

must’ve been a huge-ass bag. too convenient a twist for my taste. you had me at the tin box though. i thought there’d be a gun or an old note that somehow told her what was going to happen. like when morpheus calls neo at work. needs a little work, but good.

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1803	64.9% (271 votes)	27.7%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
60	F	Pottsboro, TX	May 20

December 19, 2007

squarehopper

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1541	79.5% (572 votes)	35.2%

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44	M	United States	December 05

squarehopper reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

I like the idea. I think you can tighten quite a bit – thus leaving you more words to add to the story. You can do this by removing unneeded words, restructuring sentences and making passive sentences into active ones.

The last line is anti-climatic and actually hurts the piece.

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December 11, 2007

Korp

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
106	81.0% (42 votes)	20.9%

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24	M	United States	December 04

Korp reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Hm. To be honest, I didn’t find it particularly special or original; just average. It’s good having a surprise/twist at the end, but your ending doesn’t really offer any shock value or turn the story around in any unpredictable way.

Spelling and grammar were fine, though.