Thanks so much for the great review-after the ones I got before you, hehe. Hope you read some of the other satire stuff I have.
Short Story / Silver-locks and the Three Abominable Snow-people
Silver-locks came across an empty log house in the woods while she collected herbs for witchcraft. Since the house seemed empty, she used a credit card and jimmied the lock, opening the door.
Inside, she found a long antique hardwood table with three hand carved chairs in large, medium and small sizes. In front of each chair was a bowl of food. She smelled the food and it made her hungry, so she set down the herbs and sat in the largest chair and proceeded to taste the food. In the bowl, there were maggots, squirming desperately to escape steaming liquid. She decided that today wasn’t her day to eat live maggots.
The next chair was a bit smaller so she sat in it to see what was that bowl had to offer. Mold grew on top and it turned into blue fuzz. She decided that this food wasn’t fresh enough and moved on to the next chair.
In that bowl was a great deal of honey. She really loved honey so she ate until she acquired the most horrible stomachache.
Silverlocks made a mad dash to the bathroom but when she got there, she noticed that there were three sets of toilets. The first one, she almost fell in, it was so big. The second one had such a bad odor she had to race to the third one to avoid the smell.
As she sat on the third commode, she got such cramps that only an explosion of her dinner splashing into the pot could cause relief to the horrific pain. She felt tired after that ordeal and left her gross remains in the small pot behind, as she didn’t know that she needed to pull a chain to flush it.
She walked into the first bedroom and found that the beds were all different. One was a Sleep Number Bed and she didn’t know which number would be right for her. The second was a Memory Foam Bed and she almost got lost in it. The third was a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed with a massaging machine and it put her fast to sleep.
Now, while she slept, the Bigfoot family came home. They had been out scaring tourists and were quite hungry. The father snowman gobbled down his maggots and was quite tired from all the excitement in the tourist park. The mother sucked down the mold through a straw since her teeth had long fallen out.
Their child noticed that all his honey was gone and started throwing a tantrum. Mommy gave him some more honey while she accused her husband of stealing her son’s breakfast before they left for the park.
When the child went to defecate he saw what was in the bathroom and threw another tantrum. The daddy accused the mommy of leaving her food remains in her son’s toilet since hers smelled so badly.
While the Abominable snow people argued back and forth, the youngest one went into his bedroom to play with his people-dolls and saw Silverlocks in his bed. An old silver-haired toothless witch sleeping in his bed freaked him out and he grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.
While going outside to get a clear signal and trying to explain to the dispatcher for half an hour who he was and where he was and what was in his bed, Silverlocks grabbed her herbs, sneaked out the bedroom window and made her way back to the road. As the sun went down, she encountered a werewolf who decidedly and forcefully took her home for his dinner.
A search party was sent to find the intruder and prosecute her for breaking and entering, and stealing food but no evidence of Silverlocks whereabouts were ever found.
The officers did find her abandoned basket of herbs sitting in the middle of the woods.
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Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 2 -
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I like the idea of taking a traditional story that we all know, and modernising it- Making a parody.
Always try and get the detail to the reader in as few words as possible to avoid “wordiness”. e.g “maggotts squirmed desperately”.
The opening of the story seemed a bit rushed though: take time to set the scene.
You mentioned “sleep number bed”- is this a grammatical error? Or is it a brand of bed? If it is a brand, capitalise the name.
Calling the component of a bed a “vibrating machine” is a bit suggestive in the wrong way, if you catch my drift. There you may have to be a bit more expressive to describe it.
I wanted to hear the snow people speak! I wanted an impression of their accents and the way they walked and behaved a bit more.
“No evidence to this day”... This sentence needs rewriting for clarity. A grammar checker on MS Word would pick this up, as well as a few other errors.
If this is a child’s story rewritten, think about how you want it to sound. A childrens’ story with extra realism, Roald Dahl style? Or maybe a news report? Or a story that’s definitely for adults, based on a kids’ story?
Good idea with potential.
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Emilee reviewed Version 2 -
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Cute, I love goldielocks and this was a funny paradoy of it! I love the modern touches to the magical world the live in. I thought the werewolf was the perfect ending to such a bewildering story :)
quaintfungus reviewed Version 2 -
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Nice Parody. Very funny. I like the first sentence about gathering herbs for witchcraft this really stes the reader up for the unusual tale. I enjoyed the part about the baby sasquatch using his cell phone nice touch to bring it up to date. I could quite happily read this as a feature in a magazine or newspaper. Good use of langage and a polished finish.
The part about the beds is good too I like the craftmatic adjustable bed.This kind of detail just adds to the humour. Well done
dragonkiller07 reviewed Version 1 -
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Not bad stuff. I must comment on the grammar. Watch your punctuation and such. I like the parody of it all. Work on the ending. Maybe add…”It remains a mystery to this day.” Keep up the good work.
Cavol reviewed Version 1 -
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I read your notes and saw how short this was and said, “this had better be funny”. Indeed it had it’s moments but it left me not sure what to take from it as a whole. I don’t get the ending, if there is one. Was it funny? Am I missing something? Or did it just end? I have a couple technical suggestions:
sat in the largest chair and proceeded to taste the food (the use of food again is awkward. Why not just make it, “proceeded to eat?”
She really loved honey so she dove into the food and ate until she got the most horrible stomachache. (I have the same issue with the use of the word ‘food again’ but in general, the story lacked descriptions which may or may not have been intentional. I think here’s a good place where you could describe how one would eat honey. Did she spoon it in? Finger it in? How much of a mess did she make?)
Mommy…accused her husband of stealing her son’s breakfast (they just came in from a day of pillaging and it’s breakfast time>
...the Abominable snow people argued back and forth, the youngest one (“youngest one sounds awkward” – why not just ‘the youngest’?)
In case you’d like to know, the parts that made me laugh were Silver locks “jimmying the lock” and abominable snow baby dialing 911.
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