Thank you for the review. I really appreciate it. I agree with what you say, and i hope it makes the poem sound better. :)
Poetry / Yes indeed, the rains have come. (Analysis)
The leaves rustled,
The welcoming smell of dust reaching my nostrils.
I breathed in the rich smell of fragrant grass,
“Ah, the rains are coming” i thought.
The nonrhythmic rumble of thunder in the distance;
Like a child,
Taking his first beats on a drum, “Thum, thum.”
I walked outside, smiling to myself,
Lightening flashing in my face.
People find my behaviour strange, hmmn…
On my third step, he touched me,
Another raindrop fell on my forehead.
I laughed and ran; welcoming him with my outstretched arms.
Yes indeed, the rains have come.
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MissCasket reviewed Version 1 -
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this is great for your first peice!
youve done an amazing job!
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paulfogarty reviewed Version 1 -
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Good work. I feel like you might benefit in this piece from editing out any unnecessary words/descriptions. Like “rich smell of fragrant grass” you could lose “rich smell of”. That would solve one of the other difficulties in the opening few lines of this poem… the repeating of the word “smell”. You could lose the word “nonrhythmic” as well, I think. Cos if it is nonrhythmic, and it is thunder (which cannot be any other way than nonrhythmic), then you don’t need to qualify the thunder in that particular way.
Also, one doesn’t “take” beats on a drum, one “makes” them or “pounds” or “hits” them. The word “lightening” should be spelled without the letter “e”.
With the final four lines the poem leaps to another level…up into the stratosphere, and it is here that I feel your poem should really begin.
Good luck, hope this helps.
AmyWalker reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s good but definitely can better. This line here didn’t make sense to me ““Ah, the rains are coming” i thought” Did you mean “Ah… the rain’s coming” cause it seems to flow better like that and the last line “Yea indeed, the rains have come” Did you mean “Yes indeed, the’s here”
Just a thought but other than those two lines I thought it was a job well done.
Keep up the good work
Amy
tisha reviewed Version 1 -
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Fabulous. One hundred percent wonderful. I like the pieces simplisity yet its still has compoud meaning. It is a great poet that can take a few simple words and make them into such a powerful punch. One thing I saw was there was an ‘i’ that should be capitalized. Other than that, fantastic. You are going on my faves list.
dpak reviewed Version 1 -
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A pleasant little poem with some nice imagery. It’s excellent the way you show how one can enjoy rain – especially after a long dry period. On a technical point, I would venture to suggest that the “rich smell of fragrant grass” is more likely to be noticed AFTER the rain has stopped. Nevertheless you evoke a pleasant experience and one that most people can share. May readers will have enjoyed the heavy rains after a long period drought – both literally and metaphorically.
CaptainJacksHat reviewed Version 1 -
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Living in England i am used to rain and have grown up to hate it, yet through reading this i have come to realise how in some respects it’s extremely important. I cannot imagine how it would be to live in hope of rain whether it’s simply to feel it or to help the crops. For this reason i am extremely impressed with this poem. It gave a good impression as to how life would be without the rain. Good job.
sunderedheart reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem flowed well and reminded me of the times i spent researching native american history . I believe i notcied a few spelling errors though i could ne incorrect such as Lightening: i believe it is lightning, nonrythmic i believe shoul have a hyphon between non and rythmic
exodus84 reviewed Version 1 -
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i find this quite well.
simply because it could mean a lot of things, and in some instances, i love the ability to
make my own
out of your
words rather than trying
to understand what you want me to and see what you want me to see.
i am picturing this as to be a near scene of a movie…
powder, perhaps?
do tell, do tell
nicepunkrocker reviewed Version 1 -
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The poem is very reminiscent to the writer about a time during childhood perhaps. The rain represents renew, hope, rejuvenation. Only line I stumbled on was people find my behaviour strange, it dosent seem to fit the rest of the poem. I would say to cut the hmmmn as well.
scribes4life reviewed Version 1 -
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You have some nice phrases and ideas in this poem. It opens nicely with “The leaves rustled,” and I like how the smell of dust is welcoming and reaching the narrator’s nostrils. The use of smell is really important to the poem, so I’d keep pushing for stronger images (like “the rich smell of fragrant grass”); see if you can make the readers smell it.
I like the child beat of the drum, but I think you should make it more stilted to communicate the irregularity of the thunder. ”Thum…thum,thum…thum” or something like that.
I like when the narrator says, “Ah, the rains are coming,” but it doesn’t if he/she says it or thinks it. The phrase should be left by itself.
I like the idea of personifying the rain, as well. It was a little jarring, but I like it. The he, becomes multiple, though; that’s a little confusing without assuming the he refers to some all-powerful creator.
As it stands, the line about strange behavior doesn’t do anything to help the poem because there are no references to it before or after;plus, it should definitely be something that readers gather from the descriptions if you want that strangeness to come out.
Finally, the structure is odd. I thought that you wanted it to be a one-stanza poem, but poetry is usually single-spaced. If you’ve made it double for a reason, I must have missed it and I apologize.
You’ve got some good ideas in the poem. Just keep working on it. Thanks
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