Poetry / "Chelo"

This is an emotional piece and very dramatic.  I suggest you try to avoid cliches as much as possible – for instance:  ”I am but a hollow shell.”  I don’t think the last line “May they now fall to earth to end this pain” is very effective.  You could end with the next to last line and dot dot dot -
From so far away I felt right next to you…

I really enjoy the sort of dark theme this piece gives, as if you couldn’t live without the person you love.  It is very much like Amy Lee’s writing of Evanescence

This poem is incredibly emotional and drew me in from the moment I began to feel the heart break and desperation of these words. The genuine, raw emotion is what makes this piece great.

You have no mistakes that I can see in the punctuation or spelling categories. You create great images with your words; the ending, depicting the star = incredible. That is the kind of love only an innocent person can feel.

My eyes were for looking into yours,
Take them,
I don’t need them now[,]
My lips,

As you can see I have highlighted the comma in line three, for reason. If you string these lines out they read as “My eyes were for looking into yours, Take them, I don’t need them now[,] My lips,” You see, this is how it forms in the audience when they are reading or hearing it read: broken and awkward.

When writing it is generally all about flow; with the variations of syllables and how it affects the cadence. I have pointed out this in the first few lines as, painfully to the ears, it is repeated throughout the entire poem.

Remember, it always forms differently in your head then it does within the ink. So try to understand the mechanics of the punctuation you have used, because its function demands a certain reading.

Also, I tid-bit on the overall format. I am going to guess you are new to the whole poetry process. (???) ANYhow, it is important to reflect your poem on even terms, i.e. you have placed it all into one long stanza. Is this how it sounded out in your head? Does it follow the integrity you wanted it to? These are important skills to master. Formatting the poem is also an intimate reflection on the poem (unless you are confining it to a certain meter; then it is the choice of structure that determines your poem, etc.).
Having short and sharp lines usually hint at more important images or features, whereas longer lines (not due to redundant/flowery writing) pertain to a different mood.

So, key things when you are writing: a line is like a window, give it an image or something for the responder to comprehend; and stanzas are like a bunch of related images/movements/events, that can act as defining segments of your poem.

Keep writing,
Sweet reality
    

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May 24, 2008

by Beer_and_Poetry

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0	88.6% (44 votes)	100.0%

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22	M	Saint Petersburg, FL	August 26

I am not new to poetry…it’s my experience that allows me to travel beyond what is thought poetry “should” be. Which in fact is whatever you want it to be. Thanks for your critique anywho.

Reality check.

May 24, 2008

by neoprose

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206	62.7% (51 votes)	43.4%

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20	M	Australia	August 16

I’m not saying what poetry should be (in reading my poems- though I have removed next to all of them- you wouldn’t know that I am not really into what poems “should” be.

I’m sorry it gave you a bitter tang on your tongue, in reading my review. This might sound patronizing/condescending and harsh, but I have seen this style and arrangement from majority of “beginners/emos”- Sorry-; my first poem shared a similitude to this poem (a few years ago), so I assumed you were in the same boat as I was.

I shouldn’t have made the assumption. Sorry.  

May 24, 2008

by neoprose

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206	62.7% (51 votes)	43.4%

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20	M	Australia	August 16

TYPOGRAPHICAL: “you would know”

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Dear Creator,

I have read “Chelo” and I am without words.  Honestly this piece was written with so much emotion.  I really felt the yearning for that second chance and that deepened regret for messing up the change you had. All in all it was a great piece of poetry in my opinion.

Slongentl

excellent poem. i loved the recurring theme. it seems as if either a loved one has left, or has died.

i like how you painted a very exact picture of what this person was feeling, how they felt and why, and what whould happen because of it. all in all, a very good poem. well-written, point comes across nicely, and the repetition is definitely well-founded.

congrats

I like it just a little to deep for me!

The feelings are so raw here. I can completely get the feeling of total loss because the only person that ever mattered just left. Wow.

Not bad.

It felt very bitter and regretful, however it doesn’t take anything away from the poem.

Some parts seemed staggered, as if you stopped several times, but from top to bottom it is full of emotion.

I liked it.

Such a sad, sad poem.  But i loved it.  Kinda helplessness and resigned feeling in this one.  I just fell in love with the way you put it all together, very nicely. Well done!