Well thank you for the review! I write and post this story in bits and pieces that are all out of order, so I’d suggest going to my page and checking out some of the other Winterhaven stuff. I actually just posted the piece about Jillian & Everett..
Young Adult / Winterhaven - Arrival (Analysis)
My first glimpses of Winterhaven were distorted images viewed through the foggy, rain-soaked windows of my car. The sky was a heavy grey and dumped sheets of rain towards the earth. I generally enjoyed such dismal weather, but I despised driving through it. The windshield wipers couldn’t move water fast enough to keep up with the storm, strong winds pushed at my small car, causing me to grip the steering wheel with excessive force, and my tires proved to be in need of replacement as they slid on the pavement.
Between the rhythmic flicking of the wiper blades and never ending buckets of rain that were now coming down at a harsh angle, I could made out rolling green hills and sprawling farms. Eventually a small town emerged from the countryside; a sign welcomed me to Winterhaven, California and informed me of its high altitude and five hundred and ninety-two person populace. I half-expected a local to pop out from behind the aging sign to update the sad population count as I crossed into the town. It was a horribly quiet, pathetic little town so far and was sure to be full of pathetic little humans. They always were.
It took another hour on the narrow country roads before I finally arrived at my new home. Like most of the houses I had seen on my drive, this one was tall, white, and nestled on acres of ranch land. I settled my car in front of a small two-car garage and groped for my keys. Opening the car door left me subject to the cold, angry downpour, but before even a drop had the chance to dampen my hair I was standing on the covered, wrap-around porch, a key turned into the deadbolt. I let myself into the house and locked the door behind me. Everett and Jillian wouldn’t be joining me for a couple days still and as far as I was concerned, no one else was welcome.
I wandered through the house aimlessly, opening doors, turning on lights, and peering into rooms. After making my way through the entire house once, I dragged a small tote through a doorway, claiming the large bedroom as my own. Many of the other rooms had wallpaper or were painted bright, airy colors but this one had been left unmarked, with boring white walls. It was perfect for me – no disgusting, flowery human decor or personal touches left by the previous owner.
I did not leave the house those first nights, but by the time Jillian and Everett arrived, it had become necessary that I hunt. My patience had worn thin as the thirst invaded my every thought, and my gums felt swollen and sore, fangs let out and sharp.
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lookingbeyond reviewed Version 1 -
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I felt the rain from that storm as I was reading , very descriptive I should say ,, I believe if given the chance it could make a small paper back ,,
keep it up ..
Lookingbeyond
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djmejia2011 reviewed Version 1 -
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i like the different words you use instead of making the lines boring. there is drama on each line, the description gave me a clear picture of the background.
nubadunk reviewed Version 1 -
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Your wording is fantastic! The story flows real smooth! I need more to know if I really like it though! Please continue! Who is Jillian and Everett? Why are they in Winterhaven?
the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, I haven’t read the Winterhaven bit, except for this. It sounds interesting, however, and as though you have a good idea of where the character comes from.
I’d be careful of making the ‘contempt for humans’ sound cliche or generic. ’pathetic little towns..pathetic little humans’
The narrator enters Winterhaven, then an hour goes by? I would describe more of the town, to support it being little and rustic, as well as describe the annoyance of driving around to find this house. This will help build the sour outlook the narrator has towards humans by describing where they live through the narrators words.
This intrigued me. I would definitely read more.
angknott reviewed Version 1 -
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interesting story. the last few lines leave me wanting more of an explanation. is this person a vampire? very descriptive with the rain & weather. makes teh reader feel the weather as well.i would love to read more of this story.
sreed98 reviewed Version 1 -
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as the thirst invaded my every thought, and my gums felt swollen and sore, fangs let out and sharp.
The aforementioned last part of your entry is an excellent way to compel the reader to want to read more. What left me wondering (and I realize this is your rough draft) was what was the significance of Winterhaven?
ShadowHeadley reviewed Version 1 -
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I like how this goes, I thought it was just going to be a story about female friends and their mishaps but by the sounds of it, this is a vampire/ werewolf novel. Great surprise I think anyway.
LAluver4ever reviewed Version 1 -
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I wish it was longer – I’m afraid it was a “teaser” for me. But this is absolutely a good start, and I hope to see you keep going with it. =]
kadiya reviewed Version 1 -
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I really feel the contempt that this person has towards humans. Vampires are unique to say the least and you have portrayed this well in this short synopsis of your story. I havent read previous postings, yet so far this is piquing my interest. Well done.
I can tfind any errors, your spelling and grammar are certainly well done.
Your protagonists character comes over as being a tad arrogant, which I like, but depending on how he grows within the story structure, he could be one to dislike. Even within these two pages, you have stirred emotion. So the hook is well done.
spincycletexas reviewed Version 1 -
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very good. you got me with the ending. I was not expecting it at all. I love it. look forward to more.
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