oh i forgot to mention, looking forward to a second edition, and the next chapter!
Novel Treatments / Roses: Collecting Flowers
I stirred stiffly from the spot I had fallen in tears, “ugh” I mumbled, as I stretched my limbs that felt numb. Squinting around the dark room I fumbled to my feet; standing dead still. My thoughts beginning to run ramped I didn’t turn off the lights… did I? I couldn’t have. The sound of my heart thudding against my chest interrupted my thoughts and a familiar twitch made it even louder.
My throat felt rough, and dry like the feeling of sand paper; I needed to swallow but my throat felt unnaturally constricted.
Moving carefully through the darkness, I fumbled feeling for the wall, gliding against it for safety; which I’ll admit I looked ridiculous. My hand brushed the wall, as I continued my search for the switch, stretching for it instead of moving I finally managed to flick the switch, the room becoming swath in a familiar synthetic glow of fluorescent bulbs. My eyes screamed, before attempting to adjust forcing me to close my eyes. Slowly I opened them, the peculiar twitch reminding me viciously why my eyes needed to adjust to the horrendous light, and I looked around frantically still frozen in my position, my heart beat becoming wilder within my chest when I saw him.
He sat casually on the couch, staring up at me with a half smirk, half smile contorted on his stone face, this look seemed almost as if it were chiseled carefully to completed the twisted features of his face. He sat with one leg resting at the ankle across his other leg, his arms folded regally across his chest, but as his eyes met my own his tensed form relaxed. He spread his arms across the back of the couch and both feet rested on the floor; knees apart. His long black jacket revealing a pearly whit poetic shirt with ruffles down the front. His cold gray eyes locked onto mine; though in some sense I could feel his eyes run over the length of my form in lust and amusement. Searching for my voice I attempted to move, but my whole body was frozen to my current spot; kind of a ridiculous position at that. My back against the wall, leaning over to one side with my hand outstretched for the switch.
“Good- evening, Lily” the man says, his voice deep and lingering.
My heart began to flutter wildly in my chest and I was able to move. Forcing my self to swallow I stumbled forward, wanting to look away from this man, yet felt paralyzed in a sense in which I could not look away from him, instead I merely folded my arms across my chest trying to hide the fear I felt as he looked at me.
I open my mouth to speak but he had already risen from his seat making his way towards me.
“You look beautiful tonight” he says all too kindly, his voice soft and sincere, but that sickening smirk was still plastered on his lips.
“W-why are you here Markel?” I ask; the only words I could manage to pry out of myself, yet the only ones that made him stop dead in his tracks a foot from me, there I realized what he meant by beautiful. My wings were extended. Quickly I folded them tightly against my back and for a moment where he stood a frown began to form on his lips, but not soon after that trademark smirk returned.
He continued to close the space between us and a feeling of being cornered suffocated me into backing against the wall, which in turn felt as though it was against me, with tight arms holding me in place for him. My breath grew steadily heavy, in ragged intervals as he still continued to advance.
“Why are you here?” I murmur, almost a whisper. He smiled softly, with a pearly, fanged grin. I shuddered, biting the inside of my lip to keep from whimpering.
“You know why I’m here” he says in his suave comforting voice, his eyes flashed briefly with compassion before he spoke up again: “But… if I must remind you, I’m here to collect my precious flower.”
Looking up at him, I could feel a quiver run through me at his closeness; he stood at arms length from me.
“We had a deal Lily.” He declares with a smile, a wistful one at that. His eyes not straying, suffocating me with the feeling of being pinned… cornered like a mouse and he the cat; an exhilarating rush of excitement toyed with my mind as a result of this, but he still scared me to death. It was obvious he sensed what I felt in his presents, for he took a step closer.
“I gave him his life… a pure life of his own… and you… you would be mine… you are mine.” He recites in perfection, a hint of desire slipping in his words.
He stood towering over me now; he always seemed to move swiftly and quickly as he spoke. With him looking down at me I could feel my knees growing weak.
“You’ll make me forget him?” I ask softly, gazing up into his eyes, where I found a smile forming on his thin lips; a fire of compassion was evident in his eyes. He gently touches my cheek with the pads of his fingers and replies: “You should know me better love; I never give my word and go against it, if you wish to forget him than consider him forgotten.”
He leans in to steal a kiss, his hand resting under my chin, but I turn away, melting beneath his touch, I bow my head and closed my eyes, ashamed of what I just asked for, to forget love. Lifting my chin in a swift movement he looks down into my eyes, captivating me within his stare so I could not look away, but only tremble there with is form so near, standing firm and resolute.
“Please do not fear me Lily; there is nothing about me to fear… I’m not a ghost, I am whole.” He says reassuringly, taking my hand in his he gently rests it against his chest. Searching his eyes I became even more transfixed by the tenderness I found lurking within them, and I ceased to tremble, but it was he who stood trembling before me. I began to feel the glow of my skin radiating around me in a translucent shimmer, shame plagued my soul, bowing my head attempting to tamper down my soaring spirit I sigh softly. “Let me find something more comfortable to slip into.” I whisper, stepping to the side I continue forward, towards my room and his icy touch began to sear my feverish flesh, shivering I look up at him, his gaze set, with a stale and arctic finish. Looking into his eyes, I shake my head “You know I can’t escape you” I murmur, and his wistful smile returned as his grasp loosened, but instead of his hands leaving me he wraps his arm loosely around my waist pulling me close he steals a soft kiss before I slip from his grasp and made my way to my bedroom; I felt his eyes on me, mostly likely captivated by the sway of my hips, or looking to catch another glimpse of my wings if I were to relax them.
Entering my room I closed the door behind me, leaning back against the door I turn to tears, closing my eyes…
I try to recall the ghost of my past…the events… that landed me in this position.
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DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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In general, your prose would move more swiftly and more naturally in the opening paragraphs if you’d not try to describe every, individual movement of the narrator.
General tense problem. The description, before the man speaks is in past; when he speaks, the dialogue tags are in present. The narrative continues in past (My heart began . . .) but then switches to present (I open my mouth . . .). Check this throughout. To save credits, I won’t comment on this further.
Proofreading notes:
my limbs that felt numb (awkward. Why not “my numb limbs” or my “prickling limbs”.
feet; standing (Use the semicolon only when what follows it is a complete sentence. The only exception to this is a list that has smaller parenthetical parts set off by commas.)
rough, and dry (no comma)
You could find another word for fumbled in the second paragraph (or in the
first).
pearly whit (typo?)
my whole body (whole is unnecessary)
Forcing my self = myself
him than consider = then
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hinairusu reviewed Version 1 -
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biggest thing i picked up on in this chapter was things such as ” pearly whit poetic” in which there is a spelling mistake. many of your errors are silly things, which a quick F7 on microsoft word would recitfy.
thedevelopment of the wings was a twist i did not forsee, and it adds a nice sense to the piece, in which it keeps the reader off balance.
the continual referance to flowers to me is a good touch, and is intriguing, does it have a more significant meaning as to which we have not learnt yet?
the use of memory in this piece is very admirable, as well is your use of emotions, because unlike the other chapter the emotions come across one at a time, and seem less clouded then before.
the piece is well set out, but i would pick at the lines
~~~~~~
“I felt his eyes on me, mostly likely captivated by the sway of my hips, or looking to catch another glimpse of my wings if I were to relax them.”
~~~~~
personally i would re-write these to
~~~~~~
‘I felt his piercing eyes on me, mostly likely entranced by the rthymic swaying of my hips, or seeking to catch another glimpse of my hidden wings, should i forget and relax them.’
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this is because with all the detail you have added in before, i see this line as rather bland, as all we know is that the wings were there and now are not.
conclusion: the detail is very good, and the peice itself is very captivating, but the spelling and wordiness of the peice, especially towards the end, could use re-working.
Hinairusu
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