I think that you’re right about The wording I had thought about the karate part, and the Gemini part I wasn’t to sure about because this is actually a new style of format for me and I was a little naive to it, if you would though send me a message with some more helpful tips, Appreciated Always….. Shadow
Poetry / Gemini
Gemini, The Dark and Light. One has logic one has Might.
In the Sun we have one form, but in the Moon we are the Children of the Corn.
The Twins without two separate bodies, one burns the midnight oil, the other, karate.
The Dark and the Light, the Sun and the Moonlight.
The brawn and the brain, we will always walk as our own cane.
When we look around and show what we see, we divide and conquer so unnaturally.
Too much brawn or too much brain, with this combination we will always be sane.
So look into my eye and you will see the original Gemini.
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jordanmcdowell reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not sure that the poem flows naturally enough, the fragmented sentences make it hard to read and/or understand.
with the theme of Gemini as your chosen topic the plethora of structures open to your are vast and I’d like to see you explore them more fully. For example, a poem looking at the two opposite Gemini twins? A poem with two collumns describing the two Gemini twins? I just don’t think the structure of this poem best suits your ideas.
Keep writing!!
Jordan*!
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vampyre44 reviewed Version 1 -
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The rhythm seems to be off in this poem, and some of it doesnt make sense. I think you applied good effort, so I give you props for that. Good job.
Peace,
vampyre44
Christof reviewed Version 1 -
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Over all I liked it.
There are a few areas that I would change.
“The Dark and the Light, the Sun and the Moonlight”
I would remove light as it feels like a bump when you read it, read the line without light in it and to me it flows much better.
“one burns the midnight oil, the other, karate.”
The end to me doesn’t fit very well, maybe add a little to the karate.
The same with the final line.
“So look into my eye and you will see the original Gemini.”
The way I write I would have Gemini as the last line, doesn’t mean i’m right mind you.
It was a very good poem, thanks for asking me to critique your work.
discordia reviewed Version 1 -
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I loved this poem, but what is the style of it called? Im curious :D
The only thing I would consider looking over is making it more simple like less words for ex:
“in the Sun we have one form, but in the Moon we are the Children of the Corn.”
it could be simplified to
-the sun permits one form, the moon makes us children of corn-
just a rough example but i think you know what i mean;D
do you have one for leo??
Scarlet_Afflictions reviewed Version 1 -
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When I read this, I felt that the rhyming/general flow of the poem inhibited what the poem was really about, or what it was trying to say. Maybe if you read through and asked yourself about how the poem flows you will see what I mean? Keep up the good work, especially if this is a new style of writing for you!
Mariama reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked this. It’s understandable and the rhyming was done quite well. I’m impressed that you say you are new to this. It’s a good start! Congratulations!
bittersweetmemory reviewed Version 1 -
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i think impact would be greater with fewer connective words. i.e.
“In the Sun we have one form…in the Moon we are Children of the Corn.”
“Twins witin one body, one burns midnight oil, the other, karate.”
i think it is a style suited for you… with some modification.
AVRP reviewed Version 1 -
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I think that after ‘one has logic’, a comma would set the pace better.
ASide from that, this is a very good poem. You repeat ‘sun and moon’ or something similar several times, is this deliberate? I think its a bit redundant. As a poem however you wrote it very well and I can see this one with lots of promise if tightened up. Keep at it!
Keter reviewed Version 1 -
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As a very typical Gemini, this didn’t really resonate with me. Children of the Corn, karate, and ‘own cane’ metaphors in particular were clinkers. It seemed like it was trying to rhyme and not quite making it, and the ‘beat’ seemed uneven. It’s a good theme to continue working with: try to use symmetry in word structures to reflect the dichotomy, evoking the two halves looking at one another.
B_HDouglas reviewed Version 1 -
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‘karate’ I don’t like. ”the other, from sight” may work, since one is the sun and the other the moon? It is up to you, this is your poetic license.
The refernce to corn, light and dark, a maze; is intricate, and constructed well.
Back to line 3, may I suggest erasing ‘two’ and simply say “The twins without separate bodies” because you have already used the word ‘twins’ and that refers to two.
Line 5 suggestion; “walk with our own cane.” instead.
‘With this combination we will always be sane’ is a marvelous statement.
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