I put my notebook back into my desk and looked attentively at the teacher. Ms. Pearl announced patiently, “There is a new student in our class, her name is Lacie Johnson; and I want,” her finger scanned the classroom, “Hazel Rosenfeld to greet her and show her to her desk.”
I stood up and pushed herself from her chair. She walked to the office and asked the woman at the counter for Lacie Johnson. The woman, who was wearing a bright red dress, looked at her for a second before pointed to short chair where a small girl in a purple dress was sitting. The dress was beautiful, with ruffles around the low collar, and a singe around the waist; a lace strip just before the fluttery bottom. The whole thing was printed with lavender leaves and deeper purple flowers. She had a purple headband buried deep in nappy black hair.
“I’m Hazel. Are you Lacie?” I ask the girl in the lavender dress.
The girl nods, but doesn’t look directly at me. I shrug and don’t try to continue the questioning. Maybe she’s shy. So I lead her to room ten and take the extra desk--it would’ve belonged to a boy named Alex had he ever showed up for school--and push it to be with the others. Taking out her materials I explain, “This is your pencil bag,” I looked at her backpack a second, “Do you have any pencils?” I asked.
She shook her head.
“No,” I said, “okay…”
I continue pulling things out for her.
“These are your notebooks. You use them for notes and science. But we don’t do science very much.Mostly you take them to assemblies and use them for special projects. This here is your science book. I know it’s really big,” I smile, but she doesn’t, “but like I said, we don’t do science very much. There’s the pencil sharpener,” I point to the back wall, “there’s the tissue box, and if you have to go to the bathroom you put your thumb up,” I show her, but she does nothing. I wave my thumb up in the air to show her, and she looks at me, not my hand. I scowl, or try not to. I give up and tell her to have fun with her new desk. I walk back to mine and sit down.
I listen to the teacher talk. What’s happening I wonder, Okay, focus. There’s a end-semester test in a few weeks. It’s going to be hard, I think. She keeps saying study for it… I finally relent and trail of into my own thoughts. The teacher was calling my name? I look up and realize, yes, she is looking at me. I nod.
“What did I say?” She tests me.
“It…there’s a test?”
She lowers her eyebrows impatiently and walks back to the whiteboard. I sigh in relief and look at Lacie. She is completely zoned out. I sortof giggle. I know it’s not polite, and the teacher looks around for the disturber; but I found it rather funny. Maybe she’s high.
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You need to work a little harder on this. It’s really good but it doesn’t really make sense and you have a few run on sentences. If you check your grammar and other things then i think that it’ll draw more attention.
’I stood up and pushed herself from her chair.’ This sentence is obviously just a mistake – but I thought I’d point it out to you.
You’re not quite using semi-colons correctly . . . from my experience, the less you use them, the better. But definitely try to correct your use of them. ‘The dress was beautiful, with ruffles around the low collar, and a singe around the waist; a lace strip just before the fluttery bottom.’ Especially in this sentence.
You do really well with dialog. Personally, I hate writing any kind of dialog and have to force myself to do it in the two books I’m writing. So well done on not only being able to write enough conversation to carry an active story, but on being able to do it well. :)
I didn’t really get a feel of where the story was going, or what it was going to be about even, but I suppose that’s the idea of these things – to get us hooked so that we want to read more. Good luck and keep at it.
I stood up and pushed herself from her chair. She walked to the office… – POV change. You’ve got a few instances where the verb tenses change. Watch out for those.
The woman, who was wearing a bright red dress…I don’t think this is important to the story. It also loses meaning since the next thing you describe is a girl in a purple dress. Try telling a little more about Lacie when Hazel first sees her. You describe the color of her dress, but how could you tell us more about her? Maybe the dress is too big or too small, or it looks like a secondhand dress. Perhaps it is brand new and Lacie sits very still so she won’t get it dirty. Those are just suggestions. Ask yourself these kinds of questions about your character, and then let the reader see some of those qualities once in a while.
I scowl, or try not to. – What do you mean here? It’s confusing.
Whenever you have thoughts of the character, make sure you distinguish it from dialogue and narration; thoughts are usually marked by italics.
At first this sounded like a normal school, but when Hazel started explaining things to Lacie, that changed for me. I hope that you will give your readers more insight into this school. Since I haven’t seen the rest of Chapter One, I don’t know exactly where your story is going. All I can say is keep working at it, and good luck.
Third paragraph: I stopd up and pushed herself from her chair. She walked to the office and… Etc.
Btw, if that IS the start of a new paragraph, drop another ‘enter’ in there so it splits up better :) Also, does Hazel do anything aside from look at the teacher? That seems rude not to say ‘yes sir/ma’am’ or something.
This has great potential but does need more polish, one could say. the last paragraph: Change ‘she’ to the teacher’s name. Also, more description of what the chars look like would be great. Lots of promise though. Keep at it!
you asked that some things be pointed out… so, here goes;
“I stood up and pushed herself”... (pointing out third person)
“I listen to the teacher talk.”... (maybe rephrase this)
”... What’s happening I wonder, Okay, focus. There’s a end-semester test in a few weeks. It’s going to be hard, I think. She keeps saying study for it… I finally relent and trail of into my own thoughts. The teacher was calling my name? I look up and realize, yes, she is looking at me. I nod.” (this seems confusing within the context of the rest)
i wish i knew where this story was going.
It’s a pretty interesting read. Caught me to want more to read. Good job with this one!
you should put the first part and this part together…more people would understand whats going on. You jump from past to present tense a lot. probably because you switched from third to first person. I make these same mistakes, but I know a much more skilled writer will point out these mistakes for you.
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