Thank you for your comment. I agree with you, so I’m gonna go rewrite it now. It was supposed to be “weird drama” mutters whatever that means…
Short Story / Elisa's drama
A young woman--around twenty by the looks of her--stepped out of her bedroom. She was dressed
in black. She heard a knock on the door.
“Come in,” Elisa siad.
A blonde woman stepped in and set a cup of coffee on the dresser. The blonde, Maureen, picked up
a brush and ran it through Elisa’s hair. Elisa nodded, she couldn’t speak just yet, and took a sip of
coffee. It was a very long drive to the graveyard, so Elisa left early. There was no traffic, lukily, so
she made it as her cousin arrived as well.
Elisa’s cousin, Darron Summers, was normally cheerful. Right now he was dressed in black and was
breathing deeply. He nodded at Elisa. Elisa walked towards him.
“I’m sorry, Elisa,” Darron said, “she was a good person.”
“Oh,” Elisa breathed, “it’s…” She shook her head, “I know you miss her, too.”
Elisa walked to her brother, Wilmer. She put her hand on his shoulder.
“It’s okay,” Elisa said softly, “she’s okay now.”
Wilmer nodded. It had been his sister, too. Elisa and Wilmer walked to the center of the green park.
Elisa walked across a busy street in the harsh wind. It whipped her hair and threw her skirt up. She
made it inside, to the Rainbow Center. She was on time. She pulled off her sweater so her blue
uniform shirt was visible. She walked into the playroom and noticed the children playing with the
puzzles.
“Okay, because we can’t go outside,” Elisa Raymond adressed the children, “we’re going to have our
snacks in here.”
The children looked at her, some clapped, some were too young to understand. Elisa turned around
and quickly tied her hair into a bun, and sat down by two young boys with trucks.
All day the wind was terrible. Elisa managed snack time before she left.
“Water first, then juice,” she told Jonathan, “Keep your food on your plate,” she reprimanded Susana.
They were in a small, carpeted room with plastic boxes on the walls containing the childrens’ shoes.
There was a large table and many plastic chairs of different colors, each of which the children had
claimed their own permanently. The little boy named Eliot didn’t eat; he just sat in his little red chair
and rocked it back and forth against the wall. Elisa kindly offered him a cracker sandwich like the
other children were having. The little blonde boy stared past her eyes and took it quickly.
“No, you don’t grab,” she said to him, as if it would matter whether or not she did tell him.
She shook her head and walked to the other kids. She congratulated a few kids on cleaning their
crumbs and for exelent use of their forks. But after snack time, it was another shift and Elisa was on
her way home.
When she was at home, she had to stumble inside from the wind.
“Maureen?” She asked, “Maureen? You home?”
Elisa figured she’d gone to the store or somthing similar; and she must have taken Jared with her. So
she took of her sweater and threw it on the dresser. She stepped into the kitchen and ckecked the
refridgerator. She found a jar of applesauce and poured herself a bowl. It was two PM, she saw,
when she looked at the clock. Elisa sat down and clicked the small TV on. It took less then five
minutes to find out nothing good was on, and Maureen was home within ten.
“Hi, Jared!”
The little black-haired boy wearing a dirty green sweater sat down by the tow box right after getting
home.
“Jared, did you really wear that sweater out today?”
Jared nodded absently. Maureen shook her head.
“Put things like that in the hamper,” she chided, “Here, give me that sweater.”
“No, mom,” He protested.
Maureen wrestled the jacket off her son and stuffed it in the laundry hamper.
“You don’t need a jacket inside, anyway,” Elisa agreed.
“Fine,” Jared scowled.
Elisa watched as Jared ran into the laundry room to throw his green sweater into the pile. Maureen
covered her mouth with her hand and laughed.
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MLSolari reviewed Version 1 -
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What, exactly, is the SeventhSanctum generator?
It didn’t really feel like this bit was going anywhere and what was encountered seemed entirely incomplete. She spends a brief moment at a funeral, a brief moment at work, and a brief moment talking to her son? End of story?
It seems like you should be able to extend each of those three things to have many, many more core points to them to make this bit more worth reading.
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perfectlypep reviewed Version 1 -
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This piece was difficukt to read due the problems with formatting. It also sort of wandered so i couldnt understand where we were going or sense any sort of resolution.
One “sticking point” was that I couldnt figure out the connection between the funeral and the character’s time with the children. Were the children she was with children of the deceased?
It sounds like the story was clear in your head, but the reader is going to need more in order to follow the plot. Would love to see the rewrites – thanks for sharing!
poetking reviewed Version 1 -
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please look at the way you set out your story, spacing and prjection of what is being told, needs to be much tighter! its good as a basis to improve, i like it, and would like to see more material if you have it?
bittersweetmemory reviewed Version 1 -
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i felt the story did not develop into what you may have originally attempted to present to the reader… it wanders a bit aimlessly…
i would re-gather my thoughts and expound.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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So this chapter is basically like a big tease in the beginning. I want to know who died, but I have to read more to find that out. As for her going to work and home those two parts really had no meaning. It showed me she worked at a day daycare and that Maureen had a son, but nothing else. I think Urbis messed up your format also, because a lot of sentences have gaps in it.
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