Poetry / A Monarch’s Revolution (Analysis)

I think all poetry is beautiful, so this is likely to be a useless review.

I like the second line, the use of the word to. It’s very rhythmic. I’d get rid of all uses of the word “butterfly” and leave that to the imagination. The lines I think should be rephrased, “Blackened fields consumed my vision” it’s just not as poetic. And, “Bloodless as a carnivore’s prey ” that just doesn’t make any sense to me. And the line, “Bloodless as a carnivore’s prey ” should be moved. It doesn’t belong right where it is.

I meant to help, and if I didn’t it’s my fault. It was good poetry, you should be proud of it.

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May 23, 2008

by Scarlet_Afflictions

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
22	64.7% (17 votes)	38.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
22	F	Arnold, MD	June 06

“Bloodless as a carnivore’s prey”

When a carnivore, say a lion for instance, eats it’s prey: a zebra…the prey is torn open and bleeds out. By bleeding out, no blood remains in the body, hence, “bloodless.”

Thanks for your review.

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For a minute when I read the title I thought the subject was royalty. Great flow of words and the use of small case makes the poor insect even smaller in his dying moments.

I would love to know what made you write this. This is a beautiful poem. The imagery is great. The wording you used made me see the story as it unfolded, and I can see the journey’s end, knowing the beauty of being yourself, not what someone makes you be.

Perhaps I should create an autotext and make this easier to do each time I review a writing:
Punctuation, punctuation, punctuation!
I had to read and re-read this in order to gather the emotion of which there is considerable.  The idea is powerful, but the lack of construction weakens the power considerably.  I would hope to see something else from you, with your thoughts expressed through proper punctuations, because I see a lot of potential in your heart.

Tom W

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June 08, 2008

by neophytepoetess

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
61	65.0% (20 votes)	52.7%

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41	F	United States	August 15

I am so glad you said it! I have to admit that before I took a creative writing class I never realized poetry was written in full and complete sentences and grammar DOES count! Ha ha :)

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Not bad.

It felt a little bitter, if you know what I mean, still good though.

Some parts seemed staggered, as if you stopped several times and lost the emotion you were feeling.

I liked it.

It’s hard to say how much I enjoyed that. It’s a piece of writing that, like so few ever do, opens your mind and plays with a truth behind it that’s so difficult to find. Your wording is absolutely wonderful, and the power you inject into each and every line never falters, and continually led me forward as I read. It pushed the envelope of space that my mind was currently occupying, and it challenged my mind to see what there is to be seen.

Excellent. It bothers me only slightly that the lines are without commas, but I can’t take off anything for that. It’s a personal preference only.

Thanks for a great read.

Bloodless as a carnivore’s prey
Filled yourself at my price

As your fingers wrapped around my heart
Weakened from the iron chains

Ugly worms wrapped in silk
Emerged golden butterflies galore

very nice…i love your use of imagery…like me, you like to use a lot of imagery,  i think its one of the best ways to describe subjects and feelings in pieces… from top to bottom it is a sad but an up lifting piece. overall it is very well written…

This a great poem. My only complaint is towards the end.  You are leaving the mess, you have broken free, you are scared, but you will stay strong.  but then at the end we are back to the you being harmed again.  I recommend moving the sentences from “For all the times you ever touched me” to “But a dark and heavy frost” to just after “Madness infested a once pleasant mind”  That way you end the poem with you breaking free.  I love this poem and I will add it to my favs.

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May 17, 2008

by Scarlet_Afflictions

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
22	64.7% (17 votes)	38.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
22	F	Arnold, MD	June 06

Thank you very much for your insight. I am glad you enjoyed this piece and I took your advice and readt through it myself with an open mind. I see what you mean, thank you so much!

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