Thanks so much and yes you are right about line 5 and 6. just posted some more plz review them.
Poetry / Colors (Analysis)
If I were to tear my skin off, would you see me?
If I were to rip my tounge from my mouth would you hear me?
If I were to scrape my scalp apart and bash away the brain would you think me smart?
Perhaps if I were to turn to shreds your ears you would hear me.
Perhaps if I gashed at your eyes you would see my view. Perhaps if I
picked to pieces the parts of that pathetic mentality you would be smart.
Colors are for sunsets
and rainbows
and flowers.
Skin is a dressing by which you curse me. The paleness of my palms
brings burdens. A past we were not apart of dances in my shadow.
You look at me.
I cannot see you.
You curse me.
I cannot speak.
You are right.
I am forever wrong.
Colors are for rainbows
and sunsets
and flowers.
No mind but yours.
No voice but yours.
No sight but yours.
I wish to melt away this flesh? Do you? I wish to live in pride of my parents.
Will you let me? I wish to be heard, appreciated, respected. Will you give it to me?
Colors are for flowers
for rainbows
for sunsets.
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cap10martini reviewed Version 1 -
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Some of your spacing seeems wrong. If you write everything in one line in a poem you are suggesting that it should be read without stopping. I found this hard to do at times it did not feel right. The line about colors is brillant, but once was enough.
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TomWatson reviewed Version 1 -
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Powerfully expressed yet subtle. Your repetition of the lines:
“Colors are for flowers
for rainbows
for sunsets.”
is perfect.
The one thing I would want to look at though are the 5th and 6th lines. I would want to maintain consistency with the starting “Perhaps if I …” into line 6. If I might suggest:
“Perhaps if I picked away at your pathetic mentality, you would be smart.”
I was pleased to have the opportunity to review this work. I hope you give us more.
Tom W.
Christof reviewed Version 1 -
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This was interesting.
A little vague in parts.
“Skin is a dressing by which you curse me. The paleness of my palms
brings burdens. A past we were not apart of dances in my shadow.”
This all seemed to run together and I had to read it several times to get my head around it.
Also the poem seems to end abruptly to me, is there more to it?
Over all I did enjoy it.
LA_Alirie reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s really quite…um….creepy. Is that what you were aiming for?
In paragrapgh (if that’s what you call it) the line “You curse me” doesn’t seem to fit, if not at all.
One last thing, the second-to-last paragraph should be rephrased just a little. Other than that I think it’s ready for publication. Sorry this might be a useless review, but I really don’t see anything wrong. It’s easy to interpret many different ways.
angknott reviewed Version 1 -
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very interesting. writer’s frustration & anger come through clearly. I think many people can relate to this piece of work. i like the repeating of ‘colors are for flowers, for rainbows, for sunsets.” very strong poem.
B_HDouglas reviewed Version 1 -
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Keep writing like this and you will make a lot of people happy and proud to know you. Here is a deal; no more waiting, everyone is beautiful-=Today=-
LAluver4ever reviewed Version 1 -
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I love reading things that I can relate to, and I can definitely relate to this. I’m amazed – it’s almost like you took my thoughts and wrote them down. Very well done!
poetking reviewed Version 1 -
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Good context and shows promise
brianna319 reviewed Version 1 -
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This puts me in an “I’ve been there” kind of feeling. The feelings are real. I like this. Line 10 is my favourite. “Skin is a dressing by which you curse me.” This is very true. People judge like that. Your point of view is one that many don’t see. I’d like to see more poetry like this from you.
Scarlet_Afflictions reviewed Version 1 -
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What a powerful display of emotion! Your beginning three lines really caught my attention, they caught my interest immediately. I can feel the anger when I read this, a blinding color of red. Way to go!
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