the asterisk was to be pu tin place of censored words. this is because i want reviews from all age audiences, even though there would be a somewhat explicit word there
Novel Treatments / Pyro - where the family is founded (Analysis)
It was a dark night, one where the moon was clouded and invisible to all but wolves, and the invitations sent out to the leaders of the 5 species were clear, be ready to flee, but ready to fight. The forest growing around the meeting point was filled with fearsome creatures, and Hinairusu didn’t want to linger.
He and his pack sat on top of the hill.
He had heard the call sent up only hours beforehand, and had rushed to the meeting point. Now he just sat and waited. The still breeze didn’t do anything to help the pack as it waited for the rest to arrive.
A few minutes of boredom later Hinairusu and his pack slowly stalk around the prey, the silent forms of the wolves coordinated without a single word, their minds linked through Hinairusu. As he gave the signal, a single wolf padded slowly forward, into the clearing of humans.
“Aww a lone wolf” said one, “Let us kill and skin it.”
As the man moved towards the wolf, Hinairusu and the rest of the pack struck, the men falling without a sound, only the one that moved was left alive, encircled by wolves.
“**” he muttered, reaching for his knife.
“Put the knife down and we will not kill you” Hinairusu telepathically told the man, “We are only interested in retrieving our brethren from your cages”
As the guys eyes widened after hearing this, he started to back away,
“No… Not you… it can’t be…” he fell over, the hard earth welcoming him, knowing he would never stand again.
The vampire delegate was early as always, the werewolf delegate arrived, expressing his distaste at the company by ruffling his sleek silver fur, the undead ambassador rose just to come to the meeting, Hinairusu was speaking on behalf of the elementals, but the final delegate was missing. The hunters had been removed, and the ground was awaiting the final member to arrive, a member of the fallen race.
Then a voice from behind, calling out from the darkness of the woods,
“Hin, you should be thankful I was there, you may not have noticed, but the cause of death on the last hunter was an arrow… from my quiver.”
Hinairusu’s hood slid forward, the black sheet only pierced by the light his eyes emanates, as he turned to Reagrion, he muttered “Next time watch your back, your stunt with that arrow nearly cost you your life.” He turned and welcomed the other members, indicating everyone to sit around a table. But as the final member began to sit on his earthen seat, a hoard of orcs came running through the trees.
Surprised, the werewolf delegate fell to the onslaught, the undead ambassador retreated to the ground, wary of another ambush, and Hinairusu instantly started to cast a spell.
As the vampire delegate noticed Hinairusu casting, he instantly jumped to the wrong conclusion, and started to attack him…
Amongst the fight, all thoughts of the Angel are lost; until two figures suddenly realize again: Hinairusu and Leansi – the vampire leader. His life was a sacrifice Reagrion was willing to make, as it meant he would not kill Hinairusu.
The spell obliterated the hoard, unfortunately taking with it 2 wolves; then silence. Next a dull thunk and flutter of wings as Leansi’s body fell from the sky, two perfect holes through the top of his skull, and Reagrion rose into the clouds, almost as silently as the night itself. The other three living delegates suspected he would not be back for a long time, and were already pondering who would replace the vampire leader, but there could only be one choice, Countess Xaolin, whose manor Reagrion was already entering; although it was through the back window.
In the darkest part, of the tallest tree, was a pair of pale blue eyes, watching and waiting for the perfect opportunity. They belonged to a dark angel called Kirstilla. Her piercing blue eyes couldn’t be missed, nether could her bright blonde hair. She sat and watched, as she wondered…
Hinairusu dropped to the floor, tired by his sudden casting, which was interrupted slightly by Rea’s arrow flying past his ear, and that brief slip caused the spell to kill two of his wolves. As Hinairusu cried, his resurrection spell started to work. His pack all cried for their lost ones, and the bodies of the deceased started to glow a fiendish purple, a sight that would have terrified most of the passersby – if there were any. The tears were reviving the dead wolves, a spell Hinairusu cast over all of his wolves in case any should die. As long as something remains they can be brought back. When the pack was restored to its full strength, Hinairusu looked round. Only to find Rea was missing. Hinairusu knew he wasn’t going to get a chance to thank him in a hurry, so he ordered his pack to move; “come-on guys, this meeting is over, the peace is unattainable now. let’s go back to our camp,” and with that Hinairusu, now in his wolf form again, and the pack of arctic wolves left the battleground, leaving the dead where they lay, and the living to take care of themselves. The only remainder of the delegates was the devil, who disappeared after Hinairusu left.
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SwordMistress reviewed Version 3 -
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spincycletexas reviewed Version 1 -
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This is good. I really like it. My only complaint is that it is a bit confusing. I would like a bit more description of who these characters are so that I can get a feel for them. Keep it up this is good.
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Static reviewed Version 1 -
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Ok, there is GREAT potential in this story… but it still needs a lot of work. I think that you should probably put a little bit more effort into the description of the meeting at the start as it seems like you’re skipping this part to go straight into the fighting (which really takes away from the impact of the sudden battle). I suggest you do this by focussing on describing your characters a little bit further; I found myself wondering who was who and part of what clan.
You mentioned that Hinairusu was controlling a pack of wolves at the start of this chapter… Instantly the image of Hinairusu himself being a wolf popped into my head and I instantly assumed “warewolves..” But then you mention that the warewolves arrive and that Hinairusu is the reprisentative of the elementals. At this stage I was extremely confused; not only did it seem like the character had flip-flopped, but I couldnt understand what telepathy and shapeshifting had to do with being an elemental.
You also seemed to introduce a LOT of characters really quickly without explaining what they were or really introducing their character to us (believe me, I know from my own story how hard this is… but it has to be done) and, as a result, the reader is not really emotionally attatched to what happens in the battle scene (we dont really care who survives and who dies)
The battle scene itself seemed to come out of nowhere. I understand that you want this to be a suprise attack anyway… but, to enhance the effect of this, perhaps you should really vividly describe the appearance (in both senses of the word: physical appearance and his act of appearing) to the reader. Try and write a literary version of the slow-motion walk (if that makes sense). Then, when the attack comes the second he sits down, it will seem more sudden AND more meaningful.
Also, the battle scene itself – which, I’m guessing, is supposed to be the main point of this story – seems very rushed. I think you should go into greater detail describing this. For example, tell the reader what KIND of spell Hinairusu casted; was it a fire spell or a wind spell or…?
Ok, that was all off the top of my head. Now I’m going to re-read the piece and tell you, bit-by-bit, what I think needs improving (again, I know from writing my own novel how helpful this kind of review is and I believe that your story has enough potential to warrant my effort in giving you this kind of review)
“It was a dark night, one where the moon was clouded and invisible to all but wolves, and the invitations sent out to the leaders of the 5 species were clear, be ready to flee, but ready to fight.” – I think this sentence should be broken up a little better as it comes across as a little long-winded and cross-eyed… Try something like “It was a dark night[;] one where the moon was clouded and invisible to all but wolves[.] The invitations sent out to the leaders of the [five] species were clear[:] be ready to flee, but ready to fight.” (I also changed a bit of grammar as I felt it was necissary. The changing of the comma in the first sentence to a semi-colon is optional. The full-stop before you start talking about the invitations breaks up an otherwise long sentence into two smaller parts that make complete sense. The changing of “5” to “five” is optional; it makes your piece seem more intellegent when you write the full name of numbers that are less that ten. The change of “five species were clear: be ready to flee, but ready to fight.” is necissary)
“A few minutes of boredom later[,] Hinairusu…”
“the silent forms of the wolves coordinated without a single word[;] their minds linked” – This is optional
The above sentence gets a little confusing in points… For example, “the prey” is stated before the reader even knows WHAT the prey is (and this is the first time you’ve mentioned the prey). I think you should change “the” to “their” as this would make MUCH more sense. Also, starting the sentence “A few minutes of boredom later” sounds very low-brow and brings down the tone of the chapter. Perhaps this could be something like “After several uneventful minutes, Hinairusu and his pack began to slowly stalk their prey”
“As the man moved towards the wolf, Hinairusu and the rest of the pack struck. The men fell without a sound and only one was left alive, encircled by wolves.” – Just a suggestion.
““**” he muttered” ...He muttered “asterisk asterisk” while reaching for his knife? ...If the man’s just groaning or muttering, just say it; “the man groaned, reaching for his knife.
“Hinairusu telepathically told the man” – This sounds a little too plain and straightforward (it feels like you’re smacking the reader in the face with the idea). Try something like… “came Hinairusu’s telepathic warning” ...or something (that’s just off the top of my head, so I’m sure you can do much better)
“As the guys eyes widened” – “guys”? Surely you can get more literary than that… Firstly, it would be “guy’s” but I think you should aim for a description other than “guy”... maybe “man”. Heck, it wouldnt even hurt to throw in a brief description of him, like “As the cowering man’s eyes widened…” for example
“he fell over[.] The hard earth welcomed him, knowing he would never stand again.” – I feel that separating this sentence like this gives the second half of the sentence MUCH more of an impact.
“The vampire delegate was early as always. The werewolf delegate arrived, expressing his distaste at the company by ruffling his sleek silver fur. The undead ambassador rose just to come to the meeting and Hinairusu was…” – You get the idea…
“The hunters had been removed, and the ground was awaiting the final member to arrive, a member of the fallen race.” I believe that, as you’ve already stated that the meeting is only waiting on one more race, you can cut out the rest of this sentence. If it were my story, I’d leave it at “A member of the fallen race” as this gives this status more of an impact.
“you should be thankful I was there[.] You may not have noticed, but”
“an arrow… [F]rom my quiver.”
“Hinairusu’s hood slid forward, the black sheet only pierced by the light his eyes emanates” Ok, this sentence confused me a bit; I couldnt figure out how the hood could slide FORWARD… But, it’s your story I guess. Perhaps if you allude to the fact that the hood is rather large (and therefore able to cover his face). Also “only pierced by the light his eyes emanates” would be better as something like “only pierced by the light emanated from his eyes” or, if you want to keep the same sentence structure “only pierced by the light [that] his eyes emanate” (no ’s’ on the end of “emanate”)
“Turning to Reagrion, he muttered” (tightenning up the sentence and cutting the repetition of “he”). Also, just an amusing note, the first time I read the name “Reagrion” I read it as “Reagroin” (Re-groin)
“Next time[,] watch your back[.] Your stunt with that arrow nearly cost you your life[!]” – Just some suggestions.
“indicating [for] everyone to…” – Just a suggestion
“But as the final member began to sit on his earthen seat, a hoard of orcs came running through the trees.” – This sentence comes out of nowhere; one moment the reader is waiting for the final member to arrive, the next moment the final member is there and now taking a seat – followed suddenly by an attack. If this were my story, I would start a new paragraph for the appearance of the orc and describe in detail his ominous appearance. Spend two or three lines describing him (the clothes he wears, his physical appearance, the way he walks, etc.) and then, as he sits down, suddenly an attack from the orcs comes… But that’s just me.
“Surprised, the werewolf delegate fell to the onslaught[.] The undead ambassador retreated to the ground [and], wary of another ambush, Hinairusu instantly [began] to cast a spell.” – First, a problem with the listing in one long sentence again. Next, the “and”: I understand that I’ve altered the meaning of this passage completely, but it seems to me that – if Hinairusu has time to cast a spell in time to take out the orcs – it’s really only Hinairusu that’s wary of the ambush. Finally, “began” gives the sentence a better sound.
“Amongst the fight, all thoughts of the Angel are lost; until two figures suddenly realize again: Hinairusu and Leansi – the vampire leader. His life was a sacrifice Reagrion was willing to make, as it meant he would not kill Hinairusu.” You may want to revise these few sentences completely; I haven’t got the slightest clue what’s going on here.
“Next a dull thunk and flutter of wings as Leansi’s body fell from the sky, two perfect holes through the top of his skull[.] Reagrion rose into the clouds, almost as silently as the night itself.” ...Um, HOW does Reagroin rise into the clouds? There is never a mention of him being able to fly.
The next few sentences are very hard to follow on first reading. You may want to revise these.
“In the darkest part, of the tallest tree, was a pair of pale blue eyes, watching and waiting for the perfect opportunity.” – This sentence appears to come out of nowhere. If it wasnt so short, I’d suggest leaving a line between this and the previous paragraph.
Do you see what I mean about the battle-scene (and a few other scenes) seeming extremely rushed?
“Hinairusu dropped to the floor, tired by his sudden casting, which was interrupted slightly by Rea’s arrow flying past his ear[.] That brief slip had caused the spell to kill two of his wolves.” – Although I believe that this explanation of why the spell killed the two wolves should come WHEN or WHILE the two wolves are killed, it’s up to you… But I HAVE suggested that you break this sentence up.
“His pack all cried for their lost ones, and the bodies of the deceased started to glow a fiendish purple[.] [It was] a sight that would have terrified most of the passersby – if there were any.” – I’ve suggested how you may want to fix up this sentence if you choose to keep it… However “terrified most of the passersby” suggests that there ARE passersby and that only the majority (and not all) of them would be terrified. You may want to revise this sentence.
“The tears were reviving the dead wolves, a spell Hinairusu cast over all of his wolves in case any should die.” - A slighty redundant sentence that, again, seems to smack the reader across the face with its meaning.
“As long as something remains [of the wolves,] they can be brought back.”
“When the pack was…” – should begin a new paragraph.
“Hinairusu looked [a]round, only to find [that] Rea was missing.”
““come-on guys[.] [T]his meeting is over[;] the peace is unattainable now. [L]et’s go back to camp,”” dialogue should always begin a new paragraph, unless it is following dialogue from the same character. I’ve made some gramatical suggestions. Also, I’ve suggested you remove the word “our” as the character would not naturally say that. ALSO, the reader will be able to figure out that Hinairusu means THEIR camp; not the orcs camp, for example.
““come-on guys, this meeting is over, the peace is unattainable now. let’s go back to our camp,” and with that Hinairusu, now in his wolf form again, and the pack of arctic wolves left the battleground, leaving the dead where they lay, and the living to take care of themselves.” – a VERY long sentence, consider revising.
“The only remainder of the delegates was the devil, who disappeared after Hinairusu left.” ....This comes out of nowhere; you mention that five delegates are to attend the meeting, the delegates for: the elementals, the vampires, the warewolves, the undead and the orcs… So why do you call “the devil” a delegate? Who does this reffer to? Is it reffering to the ACTUAL devil? Or is it symbolic for the orc? Or do you mean the mysterious angel? If not, then why were those at the meeting ALSO waiting for the angel? The angel, along with the devil, makes SEVEN delegates; not five. These are all questions that your readers will be asking (although it’s good to leave the readers asking questions at the end of the chapter, THESE are not the kinds of questions you want the reader asking.
AAAAAAALL of that said, it is STILL an intriguing story that, I feel, will be a GREAT read when you’ve polished it up a little bit. Despite the many chances for improvement I found (which will usually put a reader off), you managed to keep my interest. Good luck with the alterations!
LLee reviewed Version 1 -
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For a writer your age, you have incredible potential. But there is much you need to work on and learn. This chapter needs alot of work. There are several problems with it. First- there is a major clash of present and past tense. You switch between them, and it is very detrimental to the reader taking the story seriously. Second, you need to slow down. Alot. You are providing too much information at once. The beginning of a novel should be relatively slow, and should provide the setting, time, and a limited amount of characters in order to set up the reader for the kind of action that you have in the first chapter. It is too much, too fast. It was disappointing to me because there are many beautiful sentences and ideas in the story, but I didn’t have time to absorb them, or create any sort of setting, time frame, or structure of characters in my mind. You say that you like Tolkien, and I think you should let that influence your storytelling style a bit more, because Tolkien is known for doing the opposite of what you have done- he overdoes it when it comes to setting, time, and culture establishment. Anyway, don’t give up on writing this story- there are many great elements about the way you write, which is why I gave you a higher rating for talent than anything else.
PawPrintsOfLife reviewed Version 1 -
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I believe I read this before.. from you.. but I think you’ve changed a characters name… but over all I would run through it again your self and see if you pick up on some of the mistakes..
but one that stuck out the most to me was this one:
‘you may not have noticed, but the cause of death on the last hunter was an arrow’
on I believe should be of? I’m not sure.. but over all is a good read..
poetking reviewed Version 1 -
Read 33% of the Item
this is good, but spacing and a little more attention to expression and puntuation would be a big attribute
bittersweetmemory reviewed Version 1 -
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your story is more than intriguing…
although, the characters lack definition and background… the story line is vague and dances around a bit too much… yet, i certainly see the potential for a compelling novel wrapped around a very interesting premise. give it more “meat”.
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