Thank you so much for taking the time to review this chapter. Thank you for advising me to make clear distinctions between a character’s inner thoughts and my narration.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Underland: The Dark Reign (Analysis)
CH 2
The Emperor screamed in anger. He was lying face down with two stone trees weighing two tons on top of him. Using the energy from the Power to enhance his arm strength, Charek easily pushed himself up to a kneeling position. The stone trees rolled off of him and loudly crashed to the ground.
Krof!
The Cravatan jumped to his feet, whirling around in search of Argen and his Crown. I was so close to having what is rightfully mine!
A shiver ran up his spine. Charek’s thoughts screamed at him for failing to recover the Crown. But he sensed something else was wrong.
There was a change in the flow of the Power. He felt as strong as before but it seemed as if some of the energy from the Power had been drained off.
Charek shivered again. Something is not right, thought the Emperor. He quickly forgot about the importance of recovering the Crown. He took out two tan, eleven inch sticks and placed each one of them in his hands.
With a strained word of command he ascended into the air
“Have you retrieved the Crown, Charek?”
For a moment the Emperor was startled to see the transparent figure of Nord hovering in front of him.
”Nay, I failed” replied Charek after a moment from being startled. He pointed to the trench then to the stone trees that fell on him.
“I fired my weapon at Argen but it hit that damnable ensorcelled sack containing the Crown. My beam was deflected away and into these rock trees. Because of these trees falling me I was unable to retrieved the Crown.”
“You lack wit!” Nord pulled off the hooded cowl to reveal a handsome, red haired man with blue eyes. His tone of voice was a mixture of anger and disbelief.
Charek jumped at the sudden outburst.
Nord’s blue eyes suddenly turned red with malevolence in them. “Always excuses! I feel that you have failed me one too many times, Charek.” Nord saw the Cravatan as a stooge and regretted ever enslaving his soul. However, the Dark One knew that this failure was due to Fate getting in the way of their plans rather than Charek screwing up an easy assignment as usual.
Nord’s voice, which sounded as if it was from the grave turned menacing.
“Do you wish for the prophecy to come true?”
Charek swallowed hard but it was not the reaction Nord had hoped for. “Why would I wish for my own destruction, milord?”
Nord could not be sure if Charek only made just another one of his stupid replies or mocked him.
“That is an unknown answer which only you can answer yourself.” Nord noticed Charek beginning shiver and he smiled viciously at the Emperor’s discomfort.
Nord knew that the Power had been altered when the Portal between Underland and the Abovelands opened up. The Dark One felt a presence pass through the Portal then the sensation vanished. Any further thought was interrupted by a beep at Charek’s waist. A communication technician
respectively told him that his presence was needed on the Ecallipian Plain.
Charek’s arrogance swept away his fears and in a haughty manner asked why his presence was required.
”The Crown has been located in a Cigeren village.”
He received the coordinates to the nomadic people’s seasonal village and placed the communicator into one of his pockets.
“Venture forth, Charek and retrieve the Crown and so that we can finally conquer all of Underland!” Nord clenched his fists and the smooth skin turned rotted and noisome.
I….will” Charek’s voice quaked. With a mental command to the Sticks of Flight, he flew towards the Ecallipian Plain.
Nord remained hovering in the air to watch the man he considered a fool disappear into the distance. The Dark one regretted giving the moron the Rod of Power.
Far too much time has been diverted from conquering Underland to trying to find the other half of the Crown. He decided to let Charek figure out for himself whether or not the Prophecy was being fulfilled. The Dark One was certain the Savior had entered Underland but Nord would not know the location of the Savior until he or she tapped into the Power. As Nord disappeared to return his Realm of the Dead, he imagined enslaving the Savior’s soul and Charek dead.
**
Fifty miles away George climbed out of small crater that his impact with the ground created. He marveled at still being alive and being able to push the one ton stalactite off of him. He brushed the dust off of himself as he stood up to take in his surroundings. He first noticed the sky was gray and overcast like on a rainy day and he heard only the moaning of the wind blowing through the stone tree forest.
He scratched his head from seeing such an odd sight and he wondered where he was and then he felt a throbbing on his left arm. He looked at it and he became alarmed. His heart thumped against his chest as he stepped backwards and held his left arm out, away from him as if it was something noisome. The throbbing stopped but then his Casio watch began to glow white but then stopped.
”I don’t understand this” said George who brought his arm closer to him and he noticed that his watch had stopped at 1:30p.m. He slapped the watch twice to make it start working again and when that failed he lowered his arm to his side with a sigh. He noticed the crater he had made to
his left which made him wonder where Sandy was. George cupped his hands around his mouth and called out to his friend several times only for his echo to bounce off the stone trees. His throat tightened but he refused to give into threatening tears. George told himself to walk out of the forest so that his voice can be heard but that still did not answer his question of where he was.
“Go north, you’ll always find somebody there.” It was remembered advice his grandfather once told him if he ever became lost in the woods. George shook his head at the absurdity of the advice from an old man.
Despite his doubtfulness of the advice George turned and looked down at the base of one of the stone trees to see moss growing on the north side of the tree. He remembered his grandfather telling him that moss always grows on the north side of a tree.
“That’s crazy” mumbled George.
He remembered the time he was visiting his grandfather in Alaska when he gave George this advice plus a compass. He walked a few paces but stopped. But that was when we were south of Anchorage, thought George, and I knew people would be there.
A disturbing thought entered his mind that made his stomach knot with anxiety. He resumed walking but with hesitant steps when the same thought reentered his mind again.
What if there were no people here?
George frowned at the thought and he wondered if he died and went to Hell rather than to Heaven. But where were the fire and the pitchforks?
After about an hour of walking, agonizing over his predicament he reached the end of the stone forest. He cocked an ear when heard a sound. He ran forward out of the forest and his hopes soared when he saw two women across a well paved road running out of a coniferous forest and through a grassy plain. He rushed out onto the road, screaming at the top of his lungs and madly waving his hands. He noticed one was a tall blonde woman and her friend was medium sized with dark hair.
They were armed with weapons resembling crossbows. George shouted again and he entered the field but stopped dead in his tracks when several ungodly creatures came rushing out of the forest.
George watched the dark haired woman spin around, aim her empty crossbow and shoot a bolt of light at one of the creatures. George backed away, hoping his shouts weren’t heard by those creatures.
”Cease movement!”
George spun around to find the owner of the voice that came from behind him. His back suddenly became rigid when he saw several more of those ungodly creatures which were nearly seven feet tall. The creatures rushed towards him with tridents raised over their heads. Their sloped back foreheads, overhanging brow ridges, fang like teeth and their eyes the color of charcoal burned an indelible image in George’s mind.
”Cease movement or face elimination!”
George noticed a squat human man dressed in a black uniform with four bars on his right sleeve, pointing at him, ordering him to stop again.
There were several more human soldiers in black uniforms along with five more of those creatures.
But George did the opposite as the creatures drew nearer to him and he turned to run but not before one of the creatures struck him in the head with a trident.
“Eliminate the malcontent!”
The blow knocked George to the ground. He landed face down in the dirt but immediately jumped to his feet, shouting.
”Stop! No ELIMINATE! No ELIMINATE!”
The creatures began to pummel George’s body with their tridents when suddenly two green beams came out of his wristwatch, decapitating one of the creatures. The beams continued through the creature’s head and seared off the shoulder of another one.
The second beam struck the road causing a gaping hole to be made, showering the black uniformed soldiers with perrocrete, a stronger derivative of concrete.
George shrieked in fear as did the surviving creatures. The soldiers shot him in the head and torso but the usual deadly laser darts harmlessly bounced off of him.
George spun around, unaware of his good fortune and sprinted off through the grassy plain, disappearing into the coniferous forest.
The squat Cravatan captain saw the powerful green beam kill the two Trolongs and made half of a dozen others in the platoon run off. The strange man was shot at point blank range and lived! The captain knew only of one of other person who could harbor such might but that legend
was only a child’s tale. But what he saw was real and he told himself that he must inform his commanding officer. The captain quickly reached for his communicator when a slab of perrocrete fell on his head, crushing it.
The two fleeing women, the blonde name Troco and the dark haired woman name Nannia scrambled up a grassy knoll and headed towards a lake near a city.
“We must make a stand and slay these filthy creatures” rasped Nannia. She cursed when she was able to get a breath.
“Take a stand by those trees” it hurt Troco’s lungs even to breath let alone talk. She and her friend did not slow down because their merciless enemy was twenty yards behind them.
The two women crashed through a stand of trees, whirled around and began shooting at the Trolongs. Three were shot dead by being taken by surprise, causing the other Trolongs to scatter until they were reinforced by more of their kind. The Trolong numbers soon swelled as reinforcements came charging up the knoll. Nannia and Troco both pulled out grenades and threw them at the charging enemy.
The grenades looked and exploded like the real ones to the Trolongs. They expected to be torn apart by shrapnel as their charge became disorganized but instead they were engulfed in heavy cloud of harmless white smoke. At realizing they had been fooled, the entire company of Trolongs roared with rage and impotently fired in all directions due to the disorienting smoke.
Nannia knew the terrain well and led the way while Troco used her thermal imaging scope attached to her crossbow to pick off the Trolongs. Three minutes later, Nannia found a camouflaged rock overhang by the lake. They crawled into the cramped space that had a view of the city. The women bitterly realized someone had tipped off Charek’s forces about their mission.
Their contact was to rendezvous with them in the city where they would be given a precious “package.”
The Crown.
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Reviews
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 2 -
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This 99 word review has not been unlocked.
Plain_Jane reviewed Version 2 -
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1st line “with a third soldier walking behind them pointing a pistol at the prisoner’s head and hold a first aid kit.” I think you meant to say holding a first aid kit.
The first paragraph itself is interesting but doesn’t seem to flow well. The wording is off. I think some of the sentences should be shortened. I mean technically they are not run on sentences but are a bit difficult to read as written.
”The soldier with the stun baton returned it to his holster and like his partners, stood at attention but looked towards the approaching person and nodded deferentially towards the newcomer and made way for him.
Or for her.” Why do you just not say “made way for her” ? Also doen’t flow well.
Caracet saw him stiffen and looked at her menacingly but she stood her ground, unimpressed by the sight of the seven foot fall, one inch husband. Just a typo in this sentence, seven foot tall.
In his mind someone was(a) fiend or (fiendish) by being inarticulate and uncivilized. I was a king and a leader of armies!
I found it extremely hard to follow. It seemed as if thoughts were all over the place. The dialog was also hard to follow which was internal and actually spoken. I was starting to comment on each thing I found to make sure it was being very SPECIFIC and CONCISE.. But that would have cost you alot of credits so, I will end by saying … I think the story line is very interesting but it does not flow very well, very hard to read. Run it through a spell and grammer check also before you submit.
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Kimbers reviewed Version 2 -
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An interesting piece of Sci-fi.
You’ve set up a solid world for your characters to reside in. The description of the setting is top notch. That sense of confinement for the n ow deposed king is clear, and tangible.
The twist concerning his ex wife is an intriguing one. Initially sounding like betrayal on her part but later becoming clear that he has in a sense bought this fate upon himself.
There is evidence of back story, which I am assuming stems from the previous piece, and the brief references to that are well placed and just enough to keep the story moving forward.
One thing that confused me slightly with this piece was the conversation and thought of the characters. I found myself re-reading certain sentences to make sure I was clear on who was saying what. Incidently the thoughts in the text were confusing. Without isolating them with italics or brackets it was a little hard to follow and make sense of them.
The chapter is a decent length, not too long to bore the reader, (I can’t stand long chapters), and not too short to make you think there’s any information missing.
This promises to be as interesting piece. Keep it up.
DragonQueen reviewed Version 2 -
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propensity
What?
I liked it, but it was hard to get into. Try getting a good hook at the beginning.
You have 51 was’s in this. Try to get rid of as many as you can.
Your flow was good though.
SwordMistress reviewed Version 2 -
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The length is fine. But, at parts it didn’t flowed very well. The name reason is there were several point of view shifts. The jumping from head to head was jarring and made hard to stay in the story.
It was hard to tell whose point of view the beginning was in. It seemed like it was Membir’s been then all the references to “the prisoner” seemed off. Membir does not seem like someone who would refer to himself as a prisoner.
Some of the dialogue was also stiff particularly Caracet’s.
I think that if you cleared up the point of view issues this would flow very well. You start out in Membir’s pov for the first part, then put in a line space to alert the reader and switch to Caracet’s
ShadowHeadley reviewed Version 1 -
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Intriguing, holds interest well, and follows through on the same level. The crown, this is the only thing that doesn’t have a definite meaning to it. I mean what is it for, this is kinda left out. I liked it very well. Maybe a little different on the fight scene, the whole impervious to projectiles is too much like superman, but the watch was a nice touch.
sunriseno2 reviewed Version 1 -
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This flows wonderfully I’d like to see the whole thing!! Good luck
martykate reviewed Version 1 -
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Maybe I’m a little critical because I haven’t read the first chapter so I don’t know what’s going on. What I’m seeing now is a story that is sort of mixed up and it’s hard to tell just exactly what is going on. Sword and sorcery/fantasy/sci-fi is kind of a hard genre to judge. I’m not so sure that your writing style and story structuring couldn’t use a little bit of improvement. Your imaginary style is strong and that’s important for sci/fi, I’m just having trouble with how you write the story. I’d say you have potential, though.
MaxPower1272 reviewed Version 1 -
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Fantasy is a hard genre to break since its so saturated. I would really study great fantasy authors and explore what made their fantasy remarkable or distinquishable from others.
The descriptiong of your “creatures” needs to be more… well descriptive. “ungodly” can mean alot of things. As the reader, I am particularly interested in your “creature” if your plot is not sparking. Jazz it up, come up with something cool and hauting. Something terrifying and new.
Horror genre’s tend to lend a great hand to fantasy by providing monsters and evils we fail to imagine which is why so many horrors cross over into fantasy and scifi easily.
Also another good thing to do if your developing a fantasy universe is to really explore it and study it yourself. I hope you have maps of continents, villages, floorplans of castles, seasons, languages ect. all mapped out. I really need to feel like i’ve cross into another world, not a 1980ds jim henson version of reality. Even if you don’t use the background for the story, develop it for the sake of the characters they will become real.
Your writing is what saves the story for me, good detail and handling, almost natural, dialogue is decent, but my challenge to your sir, is to really make this different from the endless lines of slush fantasy at bookmans.
Grammatically there are some errors, missing conjunctions and sentence structure that needs to be reviewed.
Good luck!
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