grins The first line came to me, and I spent three hours trying to stay with 12-syllable lines. I agree with your comments, but it’s going to take me a hot minute to figure out how to make that last line better -and- fit. scratches chin I know I’ve got it in me, lol. I’ve got to fix line four too.
Poetry / Havisham Brunch (Analysis)
I’ve little to offer that’s not angst, warmed over
and served in a manner ill-befitting my age.
It’s ten years old, two years gone, heavy and greasy
and dumpy. Please, try just one spoonful and then
dessert will be daydreams and pipedreams, prepackaged
clichés: cloying, pink, old quite old, but not stale yet.
Dusty Little Debbie Dreams. Twinkie fantasies.
A sure sign of my recent regression, you think?
I think you are lucky I’m not serving mud pies
of scansion, for, as a rule, I don’t serve folks poems.
Only, lately I am starving to recall just
how fresh organic authentic “I” used to taste.
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ConfusedConundrum13 reviewed Version 1 -
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sirM reviewed Version 1 -
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sreed98 reviewed Version 1 -
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spincycletexas reviewed Version 1 -
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TomWatson reviewed Version 1 -
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Hehehe…other than not being worldly enough to understand the title reference (Havisham?) I still found this a truly talented piece of work.
“I think you are lucky I’m not serving mud pies
of scansion, for, as a rule, I don’t serve folks poems. ”
I hope you continue to break that rule.
Tom W
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LA_Alirie reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the style and the wording, but nobody knows what it’s about. That’s not your problem, though, it’s the reader’s fault if they don’t get it. You only job is to present them with something to be interpreted.
The rythym is a little off in the first line, the second, and the fifth. Try a little rephrasing, without losing the originality of the words.
Scarlet_Afflictions reviewed Version 1 -
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Quite an interesting piece here, I had to read it a few times before fully “seeing” the entire picture. “Dusty Little Debbie Dreams,” is probably my favorite line! Very unique!
Mariama reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s pretty good! Well done! i really enjoyed reading every bit of it! It’s really a lovely piece! Well done!
hinairusu reviewed Version 1 -
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overall its not really my kind of piece, but there are a few things i like.
first, your vocabulary is amazing, but the word “scansion” seems to break the line up a bit, it hinders the flow. but if that was your intention to have a break there then i apologise. to me this piece is a soft spoken piece, but that word seems out of place.
the concept behind it is a good one, but one must wonder, could you not reword the last line to “how freshly, organically, authentic “I” used to taste.
just my oppinion. 50 cents thrown in for you. well done
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