Poetry / LITTLE LAMB (Analysis)

The title of “Little Lamb” implies that this is not only a baby animal, but a runt compared to all of the other lambs seen at pasture.  You also capitalize “Lamb” multiple times, like it’s a name, making it seem even less significant because not only is the lamb little, but it doesn’t have an actual name.  The lamb is scared, frightened, surrounded by blood, it’s dark, there are some good starting images here, but you need to stretch them out in detail, especially if you are making the lamb a symbol for a little girl who perhaps just saw someone die.  Who is unknown and I’m not going to assume it’s the mother because she isn’t even mentioned.  

It also seems unclear to where the girl is, it seems in stanza 2 and 3 she could be in her room, but I would like some clarification.  I’m asking this because it seems unlikely the father would kill someone in her room unless the victim was hiding in there also.  In stanza 1, the last line, “Does the innocents die”, I think you meant, “Do the innocents die”.  When the “stranger” comes in, I would move lines “A stranger slips though the shadows/ a hero of the hour” to a new stanza and arrange the first two lines of stanza four with stanzas five and six.  Because if you were trying to make the “stranger” a “hero” character, like a social worker, then you have to clarify the difference between the father and the stranger.  If not, I would take out the last 2 lines of stanza 4 because how can the father be a hero to the girl and a killer?  It’s too confusing.  

Stanza 6, tells us the father killed two, we can assume the girl, you need to make that clear because you noted the “stranger” as a hero, so having an image of the girl living and then the father killing her makes it just conflicting and annoying.  The last two stanzas were jumbled, I had no idea what the message was.

You have some good beginnings of imagery here, a very powerful event is taking place, the speaker seems omniscient, the symbolism is a little obvious, but ok.  I would consider writing two ideas mixing together, like a slaughtering of lambs and the abuse and death of this little girl: basically making two unlike poems into one, thus creating a metaphor.  Your message might be better read if you considered this.  It’s actually a cool technique you can use to help with what images, similes, metaphors, symbols, ect you like for your poetry.

Please don’t take too much offence at my opinion at if this poem could be published.  I’m looking at it “as is” without any editing.  I myself have to constantly edit, and edit published works, to be better.  It is only an opinion and I’m not saying you have to agree.

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September 07, 2008

by Christof

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36	M	Hillsboro, OR	October 26

Thanks for your views, this piece does need some work.

I’ll take your thoughts into deep consideration when I do my re-write.

Thanks once again.

September 07, 2008

by raindragon16

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Thank you

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It starts out so innocent, and then spirals into a dark and morouse.  THis would make an excellent Cereal Killer epilogue.. nicely done. By the way I could never write in verse.

Scaramouche… in Twilight’s Shadow… a Dream…

I am sorry, but I found little to relate to in this overwrought gothic horror tale … though the line “Squeaking the pain of rust and abuse” had a musicality and suggestiveness which caught my attention … strong and vivid.  Maybe you should be a script writer?  You certainly have a sense for drama and visualness.

Although the subject matter is very dark, it flows naturally. Great use of words and metaphor of the little lamb being led to the slaughter. very poetic.

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May 22, 2008

by Christof

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Thank you!

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the reader feels the pain in this piece. you are able to take the reader to this dark world or tragic loss. very descriptive, well written & fluent. overall a good poem  you use imagery is good. the only bad thing about the poem is that its very simple…

Not bad, good imagery and the message is very hauting. Nothing in particular i didn’t like. Wasn’t sure if you meant “innocents” or “innocence” or I would try submitting.

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May 20, 2008

by Christof

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Thanks for your comments, I tried editing innocents but for some reason it will not let me.

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It sounds as if it were you who it was written for. I really enjoyed it alot. It was a poem of everyday life. A poem that life was there and gone again. As if someone dies and a minute later a life is brought into this earth.

I liked this poem and i understood its message. My only suggestion would be to use more descriptive words so that they’ll send out more of a picture to the reader. The poem deals with a great amount of emotions that a lot of people can relate to, it definitely has the potential to move people.

This is a great piece of work you may need to go over it in terms of word choice but your imagery was on point you scene were vivid some times nauseatingly vivid and I felt changed by what I read.

check your spelling. replace innocents with innocence