Poetry / Visions of You (Analysis)

Well first… when adding criteria… one of each of the things that you want to acomplish will be enough.. 4 grading criteras about publishing is over kill.

Now, The flow of this poem doens’t work the way it is written. I also found some grammer mistakes, along with a few spelling. I have corrected them and aragnged the lines so that it has a nice easy flow.. Please remember it is just a suggestion.

We started with a smile,
the one you give to be polite
when you meet someone new.
“So how do you do?”
Cause im feeling swell
and what the hell
I’d like to make you feel swell too.
Entrapped in you because
when it comes to battling your sex appeal,
I throw my hands up cause I know ill lose.
whats the use?

I look for ways to reduce the times
I say your name a day.
What  else can I say?
The way your name plays a trick
against my wit ill admit is more than clever.
I close my eyes and get lost to time.
Trying to put to rhyme what it is about you
that makes me waste my nights.

I dont sleep,
I have insomniac dreams
I wonder what it would be like
to be the reason why you  dream.
Sometimes I want to cry
because the thing that I feel inside
is the thing that I want to see
reflected in your emerald eyes.
I live a guise
because telling you that “L word”
wouldonly jeapordize our common ground.

Mixed signals and confusion
is where my frustration is found.
Mouth abound because
when I see your lips moving
my body worships without a sound.
Lips look like buttefly wings
moving to fast for normal sight.
That face you make
makes me want to pinch the skin
I’m in to test if youre real ,
not a made up sin.

Million things left unsaid
but til then this will do..
because tonight like every other
I’ll have those visions of you.

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August 04, 2008

by anonymous

thanks so much I see what you mean.

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Well, when I began reading your poem started off quite strong.  It had beautiful structure, a little diffrent but still structured.  but as it went on I noticed you abandoned any kind of form in a desperate attempt to release from your self these feelings that were taunting you. With a little effort you can make this a wonderful poem.  Just keep in mind that this isn’t just for him it is also a release for you. Good luck.

wow some one with reason and rhytm and rhyme both. i just love it i could feel your pain and lack of it because of love so clearly. your imagery set my mnind on fire. the line “my wil ill admits” wonderful word play. try submitting your work here for agency representation Adminj@writersliterary.com

It started with a smile, the one you give to be polite when you meet someone new. ‘So how do you do?’ You started very well but your poem got lost after that. Maybe that is the best part of a lot relationships, the start. After that reality sets in. Other lines I found interesting & would keep working with – ‘I look for ways to reduce the times I say your name a day.’ &  ’Sometimes I want to cry because the thing that I feel inside is what I want to see reflected in your emerald eyes.’ cheers, lin

I think the biggest issue I have with this piece is that (to me) the rhyme scheme seems forced. Like you felt you were writing a poem, so instead of focusing on the feelings and images, you were more worried about putting in the words that would rhyme.

I don’t mean to imply that’s the case at all, simply that the way the poem comes across, that’s how it feels.

Unrequited love is a popular theme for poetry, so make your feelings and images stand out from the crowd!

I like a lot of what you’re trying to say, but I feel that you could say it a lot better if you evaluate this in terms of form and function. I like to think that when I write a poem, the form is influenced by the subject matter. Just something to think about!

“I dont sleep, I have insomniac dreams of what it would be like to be the reason why you in turn dream.”

I really like the image you’re going for here. You dream of this person and you just want to be the person he dreams of…but the image is somewhat forced. The word dont should be don’t. I think the phrase “I don’t sleep” could be more powerful with a period instead of a comma. I like the pairing of insomniac dreams, but you use the word dream again later. You can imply dream. Or you can think of another way to say you want to be the image in his head. Challenge yourself to push away from standard words. You show the ability to do so, but I think you can make this poem better by really thinking about form and word choice.

Questions? I’ll gladly clarify.
Good luck!

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May 19, 2008

by anonymous

i totally get what you mean. deff deff

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My only remark would be? look at your spacing!  the work is good, but spoilt by its layout

I must say that you truly have talent. It was a well written poem nothing like the usual type. I can see this poem being transformed into a song. You describe a familiar feeling that everyone knows. I like how you said “pinch the skin im in to test if youre real and not a made up sin.”