I will see what I can do.. although I kind of meant for it to be short and to the point.
Thank you for the review.
Donna
Poetry / A New Start (Analysis)
The seams have unraveled
hope is all but lost.
In search of love I traveled
such a cold unbearable frost.
Many years spent aching
suffered family and friends.
Words said heartbreaking
I’ve now reached my end.
Time to move on
what sacrifices I’ve made.
So much of me gone
what a price I have paid.
Where do I start?
What if I fail- I’m afraid..
A dozen or more constant thoughts
left in this head that you played!
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lynn_savage reviewed Version 1 -
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I loved it. it speaks to the heart and isnt preachy. i know how you feel. you could almost write one now to speak of how youve changed for the better from that experience. you could even add to this, it could almost be a song. writing is a catharsis and i would love to read more from you.
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KidxGhst reviewed Version 1 -
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Oh no. it seemed like it was over before you even started. i liked the writing but it seemed like when you actually started making a decent point it was over before it started. I like it but i would like to see a more expanded version. Cant really be like. “damn lifes a bust for this reason” “im gonna deal but you suck”. well i mean you can but now thats not fun.
-Ghost
slongentl reviewed Version 1 -
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Dear Sagittarius1212,
I thoroughly enjoyed the fact that the feelings in this piece was so heartfelt and raw…I was inside of this relationship and felt the pain and punishment bared…Enough is enough and no woman deserves to be put through such degradement…Congratulations for overcoming such adversity…
Slongentl
meltonbooks reviewed Version 1 -
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written with a lot of heart involved. nicely done
juniegirl reviewed Version 1 -
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Your poem has a sing song quality almost like it could be made into a song. It also is very clear in what it says about finding love and wanting to trust what they say is right. In fact this is something I am dealing with right now, and finding it hard to put into words that are clear and precise. I would love to read something else of yours, maybe a story and see how different it might be. You have talent so keep up the writing.
brokenhand reviewed Version 1 -
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I think that your notes were a better poem than your piece.
Poetry is about specifics and details. You have a specific story, tell it!
WIth that said, I will critique the poem you have here, but please keep in mind that I think you should re-write it as yourself and not something amorphic.
The first sentence is great, but then it is ruined by that dang hope abstraction. I think you should replace hope with something concrete, like your heart for example. The third and fourth line make up a cliche, and again I think this is because you are avoiding the personal.
The same is true for the rest of your poem. Things are becoming cliche because you are overusing abstraction and not incorporating any personal detail.
The more personal poetry becomes, the easier it is to relate to. It might seem like the opposite, but that’s not true. In your notes when you said that you were afraid to leave him because you thought no one would want you – now that’s powerful… “words said heartbreaking / i’ve now reached the end” – well that’s just not.
Good luck
vampyre_girl13 reviewed Version 1 -
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wow. i feel like that only he left me. i wish it was a little bit longer though. that would be cool.
dolphine32781 reviewed Version 1 -
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This conveys a deep sorrow and longing to get out of a horrible relationship. I can relate to this completely. My last relationship was abusive and it took me awhile to get out of it. Stayed in it until I met the guy of my dreams, who is now my husband. There’s always light at the end of the tunnel, whether you realize it or not. This poem is very well written.
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