those few, golden years when you thought heidegger would save your life.
you stayed up at night, all ideas and hope – and still couldn’t write.
you took photographs of all your fucking boring friends,
who went to art-house cinemas and smoked cigars and tried to speak french.
flushed with last night success, you slept drunk in last night’s dress,
plotting dreadful poetry that doesn’t rhyme and doesn’t make sense.
the moon climbs sad steps up the sky;
you don’t know what it is you want – and if you do, you couldn’t say why.
you say you do but you probably don’t.
you say you will but you probably won’t.
‘nothing’s really true.’ can’t undo.
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I like that immensely. The thought is just right for a song. The rythm and verbal music is right; in fact good. It is vague in parts as a truly romantic song ought to be. I mean the part:
“flushed with last night success, you slept drunk in last night’s dress,
plotting dreadful poetry that doesn’t rhyme and doesn’t make sense.
the moon climbs sad steps up the sky;
you don’t know what it is you want – and if you do, you couldn’t say why.”
In this stanza, the third line can relate to the poetry of the other person who has disappointed the poet. But it can also refer to the fact that the poet is sad in his/her romantic dejection. Probably it is the latter interpretation that matters to the poet. The moon becomes a symbol of the lover/beloved who is sad this evening.
There is anguish in these lines, the kind of anguish which would lend itself well to music.
The first stanza has disgust, beautifully thrown at the other. The image of the pseudo intellectual comes to mind. One dabbling in existentialism and such like stuff,and quite forgetting the object of her/his love. The same idea is maintained even in the next stanza. It is beautiful.
I wish the poem had another two stanzas. That would give a little more time and more lines to the singer.
You have the talent. Keep writing. I want to discover more of your verse.
I thought that it was all right. I might have enjoyed it more if I could have read it in it’s entirity but as it is it doesn’t really move me or speak to me. Please trust me when I say that it is purely my opinion but I would need to read more to be really moved.
I liked this it could be an amazing song if the right music was put behind it. It is entertaining and it is really true. I would work on a chorus line and make it into a song and no doubt it will be great.
Its good-I woud like to hear the music with this
I like this so much that i want to hear it right now playing extra loud through my speakers and to jump around and dance to it. maybe because I feel like the person being spoken about is a kindred spirit of mine…but then that is the power of good writing, to make whoever is reading or in this case listening feel like they can empathise, understand what is going on.
Well done x
I enjoyed most of the lyrics. The tercet chorus at the end doesn’t have a strong punch that you find in really good songs. I really liked the comments made about the friends, particularly the entire line, “flushed with last night…doesn’t make sense.” The song doesn’t feel finished. I think there should be at least four more quatrains and another repeat of the chorus. I gave high marks for cleverness.
Writers block? Or perhaps a muse who has lost her way.Good feelings of fustration with the lack of progress in life.It is well written and the grammer is good.
The slant rhyme is fairly clever. is there an allegory behind the girl addicted to the drugs/fast life?
I really enjoyed this, it had humour to it that made you want to sing it out loud. would like it a little longer! but overall loved it.
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