Well, this isn’t the ending. It’s just the part I put up for editing.
Thank you for the review!
(Oh, and the main charrie is a boy.) :)
Horror / The swing
A man is watching in the shadows. What am I doing? I am pushing Jocelyn.The man disappears. It does not matter. I look at Jocelyn, reach out to touch her as she grins at me. She frowns. I snap my hand back.
“Ty ‘Ellys, come in, quickly! Chicken and beans, and it’s good, too,” Jean calls excitedly.
She’s right, the beans and the chicken are great. Plain chicken breast and plain refried beans, but with enough salt and pepper to make it good. I wish there was more.
“Hey, Ty ‘Ellys, can I sit?” Jean’s friend, Naveed asks, “Jean’s saving a spot.”
“Ok,” I agree.
He sits down and picks at the beans, but doesn’t touch the chicken. He even scrapes the beans off the chicken, but I don’t ask him for it.
I see Jocelyn on the swing, she doesn’t move when I approach her. Her blank eyes stare at me, but I don’t know if she does. Is she dead? But she was always dead. Or at least, since April eighth.
Mom takes Jocelyn’s hair out of her braids and sits down next to her. Her eyes roll back.
I wince. Jocelyn rocks back and forth, but cannot move the swing. Must I push the swing? It hangs form rusty poles.
I wake up, dress, and head down the hall to the breakfast room. It’s a very small room, after all, this used to be a house. Milk and grapefruit for breakfast and the older kids get toast. I am not the older kids. But I can have more milk and grapefruit.
“So, can I sit?” Jean asks cheerfully.
I sorta’ stare, but nod. She tells me her mother has gotten a job in the city and they’re moving into an apartment.
“I don’t know where it is yet, but mom says it’ll be safe there,” she bounces excitedly and continues, “I’m so exited! It’ll be great, just mom and me living in our own apartment somewhere in the city…I
dunno which city, but that’s ok.”
“Nice,” I say, “I wish I could live in an apartment.”
“Well, won’t you? When you’re fostered?”
“Sorta’,” I say.
She nods, “I understand. It’s different. I was fostered for a year before I got back to mom.”
I look around. A woman has told us that there is a movie on, if we want to watch it.
“Want to go?”
“I didn’t know we had movies here,” I say.
“Yeah, someone donated a DVD player,” she answers as we walk down the hall.
Jean Fatal has moved into an apartment with her mother. Good for her. Her mother good for her. Her older friend Naveed (whom I play with sometimes) sits down on the bench. Looking at me for a second he asks, “Is there anything wrong-really?”
“No,” I reply immediately.
He looks at the wall for a second.
“If there is anything wrong,” he turns to me, “it’ll only get worse. Especially when you’re fostered.”
I think about it. He’s right.
“I’m just hallucinating,” I tell him, “I don’t think it’s important.”
He nods, “My mom used to hallucinate.”
I turn to look at him.
“What happened to her?”
“She was depressed. And then she killed herself. My sister was taking care of us then. She got us here.”
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Daemalous reviewed Version 1 -
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This 236 word review has not been unlocked.
icedsapphire reviewed Version 1 -
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I guess I would have to read more to fully grasp everything that is going on. I agree with you, you do need some editing (punctuation, grammar and spelling in a few parts.)
I know you want an airy, disjointed feeling to the piece, but I wonder if there is a way to achieve that without the constant choppy, fragmented sentences. (If not, it’s fine…just a style I’m not a fan of reading)
Best of luck with your re-writes :)
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SoulSide71 reviewed Version 1 -
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First, your dialogue mechanics are great. This alone is a major stumbling point for many writers, so congratulate yourself on that. You have a very good hand on the mechanics of punctuation and grammar so I won’t pick that, either.
But yes, this is a little confusing. Opening fiction with dreams isn’t something you want to do unless you’re just playing and experimenting. If being published is part of your goal, avoid this.
Otherwise, story has compelling turns that I enjoyed and your attention to detail is what makes fiction work.
Keep writing!
chelly reviewed Version 1 -
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It feels as if it has ended too abruptly, like something more needs to be written. Also this story feels like it is missing something yet I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe, when she is called in for dinner your write something about how it brings her back to reality for the moment. I get that she is daydreaming that she is seeing her mother and jocylyn but only after I reread. It isn’t very clear, needs better transitioning. Still though it is a decent piece, a work in progress with potential.
Panda_Priest reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s a piece with potential. You should look at how you can refine the message and the images you are trying to convey here.
Is the girl really dead, is she even there? you hint at it when you write, “I’m just hallucinating,” I tell him, “I don’t think it’s important.” Is he imagining things? just for my own clarity :)
There is a bit of edge lacking from it, i’m sorry i can’t give you a better description of what that actually is. Perhaps it still feels too worldy, not unusual enough…that could just be my taste though.
“If there is anything wrong,” he turns to me, “it’ll only get worse. Especially when you’re fostered.”
I like this insight into life in foster care. I believe it reflects the reality and it has also got a sinister undertone to it which i think is great. That line really grabbed my attention. Maybe that should’ve been the build up to a crescendo and not the actual crescendo.You could look at expanding the story further from that point in the conversation. An unnerving revelation perhaps, or disclosure of some horrible secret evil
With all this in mind, i think this is not a disappointing effort for a younger writer. With a bit of fine-tuning and a remodelled ending, this could be a handy short!
Keep working at it!
the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 1 -
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You definitely create a weird vibe, here. Particularly with Jocelyn and the ‘dead’ angle. You force the reader to speculate about what is and isn’t real: Is Jocelyn real, or a memory that’s ceased swinging in the mind? Where is Mom, now? She takes the braids out, and then is gone.
By the end we understand the narrator is a child in Foster care, and has obviously been through a lot. You make the reader empathise with them, which is good. However, this is too confusing, at times, and can draw the reader completely out of the story. You want to make sure you don’t do that when you create a piece that is supposed to be a bit different, a bit ‘uneasy’.
‘but I don’t ask him for it.’ For the chicken? Make sure you clarify all of the parts you can, because you want a good solid base for the ‘surreal’ nature you’re trying to infuse in this piece. And make sure you connect one part to another, so it doesn’t seem like random excerpts. Ex. One minute you’re walking down a hall with her, then the next minute she’s gone, moving into an apartment with her mother. What happened in the between time? You just cut the scene off when they’re walking down the hall. Close the scene, perhaps by mentioning Jean whispers ‘We’re moving tomorrow.’ when the movie credits begin. Overall, not bad, and I’d like to see what is a part of.
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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“but I don’t know if she does.” Take this line out. You don’t need it.
Very good. It is written better than some of the older writers. Keep going.
Your characters are realistic, the foster children living in a home is a good plot. I already feel sorry for them
Thanks Sandi.
barnes reviewed Version 1 -
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I like it, very chilling. You did a good job of keeping the reader thinking about what was happening, “airless” would be the perfect way of describing it. I really like this, and would love to read more, keep up the good work!
Marian reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m sorry but it was kind of boring. Nothing much really happened. Try harder to add some more suspense and try to do something with the story instead of just leaving it like that. I don’t have much else to say but good luck.
Aura reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting story, but who is the man watching from the bushes?
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