Poetry / eventually (Analysis)

i really like this it makes me really happy cuz it reminds me of me n my girlfriend

Ok, overall this isnt a bad piece. However, there is a LOT of room for improvement (also, the topic and style it’s written on seems to be a little cliche these days).

Let me start by saying that I’m glad you’ve used the more complex rhyme structure of ABAB as opposed to the more common (and low-brow) AABB scheme. That being said, you have lowered the difficulty slightly by not exactly choosing the best rhyming pairs. For example, in one section, you’ve rhymed “eyes” with “eyes” – that’s a big no-no in poetry. The ONLY time you rhyme a word with itself is when it has multiple meanings (and you use a different meaning for each line). Using the word like this seems very low-brow and unskillful. Furthermore, many of your other rhyming pairs are either cliche (“without you around” “lucky to have found” – this is VERY cliche and, as a result, it sounds as though you’ve forced the rhyme) or they just plain seem forced (“cheering me on” “laugh a ton” – this seems forced for two reasons: because it’s slightly cliche; but mostly because you’ve used two VERY short words).

“I saw an understanding in them that was imminent.” – This line I dont like. The rhyme seems forced as you’ve used the word imminent as the rhyming pair.  Normally this wouldnt be an issue (as it’s an uncliche word of decent length). HOWEVER, the way you’ve used it just doesnt sound right. “Imminent” means something that’s bound to happen in time but that hasn’t happened yet. How can you see an understanding in her eyes that hasnt happened yet? (and, therefore, how can you know that it’s GOING to happen?)

Finally (there are a few more problems with the poem but I’ll leave it at this last one), although the repetition in the first stanza (that’s another point; perhaps you should break this up into its obvious stanzas) works, your repetition elsewhere just sounds clunky. For example “what I’d do without you” “without you around”. This repetition is unecissary (saying twice that you didnt know what you’d do if this person wasnt there) and just doesnt sound right (the repeated word occurs at completely different points in the rhythm which causes it to seem out of place).

As I said, this is a decent piece but with room for improvement. Good luck and keep writing!

I read your poem before I read your notes.  Sorry to hear it didn’t work out.  I think a true love is a best friend.  It made me feel happy just a for a second until I read your notes.  But I’m not reviewing your notes….  nice job.  

I found it entertaining. It is very clear and allows others into a very private
space in your heart. Leaves room for others to empathize or relate to.

Wow it sounds like you two must have known each other a long time before you wrote this, I am envious of how intimate you and this person were just through words. I really have found nothing to critique about it, It is a love poem and it is short and to the point I love it. Are you and that other person still friends (I know you broke up)?? Honestly I think you should send this in to one of those publishing magazines get your name out there. Anyways again awesome job sorry I found nothing to critique but thats just how good it is

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May 20, 2008

by kimbuhay

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	73.7% (19 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
22	F	United States	July 19

thank you! yes, we are still friends…and yes, we knew each other quite a while. i was in love with him for about 3 years already when i wrote this and then on the 4th year, we got together and then 3 years later we broke up…i still love him though and so the friendship is a bit difficult especially since he’s currently seeing the 2nd girl after we broke up and i still want to get back together with him but i guess i’m just gonna take all that i can get.:)

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Your poem is simplistic in the way two strangers meet, become acquainted and fall in love. Short, short and too the point. I enjoyed reading it though I felt like a voyeur looking into a relationship soon to break apart.

Keep up the good work.

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May 20, 2008

by kimbuhay

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	73.7% (19 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
22	F	United States	July 19

it’s funny you should say that…it did break apart…hehe it didn’t happen in the exact same way and the poem was written even before they got together so the girl was actually dreaming the latter part up but then they did get together. i guess she just failed to dream up the part where they were going to break up after 3 years…hehe

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Not too bad, I did like it yet it felt a little flat.

Still good none the less.

this was cute. i enjoyed reading it ;)

This made me smile, as it bespeaks of a current friendship I’m in.

Great job, there’s a lot of truth in it. You know what you’re talking about, and I love the last two lines.

best friends become lovers; clearly. you showed the path quite well from one to the next. this has a lot of potential… but,

too many “whenever’s”
shorten the lines for more impact i.e.”you’re still there, cheering me on”/ “you cheer me on”.

Whenever I feel depressed,/”when i’m down
without you/without you (redundant; 2 lines in a row)
you’ve always…,always (try synonyms)
always/always (again redundancy)

tighten this, sub some over used words and this will shine.