thanks for the review! um, the switch is actually a writing style. it was a first person point of view but that ended in the 4th stanza. the 5th stanza shows what was happening outside her head and her consciousness. apparently, the guy she wanted to be with wanted to be with her too. so the last stanza is actually involving the guy. i meant to write it in different points of view to provide the twist in the end.
Poetry / window
For years I have been staring through my window
Always going near it every second of every morrow
And from the corner of my eye I see the mystery
That consistently haunts me in my deepest fantasy.
A guy of twenty-two or so
One of which whose name I never got to know
Made me swoon from the first day I saw him here
Made me always wish that to me he would someday be near
He had these eyes of crystalline sheen
And lips that curved into that easy grin
A bod that’s tanned to utmost perfection
And teeth that shone as if to light a whole nation
I doubt it to be my fault that it is he
Who my heart longs for, who I badly want to marry.
I now it sounds real crazy but then I don’t even care
‘Coz I am happy jsut as long as I get to see him there
Meanwhile, across this street there was this handsome guy
Secretly glancing at the girl he found with lovely eyes
Thinking to himself how greatly things would come to be
“If only she would look out through her window back at me…”
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jadedpoet reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi there!
I enjoyed reading this piece. It had a nice flow to it. Maybe somehow in the first stanza or even create a new on, a lead-in, to allow the reader a better visualization of where you are actually standing, ie; home, a job site, your office, etc, simply for clearity purposes. I loved your closure, so very clever! Nicely done! me…
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GreenIguana reviewed Version 1 -
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I almost wrote a similar poem about the guy across from my window! Except he used to walk around naked!
Some of your lines are too long, ex. #8. Adding punctuation such as commas and periods might help also.
The poem starts out as your wish written in the first person, then it seems to switch to an observer’s voice. I think it should be one or the other…I suggest rewriting it in the third person.
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