Poetry / I DO

The form is correct, and it sounds right. But you use too many topics of the softest romanticism. I suppose that it will have his followers, but it does not contribute anything new, it is not the vision of a special writer: angels, twin souls, heaven on earth, the sunlight… Perhaps obtain better results looking for more original motives, because you know the technical skills.

Enjoyed this piece.  Hits the right notes in my view and from the last verse do I detect hint of a pregnancy hidden therein or do I read too deep?  Delightful – well done!

I liked this piece. It has vivid imagry. You express yourself very clearly. You describe marriage as I have never heard it before. I think that it is definately publishable I don’t know if it would end up in a book of poetry or on a greeting card though.

I enjoy this one a little more than the last. You are correct on the simplification and the ability for the message to get through….so was this your first ever revision? Excellent work.

You rhyme and then half way through you stop rhyming and with rhyming poetry if you do it you have to stick with it especially a-b-a-b verse. You try to hard to say something that is beyond speech, so I applaud your effort, but beauty is in the moment “her face shaded with lace” ..with an allusion to something that is beyond, but you can’t state it directly with butterflies or “inspirational gift” you have to find it and then reveal it, “reveal” not out and out say that it is so and so but guide your reader to that conclusion by showing us the moment, you, her, bells, blinding sunlight or rain, whatever is real.   Belles

The rhtyhm doesn’t seem quite right.   So for example some thoughts after the =, although they may or may not be helpful of course

Guide my hand for a moment =delete ‘for’?
take me somewhere new,
an inspirational gift = ‘a gift of inspiration’
to me from you. = [insert single syllable word] from me to you’

Reflect in my spirit = reflected?
an image made for two.
Not a mirror, but a friend,
A glimpse at something true.

And so on… Do you read out loud and see how it scans?  May be worth a go.

This reminded me in some ways of John Donne’s THE BECKONING, with its theme of two becoming one, so to speak.  Nice imagery with the butterfly (something beautiful that emerges out of something rather ugly.  Good use of language, poetic without being “affected” or artificially.

Wow, that was lovely.  It came across rather like a rap/lyric.  As a poem I think I would personally work on line-breaks – but then I’m no expert.
eg maybe.

Guide my hand for a moment
and take me somewhere new,
an inspirational gift
to me from you.
Reflect in my spirit
an image made for two;
not a mirror, but a friend,
a vision, a view.
A glimpse at something true,
pure and perfect, like You.

Her face shaded by lace,
gracefully walking
to take her place…

Hope that there is something in this for you.  Your rhyme is great, I think you will do well, keep writing.

I think that this a very interesting piece. There are a lot of things that could have been done differently but at the same time the laxidazi form seems to give it a sense of rawness. I enjoyed how throughout this entire poem you made everything about the couple. I really enjoyed this line, “Twin souls metamorphing, a butterfly emerges.”. I kind of underlines the unity that is brought with marriage.  

The only line that confuses me is the question at the end. If the narrator didn’ know the answer to the question or at least think they did then why are they getting married? I think that allows a little bit of an open end….a little room for debate and discussion. What’s wrong with that right…that what writing is about anyways. Bravo.

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May 14, 2008

by cybertyger

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Because the writer has never been married and this is the vision he has in his mind of that day IF that day ever comes… in fact, he is a single man with many failed relationships, but remains a hopeful romantic.

May 14, 2008

by Beer_and_Poetry

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I see then this poem is even more enjoyable to read now that I know this. Hmmm…well the with many failed relationships that last question seems rather suitable.

May 14, 2008

by cybertyger

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Thanks for your input, I am going to revise the dtructure a little bit and see what hppens. Thanks again.

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People do revise poems, but I don’t see much that needs revising here. This is beautiful and heartfelt…and I hope you’ve posted more like it.

But, I don’t believe that “metamorphing” is a real word. But Dr. Seuss got away with it so…

I think “embrace” should have a comma after it to emphasize the pause between it and the kiss.

Ln 12 concealing

Ln 11 should end in a question mark. Or, a comma to connect it with the next lines and put the question mark after “wife”.

This is a new favorite of mine.