Poetry / Cancelled (Analysis)

Good poem, faithful to meter and structure throughout each verse.  The strategy of using the first line to basically categorize the lines which follow is good.  And each verse could also stand alone which is pretty interesting I think.  Good job.

i love how you took each of those words and really put out the raw emoyion of it… i mainly write poetry, but i have to admit that rhyming is not my strongest point… but you definitly are a great ryhmer.. and it definitly isnt cheesy.

Need to Know does not need to be capatilized

the rhyme scheme hinders and there’s not enough poetic phrases sprinkled in

take for instance

This contract that was made in haste
That laid my life to barren waste

“this contract contracted of hurry
spun ink makes living empty”

you open up to language if you take away the scheme … try a rewrite with no rhymes

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June 20, 2008

by Misticism

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
35	57.8% (45 votes)	9.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
40	F	Raleigh, NC	October 01

I write with no rhymes when that is what I’m trying to do.  

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I usually hate this kind of peom, being more of a fan of free verse, but it works with this and I love it!  I like how the last line is jaring.  Very well done.  The only phsical change i would make is a consistency with your (.)’s.  All or none, i say!

I wish I could have given you a higher talent rating. This piece was so well put together. I enjoyed it from beginning to end and hope that i will be able to read more by you soon.

I like this because it is abstract and unclear to get complete meaning. Particular favourite lines are: ‘the ego’s out and must be stroked’,- this is so true! Furthermore, ‘exposed, but trapped like jewels encased’. This gives a sense of vunerability, and gives a sense of being trapped in a paradox.

I am not a big fan of rhyming poetry.  I think the rhyme itself is limiting what this piece could be… and maybe that works in the sense of a romantic affair restricting the freedom of one’s soul (but that’s a stretch).  The content and the messages I think are quite strong – the point taken that someone did quite a number on you.  

I like the flow of this piece, it is rhyhmic and clean.
I would remove “that” in the beginning of the third sentence.  In 15 words, you used “that” 3 times.
This contract that was made in haste
That laid my life to barren waste
That….

Exposed, but trapped like jewels encased.  This is very intelligent, I like it but I would change “but” to yet.

The egos out and must be stroked…I love this sentence!

Concealed but physically uncloaked…to short, doesn’t flow well with the rest of the piece.  I like how you compare things in this piece and disclose the riddle of even though you see, you don’t.  Highly intelligent in your understanding of opposites!

You’re on the Need to Know…”Need to Know”  or “need to know”

Free from years of hot sorrow…doesn’t match well.

You’d think you have the right…Believing you have the right
Minimal reworking will make this a powerful piece.  Thank you for the opportunity!

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June 18, 2008

by Misticism

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
35	57.8% (45 votes)	9.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
40	F	Raleigh, NC	October 01

Thank you for the useful critique!

October 05, 2008

by sadpoet

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281	86.8% (136 votes)	87.6%

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28	F	United States	November 18

It is appreciated.

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