than you greatly west for your review!
how have you been doing? any new writings lately? any events happen in your life that could bring great inspir?
Flash Fiction / .hamburg
I
.from here, vision set east towards
archaic brick, a brilliant wall of electric
patterns crackled in cold european night.
it was here that he received
the postcard, under electric castles.
.and now, a gloved hand signals an approaching taxi,
yellowed body reflected on a London thoroughfare, dim crowds of shadowed suits bathed in headlights.
.inside, blonde leather
.aged english, vocals lax from smoking.
he wore a hat, dark shape covering a tuff of light grey.
”where to, mate?”
”station.”
and with that single word, a city
rose before him, veiled in ghostly Atlantic.
it was through these old districts and sagging piers he traveled, swollen avenues giving way to a blistering siren.
.deep now, mainlined in, riding the rails.
and there outside small windows,
subway brickwork gives way to darkness,
rythmic pulses signaled by flares of white.
.train interior,
bright plastics,
dim peoples.
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Marvin reviewed Version 1 -
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MayaCatherine reviewed Version 1 -
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LOVE your use of line breaks, a poetic, suggestive quality to the piece overall. Well done.
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ames_plaza reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this was beautifully written. The only thing i would recommend would be to add the word “a” in front of “yellowed body reflected” i think it would make it sound a little cleaner. Overall, this is exactly what i like to read normally and i think you did a beautiful job with imagery and description. <3 ames plaza.
West reviewed Version 1 -
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To me this poem is finished, very nice job. I enjoyed the juxtoposition between modern and ancient, exe: “archaic brick, a brilliant wall of electric
patterns crackled in cold european night”. I like that the lines are short and concise, especially with the dialogue, and ending and how the ending’s length contrasts the beginning which is longer. Some images I really liked were: “electric/patterns crackled”, “shadowed suits bathed in headlights”, “swollen avenues”, “rythmic pulses”. Once again great job.
dukelemoyne reviewed Version 1 -
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A brief slice of life rendered in vivid language. Lovely.
One nit to pick. You start out in past tense, but near the end switch to present (.deep now…subway brickwork gives way to darkness).
Very nice, though. Thanks for the read.
HCWriter reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoyed this piece of flash fiction very much, although I must say that the “where to, mate?” and “station” bit seemed to stunt the flow, for me at least. It is written in such a poetry-prose style that it could work without speech marks.
Also, I think the full stops at the start of each sentence could be left out.
Other than that, I think nothing very much should be changed, I’m just offering alternatives.
bittersweetmemory reviewed Version 1 -
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absolutely brilliant!
electric castles-what a visual of juxtaposition
suggestions (if i may)
bathed in headlights./consider the singular “headlight”
tuff/tuft (sp)
plastics, peoples/plastic/people (singular?)
shannygoat reviewed Version 1 -
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I would love to know what’s going on in his head. I find it beautiful how it starts out in the neon of the city, and ends in the darkened subway with “dim peoples”. Just that quickly, all the was vibrant gives way to the darkness.
I can only imagine what was on that post card. What was it that turned his entire bright world to black? I know it was more than the movement from one setting to another. The light started to diminsh from the time the cab’s headlights shined on him.
“Electric castles” beautiful imagery.
I can’t wait for more!
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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I don’t get the yellowed body. Most London cabs are black. Is this color referring to something else? The person with the gloved hand?
The setting seems to be London, but the title is .hamburg? Perhaps the name of the street where the speaker got into the taxi?
This paints a dismal picture of London – a picture I’m well acquainted with.
station? Seems like an odd destination as there are many stations in London; that is, unless you are implying that it is an abstract destination. It’s poetic, so why not?
And it good poetry, but is it flash fiction?
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