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Poetry / Untitled (Analysis)
She hides her face
When she’s not alone
She wears a mask
But it’s not her own
It’s everyone else
She wants to be
Be just like them
Supposedly free
Free from the troubles
The troubles of life
Free from the sin
And worries and strife
But when night time falls
And she climbs into bed
Her mask falls apart
And her heart fills with dread
She screams and she cries
But no one can hear
She wants them to know
Know all of her fear
Her fear of facing
A world with no mask
Afraid they won’t like her
Afraid they won’t ask
So she waits for the day
With hope in her heart
When she’ll wear her own face
And make a new start
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hinairusu reviewed Version 1 -
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scaramouche reviewed Version 1 -
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LibraryChick reviewed Version 2 -
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I don’t think I have any constructive things to say, because to be honest, when I read this I just thought: ‘Wow’!
As soon I read it the first time, I went straight back to read it again.
The story you tell is intriguing and really drew me in.
I love the fact that it rhymes so easily, the rhythm is steady and the clarity of the sentences aren’t fogged up by the rhyming.
In awe, you make it seem so easy!
So, basically, no pointers but this is fantastic work.
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shannygoat reviewed Version 1 -
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I think we’ve all been the girl in the mask, at one point in time or another. We all strive for approval, and popularity. Isn’t that what this site is, in a way?
But the beauty comes at night, when the mask is stripped away and she’s alone with the person that she is. Unfortunately, she’ll never know if she will be accepted if she never lets anyone see her without the mask on. Humanity is suffocating at times.
I thought this was very well done.
cybermouse reviewed Version 1 -
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The sense of winding frustration is almost tangible in this short but apposite poem. I think it’s a thing that we all understand and I know that the most apparently confident amongst us shares this fear that you have described so well. Well done. I have nothing to criticise in this. Its simplicity is its virtue.
Regards,
Bill
www.billallerton.co.uk
Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the work. This is a well done poem structurally, with solid meter and sounds. However, I’m not sure that the light-hearted rhyme scheme that you might find on a birthday card works with the heavy theme of the poem.
BOSSBLACK reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed this. I loved the imagery and the flow. You are very talented. I look forward to more from you. May I suggest a title. Night Cries
derekosborne reviewed Version 1 -
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You have a good ear and the level of diction is consistent but the subject has been done many times over. That does not deminish why you wrote this but it could be shorter. V2 & 3 could probably be combined, meaning they both speak to the same thing and 4 lines are better than 8. V4 is where it gets interesting, the reader gets a solid experience of where the narrator is at. Then, again, V5 & 6 could be combined in a similar manner. More economy would make the emotional impact of the last verse more powerful.
tentoes reviewed Version 1 -
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Your poem deserves praise certainly, for it’s clarity of meaning. The reader is not left with a puzzled expression as is often the case after reading a piece with elaborate vocabulary and obscure, code-like content.
The flow and metre is also fine, though it does come perilously close to sing-song. For the most part, your word choices and rhyme scheme are quite nice too—with the possible exception of stanza three, which seems a bit forced due to the use of the word strife, which doesn’t seem in keeping with the more modern and casual over-all language used throughout, (“strife” stands uncomfortably out, possibly because it is the lone more “formal” word choice).
Again, nice clear message, good flow and rhyme. Well done you!
smiles,
toes
spiritualdeciple reviewed Version 1 -
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Great piece of prose here, it reminds me of a poem I wrote on my feature poetry site titled; The Boy With Out a Face. if you’d like to read it then log onto the following link
www.poetrypoem.com/darkwaters1
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