Poetry / Lost Memory

the flow is really nice is like if you are sliding on ice “smooth” part 2 is the best.  ”Oh, what’s it like to be a drop of water,
           In the oasis of forgotten memories? ”
just a nice ending

You said “delegate brown face”.  Do you mean Delicate? Delicate is fragile.
Mind is possessive further down, which is “mind’s”, not minds.  
Hazel nut eyes?  Hazel is a color by itself and does not need “nut”.  Hazel nut makes me think of a flavor, not a color.  My eyes are hazel, which requires one word.

Part 2.  As times goes by, like a leaf fluttering in the wind. at the end of autumn, life unstably drifts, mixing with endless sorrow.

You have some powerful images here, but they are muddled by inaccurate grammar.  Be careful of your word usage and grammar, of verb tense, comma placement, etc.  They change the meaning of what you intend in dramatic ways.  

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May 21, 2008

by biggun11w

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22	M	Bloomington, IN	November 06

ty…grammar tends to be my weakness. i didn’t realized how many grammar errors i had in the piece until i posted it…next time i’ll make sure i won’t make the same errors…

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The piece is moving, but grudgingly so. It doesn’t reach out and snare you, but instead you must keep yourself well-attuned in order to find a deeper interest. That said, you also have a few spelling and grammar issues that are easily fixed.

“delegate”: delicate

“Onto my minds”: Onto my mind’s

I’m sure you don’t need me to show them all. some of your analogies are also a bit questionable, long-worded, almost silly. Cut down the wording, and you’ll give more power. after all poetry is about purifying down to the most meaning with the fewest words possible.

Part 2 I like much more. Your wording contains more power, and bespeaks more of countenance than the first.

Keep up the good work.

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May 18, 2008

by biggun11w

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22	M	Bloomington, IN	November 06

TY…i saw the spelling and grammar errors as soon as i posted it…”some of your analogies are also a bit questionable, long-worded, almost silly.” are u referring to the dog analogy? i’ve wondered that myself, but couldn’t think of anything better at the time…well actually i still haven’t thought of a replacement…lol

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What a moving piece of poetry, it traverses the beauty of painting to the wonder of description how great this is.  The memory of her wonderous brown face as you paint it in your mind is awesome.  Thank you for thinking to let me view your imagination`s thinking of this beautious lady.

There’s a lot of potential here and I can tell you really know your subject an d you feel confident about what your trying to say, so all I think you really need to do is tighten up your lines and be more affirmed in you tone and of your work rhythm. This reminds me of the epithalamion/eulogy sonnets written in the early periods of English literature around when Beowulf was joust being rediscovered but something more post modern like Zora Neal Hurston. Here an example of what I mean when I say tighten things tightening up.
“Onto my minds almost blank canvas” could work better as “Onto my mind’s blank canvas”

Love the images here of a lost loved one.  The painting on the canvas of the memory of a lost loved one.  I was surprised in the last verse that the memory was of a child missing a lost mother; the feelings I got were of a lost and much beloved lover.

Of all the poems I have read so far on this site, this is definitely my favorite.  Hope to read more by you.  This poem really touched me.

I’m not really understanding how parts 1 and 2 relate other than 2 is later on in time.  I also don’t understand who the woman is in the first part…a mother? A girlfriend?  From the second part I understand she is a mother.  Why is she apparently melancholy?  Why is the narrator so sad?  You successfully set a sad, lonely mood.  Be careful with word use, spelling errors, and typos (‘delegate’ instead of ‘delicate’) which detract from readability.

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May 17, 2008

by biggun11w

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22	M	Bloomington, IN	November 06

what other words did i misuse or misspell beside delegate instead of delicate… do u have to kno exactly who the woman is besides a loved one whos memory is slowly being lost over time? wow, the narrator is sad because he is losing the memory of a loved one he doesn’t want to lose. the woman is sad because the narrator and the loved one share a sad history, and his lasting memory of the loved one is a sad one…hence the last line of part one…”They tell me of my own sad stories.”

if u have any more questions I’d be happy to answer them for you…

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This one brought tears to my eyes, I have shared a similar experience of loss. Unfortunate loss. My sympathy lies with you. May you find peace in your journey from the darkness of such a loss in your years to come. Such a wonderful, deep expression of emotion and heart. I commend this poem. Very well done.

Spell”delegate” line 3/should be “delicate”.

‘Counting the lines on her forehead’ is nice and clear, literally.

‘My method precice’ is good, then ‘as I’ seems to lead into a description of how you want the reader to perceive.

Suggestion
            ’My method precise as I paint
            ’This memory of her
            ’Atop an almost blank canvass’...? requires more direction/purpose.

My experience is that poems of this nature are like very personal, and as writers we may be overzealous about changing anything.  I see your style coming through, and like it very much.  It is a really good poem, or work of art!  It works very well, the message, and most importantly, the closeness.  That is what I find most endearing about this piece, is its casual delivery, playful too, of the need for love and comfort, and accepting all of it as well.

It’s a great poem. I don’t really like poetry normally but yours caught my attention as I was reading it. Good job. Again great poem. Hope to read more of them.