Criticism / Ouch!!! (Analysis)

the message is clear enough but it appears really rushed, like not much thought was put into it. it would be better if you played closer attention to details and elaborated on your points more. but if it was meant to be a rave then it was good.  but then the rhyme scheme is also quite off. you do it and then you suddenly drop it at the end which kind of killed the flow for me. you can improve a lot on it more though. it is a nice topic. good luck!

I really liked this critcism. You have brought humour into a serious issue in today’s society. Your rhyming is really great, the only thing I can critique is you have written I’m as i’m.
Excellent piece
Jodie

“A big wheel built for two wouldn’t be out of the question”
This is a very redeeming line for this piece.

I would put this under poetry.  Criticism is more for reviews of things like novels, etc.

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May 26, 2008

by Double

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	71.4% (14 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
39	M	Cincinnati, OH	September 03

I would as well. I was going to rant and that came out. I didn’t even think to go back and change the category.

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I liked this it was very quirky and straight to the point but worthy of reading and I hope it leads into a gritty story line.

Haha, yeah, I feel your pain. Actually, this whole gas crisis started while I was learning to drive, so I never even bothered to get my license. I just ride my bike or walk everywhere, so much cheaper.

Anyway, a few typos:
All lines – Capitalize your “I” in each sentence referring to yourself (I, I’ll, I’m, etc.).
Line 11 – “tis” needs to be changed to “this”.