Indeed, it is spoken. I appreciate what you said about the everybody needs a little hope stanza, and will look to work on that now. Thanks for your review and help.
Lyrics / This summer, we all have choices; what's yours? (Analysis)
When our girls at home
We sleep in these beds alone
Chin up, drink it down
Don’t become another ghost of this town
Don’t get tied to the roots
Fight back let’s refuse to die in this place
There is more to life than living theirs all over again
Fuck what we’re told
This place ain’t got shit for us anymore
Pack your bag, baby
You’re coming with me
How long do you think it will take
Before you’re ready again to leave?
As i’ve got to get out
With or without you
I just have to get out
I cannot grow old in this town
What’s keeping you here?
Oh, is it enough to just give up?
When our girls are away
We sleep in these beds in our clothes
Next to best friends and a mixture of potential and ex lovers
But for now we just have to awkwardly apologise
When we wake up cuddling someone else
It just makes it easier to sleep
Another day gauranteed to be the same
So i don’t get changed
As why should I when this place never does?
Tonight i’m leaving
Old friends and girls please drop all your pens
It might seem a little selfish
It’s just i’m past that point in my life
You were good and you served me well
But you’re too attached to what you already know
Everybody needs a little hope
But you seem to be afraid to dream
Perhaps you’re not the girl for me
But just know you were right
You were right about everything that’s wrong with me
So i put on my sneakers and start the car
And just like that i get out without a scene
I didn’t want that to be how you remembered me
Maybe i’ll be back someday and tell you how it’s been
But until that day, make sure you stay golden
No, don’t ever let your spark fade
You could be glorious but for now i have to go
This summer we all have choices.
What’s yours?
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spincycletexas reviewed Version 1 -
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Valencia_Rodallec reviewed Version 1 -
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Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 1 -
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bobbytech reviewed Version 1 -
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I am a writer of stories not poems but, I will tell you what I see in the words.
I can follow the story in the words. Perhaps once he is out their in the real world he will see how important home and friends really are. I think we all reach a point in our lives when we want change and the writing reflects that well.
The rythm and rhym is not there my friend and that is where it falls short. Work on that and you will have a nice poem, or you could add a little length and make it a short story. There is always room to take something good and make it better.
The writer writes and the reader can see.
Keep writing,
Robert J
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guild reviewed Version 1 -
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In your notes you didn’t say if this was a ‘spoken’ lyric or one that’s sang by someone. If it’s spoken I find it to fit, but there is one stanza that needs to be reworked I think.
In stanza (‘everybody needs a little hope’}, you probably should work on it to make it say more. I find that there are too many ‘mes’ in it.
Apart from that one issue, petty good and it has good clarity to it.
Best wishes to you and to your writing.
Mariama reviewed Version 1 -
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A good piece, but i noticed a possible typo in the first line, “When our girls at home” instead of, “When our girls are at home.” Correct me if I’m wrong, possibly it should go that way. Good job.
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