Poetry / Shades of time (Analysis)
The channels ran so distinct:
The channels between you and me
like water takes time to carve the mountains,
I have longed for you
What I do with this understandable melody
your song made sense to me
more than any other lover
Fueled by fire
Raucous fire
real desire makes us weak
enabling one to forget and let go
I fell, a cascade back into myself
a million ripples of new thought left me behind
held steady yet unsure
still here but now so lost upon this new sea of loving grace.
A ghost echoes through my former life
nothing can change back to
what it once was.
Like the splash in a windy river, your effect is seen
here by the river of your love even frogs have their say
If I saw your bleak eyes in the moonlight
or heard a chorus of trees,
or experienced the world through black Indian skin,
the red warmth of your light
draws me: I close my eyes
to the deepness that beckons.
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Much better than the other version. Additions made the piece clearer. there is still some awkward phrasing that tends to confuse but much better overall. It is in the last stanza that I stumble following this. Lines 4-11 in S3 need to be clearer for me. Not real sure what you are trying to say there.
Still a beautiful piece.
8
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i found the actual writing good but hard for me to understand. were you writing about a girl or love or hate? perhaps perceptions of a windy river or an old cabin meadow? where exactly is this set?
it seems you miss someone
hmm
when you asked for elaboration, what were u looking for exactly?
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